Holy crap, John McCain! You're only four points behind in Massachusetts in the latest SUSA poll! Where do you go from here?
Hey, John! That SUSA poll--it's COMPLETELY TRUE. You should absolutely ignore the overwhelming Democratic voter identification advantage, the large number of colleges and universities, the trend, like everywhere else, against the Republican Party, the fact that every major elected official there is a Democrat, and the fact that they went blue in every election since 1984.
Seriously, Johnny Mac, you can totally win Massachusetts. You just have to follow a few easy steps.
Step 1: Stick to the Hundred Years of Iraq strategy.
No joke, man, running on your determination to stay in Iraq until the Second Coming is gonna work like gangbusters in Massachusetts. It'll play really really well in the Cambridge college student demographic!
Step 2: Pour lots and lots of money there!
Forget Pennsylvania, Michigan, Florida, and Ohio. What you've gotta do is use that overwhelming fundraising advantage and intra-party enthusiasm you've developed to flood the airwaves and newspapers. Make Massachusetts TV all McCain, all the time! Use all that party unity that you've managed to establish. Massachusetts is McCain Country!
Step 3: Mitt it!
If there's one thing we've learned this campaign season, it's this: AMERICA LOVES MITT ROMNEY. We know that putting him on your ticket is already on your mind, thanks to party unity and securing the base and all that crap, but it's obvious that the road to the presidency runs through the Romney mansions. Making him your running mate is obviously your only chance: people just love his sincerity and devotion to animal rights, not to mention those sexy, sexy shoulders. What's more, there's evidence that his natural empathy can help reach the common man--especially black voters, Mitt Romney's natural constituency! Mitt's overwhelming popularity in his sort-of home state, after four years complete success, puts Massachusetts away easily. How can you lose?
Don't let the naysayers dupe you, my friend. Massachusetts is totally in the bag. Keep the faith!