Last night, it was reported that Sen. Barack Obama met with Sen. Hillary Clinton at Sen. Dianne Feinstein's DC home.
The cable networks spent a great deal of time guessing about what they discussed. However, I've been able to obtain a transcript of their discussion, which I post here in full.
*doorbell rings*
Hillary Clinton: Who is it?
Barack Obama: It's Barack, Hillary.
*door opens; Clinton stands there in her 3 a.m. outfit: reading glasses, pantsuit, jewelry. The theme from "The Godfather" plays softly in the background*
HC: Oh, hey, Barry. Thanks for stopping by. DiFi's got some nice digs, huh? I'm baking cookies. Would you care for some?
BO: No thanks. I can't risk pois...er, gaining too much weight. Do you have any tea?
HC: No, just some Canadian whiskey.
BO: Well, that's okay. *brandishes bottle* I brought some water.
HC: OK, well, since I asked for this meeting...what do we do about getting together for November?
BO: It would, uh, help if you endorsed me, sweetie.
HC: I plan to do that Saturday...as far as I know. And if you call me "sweetie" again, I'm going to find a new use for that nutcracker.
BO: Sorry about that; it's a bad habit. What should I call you?
HC: The nominee?
BO: That's taken.
HC: Oh. So, let's talk about terms of surrender. First point: I've got $30 million in debt. Brother, can you spare a dime?
BO: I can't just give you the money. But, if you can put me in touch with Bill's contact with Yucaipa, I can funnel it there. Hey, where is the big lug, anyway?
HC: He's still campaigning in Montana, trying to drive up the rural vote.
BO: I see. So, what next?
HC: I'd like to be Vice President.
BO: You don't recall saying McCain's more qualified than me?
HC: Surely you know how well I can spin. By the time I'm done turning those statements around, you'll be up for a Nobel Peace Prize.
BO: *ponders for a moment* That's not a bad idea. But, you and Bill would have to submit to the vetting process...
HC: Never mind. How about the convention keynote speech?
BO: I could go for that. But do you think you could avoid hitting me with friendly fire about your "popular vote lead"?
HC: Sure, now that we're working together, I can call off the snipers. Let's move on to campaign staff. They need jobs.
BO: Gotta cut expenses. You pay your top people WAY more than we pay ours. But I'm sure they can get in my press shop. Penn? I'm getting a PFA. He isn't allowed anywhere near my headquarters.
HC: Now, about VP...
BO: Not gonna do it. Wouldn't be prudent. Not at this...JUNC-ture.
HC: OK. Now, what do I do for the general campaign?
BO: You need to make a change we can believe in, so people believe you're really on board. *pulls out Obama button* Here, wear this.
HC: I can't put holes through these lapels! They're Armani, you know. But how about I agree to wear it to all 57 states?
BO: No problem. *sudden realization* I don't think there are 57 states...
HC: *speaks quickly* So how do we attack McCain?
BO: I can't be seen beating up that geriatric. If you want to fight him directly, that's fine. But at least let him bring Lieberman along.
HC: Sure. He can bring anyone he wants, but I'm going to smack him up and down whatever stage is chosen.
BO: Good deal. Think you're ready to campaign more?
HC: Since Day 1.
BO: OK. Anything else you'd like? How about you lead the health care effort?
HC: I'm not buying your plan, Stan. My plan allows all Americans access to health care (and/or punitive fines). Can't beat THAT as a fundraiser.
BO: I'll have to get back to you about adopting your plan. Now, anything else?
HC: Maybe a Cabinet post?
BO: Sounds reasonable. *checks BlackBerry* I gotta run. Some nonsense about a "Whitey" tape. Thanks for inviting me over, Hillary.
HC: *walks to door with Obama* Thanks for stopping by. I'm looking forward to November. *starts to close door, then opens it and yells out* What about choosing me as VP?
BO: *yells out of Suburban window* I will not do it in a school, I will not do it for a press pool...I will not do it in Death Valley, I will not do it at a rally...