February 15, 1776: Philadelphia (AP)
Yesterday Thomas Paine's pamphlet Common Sense was distributed and received with much fanfare and enthusiasm by Philadelphia's citizens and colonial leaders alike. The pamphlet, which urges America's colonists to break from British rule, has been hailed as "revolutionary" and "groundbreaking" by many of it's initial readers.
Still, editors of colonial newspapers, many of whom were approached to publish Paine's treatise, remain unimpressed with Paine's presentation. One editor, representing the general consensus, put it thusly: "It is motivational...but utterly vague and nonspecific. This is one man shouting his pipedream into the wilderness."
Other editors, who wished to remain anonymous, were of a like mind. "I'm sure everybody would love this freedom and liberty of which Paine speaks. No quarrel there, but without a specific, point-by-point plan for implementation his words are but wasted parchment."
Another editor was more specific in citing the lack of specifics in Paine's well-intended but ultimately doomed polemic. "He mentions our ability to raise an army to contend with the British. Okaaaayyyyy. But who, praytell, shall build these boats? Who will be in charge of this revolutionary endeavor? It's not as though we can just, you know, write a letter to ol' King George telling him to bugger himself. And even if we could, Paine offers no polling data to show that colonists would be willing to fight for freedom, liberty, yada yada. Ultimately, until he can present detailed flowcharts showing who is in charge of what, where our armies will be positioned, a detailed accounting of our weapons stockpile, our horses and ships, Paine's cry for change is essentially stuck in the mud, far as I'm concerned."
"Paine approached us about his ideas for change," said one editor, "but I felt our readership wasn't ready for his radical ideas. I think most colonists are essentially comfortable with bloated taxes and random raids, so long as the raiders are polite and don't steal excessively and are not overly abusive in their pillaging. So we couldn't greenlight this one. Maybe next year or some time in the future when we have a more diabolical and sadistic king, you know, the kind of king that would spy on citizens and such."
Contacted at his modest dwelling, Paine's response was confident and matter-of-fact. "I can't offer narrow specifics until I sell my idea first," he said. "Change is difficult, sometimes painful, and ultimately the people themselves must make this work. But offering the public the specifics of execution without offering sufficient motivation is putting the cart before the horse, know what I mean? And as far as that goes, if I had a nickel for every tin-eared editor with his head up his arse, I could raise an army of such an enormous scale that I could have the British mopped up in time for deer season."
One editor wanted to print Paine's work, but was ultimately persuaded not to. "Common Sense is a masterwork of rhetoric, and I think it could stand up there with the pillars of the Enlightenment. This really felt like the kind of message every colonist should hear. But our press is owned by a British shipping firm, and they told me if I took it to press they'd strangle my wife. So I shitcanned it. Sigh."