Washington Floats Bailout Plan for JohnnieMac
By Liz Sidoti, Associated Press Stenographer
Speaking before reporters at the White House today, President George Bush called on Congress to join him in developing a rescue plan for struggling presidential candidate JohnnieMac.
“JohnnieMac is a American institution, which for the past thirty years has made it possible for thousands of members of the fourth estate to feed their families and purchase homes. Today I am asking Congress to work with Treasury Secretary Paulson to formulate a plan which will allow JohnnieMac to stay afloat and continue his run for the nation’s highest office.”
JohnnieMac is a hybrid private-public entity created by the U.S. Navy shortly before World War II, and now owned largely by lobbyists and large corporations. It was orginally set up to make it easier for members of the American press to improve their living standards, and over the years has helped thousands of them find access to housing and food. A merger with drug-taker Hensley & Co. in 1980 increased JohnnieMac’s liquidity and influence even further.
It is also one of the largest homeowners in the country, with major holdings in at least nine different states. A recent scandal revolved around JohnnieMac’s inability to account for all the homes in its possession.
JohnnieMac has suffered from other missteps as well, including its announcement this week that Americans should “quit their bellyaching” about the economy, a half-hearted attempt to restructure its chain of command, and admissions that it had still not mastered the Google. As a result of its poor performance, confidence in the institution has fallen precipitously in the past few months. JohnnieMac stock was trading at around 5.0 on Intrade at the close of the day on Friday.
Prominent Republicans quickly seconded the President’s call for a bailout. “JohnnieMac is as much a part of America as Tang, or computer chess,” said former governor Mitt Romney. “I don’t think it’s enough just to save it: we need to double Johnnie Mac.”
And in a striking show of bipartisanship, Senator Joe Liebermann, head of the Connecticut for Liebermann Party, also spoke in favor of the proposal. “I think I speak for myself and for others in my party when I say that our country owes an enormous debt to JohnnieMac. JohnnieMac is the American Joe Liebermann has been waiting for.”
Yet there were some dissenters, including Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel, who called the proposal “pure, unadulterated horseshit,” and presumptive Democratic nominee Sen. Barack Obama, who said, “This is just another a typical Washington quick fix. As much as I honor JohnnieMac’s many, many years of service to America, it will take much more to get that venerable institution back on its arthritic feet.”
It was not clear when Congress and the White House would begin talks on the plan.
In his remarks, President Bush also hinted at the consequences of failure: “If we can’t get together a plan to save JohnnieMac, we may have to do what the state of Florida did back in November of 2000,” he said, adding, “We are fully prepared to go that far, if it becomes necessary, and if we have to.”
by: me