Warning: Strong snark ahead. Includes mocking of gay stereotypes (or at least playing on the Religious Right's fear) and unsavory happenings. Nothing here represents my actual views on homosexuals and them being able to marry. In fact, I'm gay myself, and think the CA rule is awesome.
My attempt is to, well, show how absurd fear of homosexual marriage is. The demons that plague the minds of those on the Religious Right are many. Sometimes I wonder if this is not what they imagine.
Sacremento, CA
Overwhelming Crowds at Town Halls
Scores of same sex couples are flooding town halls across California for the second day of legal same sex marriage. The demand has grown so fast that many town halls have hired extra staff and worked longer hours.
"We just can't keep up," says Mary Beth Anderson with a red flash in her eyes, "We have to turn away dozens of couples and we tell them to come back tomorrow."
The lines stretched several city blocks in many areas and in San Francisco the line stretched for one mile. Officials are urging couples to try and relocate to other town halls for marriage to spread out the load.
The gay men simply laughed at the double entendre.
Spontaneous Orgies Plague Steps of Town Halls
Another aspect of the same sex marriage that has troubled town halls are the spontaneous orgies that occur on the steps of town hall, prompting officials to put up high barriers to block the view from the street.
"Oh, we got married and we just can't wait!" squeals one excited man as his new husband wipes off his chin, "The town hall steps are a step up from the alleyways!"
Scores of lesbians and gay men have reportedly stripped themselves of clothing and pranced around before starting their orgies. There has been little thought to the use of protection.
"We are already sinning, don't see why we have to try and use the straight shackles of 'Safe Sex,'" says one lesbian who was covered from head to toe in an unspecified liquid.
A New Era?
Officials say they won't arrest the violators in these special circumstances. "Moral values have been lost in this decadent society. Evil has triumphed," said Police Chief Johnson in a written statement. He continues, "A new era has begun."
He declined an offer to clarify his remarks.
Animal Sacrifices
Animal Right's activists are also alarmed at the growing rate of sacrificing small infantile animals as part of the new same sex marriage rituals. "While we think that... think it is okay to get married for.. for them gay people, we feel it is, like, totally wrong to kill those animals as part of them marriages," says PETA spokewoman, Pamela Anderson.
Animal Control officials welcome the changes.
"It cleans up the streets of strays. I'm not complaining," says officer Keith Daniels.
Satan Makes Comments
Satan himself also had comments for affairs going on in California. He says in a recorded message, "Today I, Satan, declare victory and dominion over this pestilent land they call California. We are clearly bringing about much needed change to the boring old holy marriage."
He also made remarks on the steps of San Francisco's town hall. He declared, "We are witnessing the dawn of the downfall of America. God may send his wrath, but we must stand strong!"
The crowd cheered and sacrificed kittens after his declaration of victory.
God could not be reached for comment.