From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Oh! More Things I Know:
John McCain is who George W. Bush would look like today if he gave a damn about the magnitude of his failures.
It's of grave concern when a Democratic candidate is tagged as an elitist for having an Ivy League education, but when someone points out that many Republican candidates are themselves ivy-league graduates with large houses, summer cottages, fancy cars and closets full of designer dresses and crisp tuxedos, it barely warrants a shrug.
Democratic candidates have to reveal their spouses' tax records going back many years. Republican candidates don't.
Democrats have a conservative wing. Republicans don’t have anything even remotely resembling a liberal wing.
Seinfeld went off the air ten years ago today. This thought makes my joints ache.
Voters who say they like a candidate because they have a positive gut feeling about him or her will be told by pundits, "Yeah, but what about their policies, you silly voter???" But voters who say they like a candidate because of his or her policies will be told, "Yeah, but policies don’t matter. It's all about gut feelings, you silly voter!"
I did some research and I found out what caused the cyclone in Myanmar. Apparently 12 year-old Johnny Ruddmorton of King Middle School in Wichita allowed a butterfly to flap its wings in science class back in 1955. After that there was no stopping it.
Newsweek's excellent cover story wonders if Barack Obama is ready to fight a "GOP onslaught" once he locks up the nomination. This is a polite way of saying that the Republican party plans to lie, cheat and smear their way into office. As usual.
Barack Obama's inauguration will attract ten times more people than either of George Bush's did. I say this mainly for the benefit of the Port-A-Potty committee.
The best part of waking up is Folger's in your cup. Assuming your cup is in a multi-million-dollar mansion and you're surrounded by strippers.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Note: Yesterday I saw the Straight Talk Express on TV. It was making a bit of a screeching noise. I think it's losing its bearings.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Kentucky and Oregon primaries: 6
Days 'til the general election: 174
Amount Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have collected from small donors since January, 2007: $145 million
Amount raised by all ten of the 2004 Democratic candidates by this stage in their campaigns: $68.4 million
(Source: USA Today)
Percent change since 2005 in the price of food worldwide: +77%
(Source: Harper's Index)
Rank of Ron Paul's book The Revolution on the New York Times bestseller list: #1
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 170 (including 3 spilt lattes and a bunch of nuns denied their right to vote). Soul Protection Factor 16 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: "It wasn't me, officer. He did it! He did it!"
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CHEERS to the greatest comeback in history! The goal was insurmountable: Obama had to keep Hillary's margin of victory under a staggering 25 percent. Last night at 7:40 I tuned in to get the latest West Virginny primary results. This is verbatim what was on my screen:
CLINTON 0% OBAMA 0%
I immediately shut the TV off and wept tears of joy. I can only assume that, thanks to the confusing "Women's Voices. Women Vote" mailers that went out, 100 percent of West Virginians were duped into thinking that the primary was today. Blowout denied, Hi-luh-REE! Now on to Kentucky, where the WVWV has apparently already sealed her doom. Mrs. Bullet, meet Mrs. Foot!
P.S. To C&J's legion of Clinton supporters: the above was written by the half of me that's the devil. Sincerely, Bill's angel half, which strews rose petals at Hillary's feet. (But the devil half gives me pudding. Creeeamy chocolate pudding...)
CHEERS to the smell of fresh Dem victories in the morning. Scott Kleeb easily won his primary last night, so he's now our U.S. Senate candidate from the state of Nebraska for November (facing Republican Mike Johann). And we kicked ass in frigging Mississippi's First District as Republican Greg Davis went down in flames to Democrat Travis Childers, giving our team a 37-seat majority in the House. After careful consideration of all the pros and cons, I've concluded that winning is fun. We should do it again sometime. Like, soon.
JEERS to sleeping by the light of the silvery moon pixels. Am I addicted to blogging? Yes. Am I addicted enough to take my laptop to bed with me? Not yet. But lots of other folks are:
According to a recent Solutions Research Group study of nearly 5,000 Americans, more than 63 percent of BlackBerry users take the device into the bathroom. And 37 percent of laptop owners "frequently" use their computers in the bedroom.
Joe Guppy, a Seattle couples counselor, says today's couples often find it challenging to keep the communication devices from getting in the way of, well, communicating. "Communication problems seem to be the No. 1 thing people ask about when they call," he says. "They come to the session and pay me $100 just so they can sit together and talk. And to me, the No. 1 red flag is if each person is engaged in their own cyberworld or video world. I had one couple that would even get into arguments via text message."
The lesson here: never ever buy a used Blackberry.
CHEERS to the enemy of my enemy. Former congressman Bob Barr has entered the presidential race as a candidate for the Libertarian party. For the record, I think a lot of what he (and, for that matter, Ron Paul) says makes sense, especially on government intrusions into our privacy. On the other hand, stripping the government down to a handful of janitors and a desk clerk is just plain dumb. But as Josh Marshall says, Barr might help siphon votes from McCain in some useful places:
The anti-war, small-l libertarian stance is generally assumed to be more attractive in the West. And this raises some interesting possibilities since it's in the West that Obama's strength as a general election candidate has been most evident. As I explained earlier, if you draw a line from Michigan west to the southern tip of Nevada, it's in the states above that line where Obama is outperforming Hillary Clinton and putting some traditionally Republican states into play. And a lot of those states are also ones where libertarian politics, if not Libertarian party candidates, have traditionally faired well. So I wonder if Barr's candidacy could potentially have the net effect of adding to Obama's traction in those states.
Meanwhile, the right-wingers are not thrilled with Barr, as evidenced by this headline at conservativeintelligencer.com: Need this like a hole in the head. Hey, don't knock it 'til you try it...I hear it helps drain the stupid.
CHEERS to the Jedi Master. George Lucas turns 64 today---that's 425 in Yoda years. My gift to him: about half of my bank account in movie tickets, action figures, trading cards, DVDs and comic books. But if Indy IV doesn't totally rock, I want mah money back, pal. (Yes, even for the Han Solo Frozen in Carbonite ice cube molds)
CHEERS to the destruction of Feith. Jon Stewart had former Undersecretary of Defense and disgraced neocon Douglas Feith on The Daily Show Monday night to talk about the run-up to the Iraq war. Given how the administration screwed up everything (which we on the left predicted with almost pinpoint accuracy), his revisionist history is insulting:
Stewart: If you knew the perils [of going to war], but the conversation you had with the public painted a rosier picture, how is that not deception? ...
Feith: When people read this book, I think people will be surprised to be reminded of what was actually said. I think a lot of people's perceptions of what were said are filtered through the recent history. And the recent history has been very unhappy in a lot of ways. We've had very serious losses in Iraq---more than anybody anticipated. And people look back and they misremember a lot.
Hear that, kids? Our memories are just a bit foggy, is all. Yeah, it's all coming back to me now. Aluminum tubes! Smoking guns! Mushroom clouds! Sweets! Flowers! Parades! Greeted as liberators! George W. Bush Boulevard! (Psst, Doug...pass me a few more o' them 'shrooms. This is a wiiiiild ride, man.)
JEERS to bean counters. In an editorial yesterday, USA Today wrote that updating the G.I. Bill so that it matches what troops were offered after World War II is bad because:
The non-partisan Congressional Budget Office estimates the plan would cost $51.8 billion in the next 10 years, piling a costlier entitlement program onto the nation's already unsustainable mountain of debt.
HORRORS! That's about $5 billion per year, or one month of funding for the Iraq war, a cataclysmic debacle in which our government proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that they have no clue what "Support The Troops" really means. Passing the Webb version of the G.I. Bill would be a microscopic token of redemption. To paraphrase Hot Lips Houlihan in M*A*S*H: "Stick a crowbar in your wallet, Congress, and fund it."
CHEERS to immigration assimilation. Good news: America is the Borg and foreigners are getting hard-wired for our Yankee ways faster than ever:
[T]he speed with which new arrivals take on native-born traits has increased since the 1990s. As a result, even though the foreign population doubled during that period, the newcomers did not drive down the overall assimilation index of the foreign-born population. Instead, it held relatively steady from 1990 to 2006.
Bad news: native-borns are totally obnoxious and consumption-obsessed. Please...change back so we can learn from you.
JEERS to snail mail. Michael's rebate check notice came yesterday from the IRS. It informed him that his upcoming $600 tax-free government smooch (courtesy of money loaned by China---"xie xie!") would be exciting(!) and stimulating(!!) and would save the economy(!!!) It said the loot would get there soon. And this friendly notice arrived a week after his money had already been direct-deposited by the government. Who says the postal service is a dinosaur?
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One Year Ago in C&J: May 14, 2007...
JEERS to slippery fingers. Hey kids, it's time to go on a wacky scavenger hunt! Your first item to find is 438,000,000 missing barrels of Iraqi oil. No one knows where the hell they are but, really, how hard could it be to find them? Just bring 'em back to home base---the oak tree next to the Hendersons' house. Then you can go after item number two: one of Mrs. Henderson's girdles. Good luck!
CHEERS to Kos. For making Time magazine's Blogwatch column again, this time for coverage of the student-led Frist Center filibuster on the Princeton campus. What a media hog. Oink, oink. :) (The happy face exonerates me...right?)
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And just one more...
JEERS to hanging up the putters (via Boing Boing). It's the end of an era in Tucson---they're tearing down the famed Magic Carpet mini golf course, which was built over 50 years ago:
"It's part of Tucson," [resident Gilbert] Molina said. "It's always been there. It's like looking up at the mountains and then one day they're not there. Taking down Magic Carpet Golf is taking down a landmark and a landscape."
The statues were built by Lee Koplin, who not only outfitted Magic Carpet and other miniature courses around the country, but also built a bull and matador that stand in front of the Casa Molina at 6225 E. Speedway Blvd. "That's how much influence Magic Carpet had," Molina said. "There's nowhere else in the world like it."
You can see more photos here. And you'll never guess what's replacing it. Go ahead, take a wild guess. Yep, you're right...a parking lot. You win a free game.
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And this just in: A vagina is not a clown car. Film at 11. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"For me, Cheers and Jeers is an incarnation of the most childish superstitions."
---Albert Eiinstein
January, 1954
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