STAGE INSTRUCTIONS: Do not say the parts in parenthesis. Try not to look confused. Do not attempt to smile -- children are watching and they frighten easily.
==================================================
TelePrompTer: Three Screens to give appearance
that McCain is not actually reading from
TelePrompTer. VERY large type. Please remember,
the Senator is 122 years old and vision is bad
because he was a POW.
Transcript follows this line.
==================================================
(Allow several seconds for light-to-moderate clapping, perhaps intermixed with whistles, catcalls, or noisemakers of some kind)
My friends... (pretend you are trying to be heard over all the clapping) ... my friends... my friends, I want to thank you for joining me to day at this, the 141st annual Republican Convention, Hot Dog Cookout, and Cornhole Tournament, located here in the settlement of Minneapolis-St. Paul, on the very outer reaches of the Northwest Territory. I hope you do not mind that we have moved our venue to this Moose Lodge. Despite press claims that we had a low turnout, the move was strictly for acoustic purposes.
The Democrat-Whig-Farmer-Labor Party recently held their convention, in which they let the womenfolk out of their kitchens and brooding pits and allowed them to speak in support of a Negro -- a Negro that they then nominated as their candidate for president. (Pause to allow time for crowd to boo broads and darkies)
My friends, I ask you -- is this what the framers of the Constitution had in mind when they wrote Article 1 of the Constitution -- which says that Barack Hussein Obama is exactly three-fifths of a person? My friends, I'm here to tell you that I am 40% more person than the Democratic candidate for president.
But that is not all that the Democrat-Federalist-National Union-Farmer party did at their convention, my friends. They also tried to say mean things about my position on the economy, education, the environment, women's rights, gay rights, general civil rights, the Constitution, national defense, diplomacy/foreign relations, technological development, infrastructure, health care, social security, job creation and energy.
Among others. (Look deeply saddened and hurt)
I do have a response for them tonight: For five and a half years, I was not able to have bad policy positions. I was in a prison cell in Hanoi. (Pause for dramatic effect)
That's right, for five and a half years, I was a prisoner of war. This is quite possibly the first you've heard of it. The truth is, I don't like to talk about this for cheap political gain. But the American people have a right to know: my five and a half years as a POW make it difficult for me to understand public policy. And this, my friends, is why you must elect me president of the United States. (Pause to allow for clapping from several members of audience)
The truth is, my friends, we face many dangers from outside forces. The terrorist attacks of September 11 were terrible terror attacks filled with terror of 9/11 terrorist terror. And your life is in danger, like mine was when I was a POW. There are terrorists around every corner. They are plotting to blow up the Walmart in your town. They want to poison your Subway sandwich. They have planted a nuclear bomb in the crawlspace under one of your many houses. (Pause for fainting and paralyzing fear)
Only I can save you from these threats. You will not get any help from Barack Muhammed Hussein Ali Barack Ackbar Hussein Obama bin Hussein. Only from me. I can keep them out of the Walmart. I am the greeter there. I can keep them from poisoning your sandwich by creating new Terrorism Alertness training for all new Sandwich Artists™. I can defuse the nuclear bomb in the crawlspace under one of your many homes.
What gives me these special talents, you ask? Let me tell you this story. It's the first time I've told anyone this. I was flying a plane one day, dropping bombs on gooks. Suddenly, I crashed. I was captured and kept as a prisoner of war. Yes, my friends. It's true. I was a prisoner of war. This experience has made me more qualified in foreign policy than any other person on the face of this Earth. Kneel before me. (Pause for kneeling)
This foreign policy experience tells me that we face threats besides terrorism. The USSR is ramping up and preparing to invade Czechoslovakia. The Ottoman Empire is preparing to cross over the border from Pakistan into Iraq. For this reason, we must remain in Iraq for 100 more years. Actually, you know what? Fuck it, I was a POW. Make it a thousand. (Pause for tremendous applause).
Now please, join me, my cunt trollop wife Cindy, (pause for someone in crowd to shout "Show us your boobs!"), as well as George W. Bush and Dick Cheney... and let's elect me Prisoner of War of the -- I mean, President of the United States! And in conclusion, I was a POW.