Okay, you got me. It took you four freakin' months, for cripes' sakes, but you got me. You finally figured out that it was me, from a farm in Nuevo Leon, and my cousin, Jalapeno, from a farm in Tamaulipas, that were the source of an outbreak of Salmonella across the US that led to a panic with all kinds of unintended consequences, including an unwarranted fear of my good friend Tomato.
Let me say upfront that I deeply regret any pain, suffering or angst that may have resulted from this unfortunate incident.
Permit me also to make clear that at no time did I intentionally inflict unpleasantness of any kind upon a living soul. In fact, I would assert that it was not truly my fault at all, but that of a common culprit in our increasingly-crowded planet. The true cause of this terrible sickness and discomfort is, in fact, what we here in Mexico call "Caca Water."
I am sorry, Ladies & Gentlemen, but I can only drink what they give me. Sitting, parched under this intense Mexican Sun, I had no choice. In a world where both human and animal waste are permitted to proliferate unchecked throughout the environment, spreading their toxic microbes from place to place, it is indeed a miracle that larger and worse catastrophes have not occurred previously.
In fact, you might even say that I have performed a public service of the kind often attributed to the canary in the coal mine. I mean, have you even seriously considered how much Caca is put out by those humongous Pig and Chicken Farms, home to thousands and millions of animals, each defecating on a regular basis before they meet their inevitable end on the way to your dinner table???!!!
Yes, I have served to expose and illuminate the Worldwide Scourge of Caca Water, which has the potential to spawn not only Salmonella, but also E-Coli and many other diseases.
It is time to act. No, not against me and Cuz Jalapeno--we, left to our own devices, are spicy, flavorful, and nutritious, adding much-needed Zest to an otherwise bland American palate. No, we had no mal intent--zero.
And, please, don't even get me started on how stupid Bush and his FDA are to take so long to find me---I mean, I'm right here!!! I wasn't even hiding!!! Talk about deregulation gone amok--these dweebs couldn't find their own Nalgas with both hands, a mirror, and a magnifying glass!!!
So, please, don't pick on a peck of peppers seeking only to fulfill their God-given Destiny in this otherwise bland and unappealing world. Lay responsibility, instead where it belongs--at the doorstep of the Keystone Kops that infest your FDA and those who would dare turn a blind eye to the Overflowing Toilet of a World that refuses to heed the warnings of the Worldwide Scourge of Caca Water.
The damage from the current situation is done. Thank God the source (Caca Water) has now been identified and limited. Now please--join with me in a Worldwide Campaign to battle the horrible effects of Caca Water wherever it might show its stinky head.
Thank-you and Good Day.