Next on Faux News: WHEN AGING BASEBALL PLAYERS ATTACK!
Former Boston Red Sox outfielder/first baseman and current TV broadcast announcer for the Chicago White Sox Ken "Hawk" Harrelson was visiting Fenway Park Thursday when he overheard a giggling clandestine spy gathering led by ARod, the NY Yankees' star 3rd baseman.
Flying into a rage, the Hawk swooped down on the evil unsuspecting Evil Empire evildoers, streaking into them like a bird of prey in an attempt to halt their nefarious attempted evilmongering.
Having finally subdued the cabal, Harrelson then alerted the authorities of the need to come interrogate the group to see if perhaps there was a sleeper cell nearby needing to be woken up.
Authorities, however, discovered that 'ARod' was instead 13-year-old Alexa Rodriguez, and the 'clandestine spy gathering' was an eighth-grade group on a class trip from Bristol, CT, touring historic Fenway Park.
"My bad," stated 'Hawk' Harrelson when the truth became known. "I apparently misheard, and totally missed the 'uh' at the end of the first name. You just can't take the chance these days, when everybody's stealing signs and bases and such. You never know who the tourists are, or if they're for you or against you."
Young Miss Rodriguez was taken by ambulance to a hospital, but wasn't seriously injured, having only suffered a nick, or scratch, that drew blood from her scalp. She was released from the hospital, and rejoined her schoolmates for an overnight stay in Boston. "C'est la Vie," said teacher/chaperone Vince Jennetta, to which several perplexed students replied, "La vee? Why say that?"