I am not a doctor and I do not play one on TV. I am, however, one of those people who enjoy the harmless diversion of taking online health surveys and then receiving e-mailed reports about my ever advancing decrepitude.
To that end, I decided it would be fun and interesting to take something called the Real Age Test (www.realage.com) with the mostly hypothetical stats of someone else. Let’s see...who to choose....who to choose??? I know! How about an aging candidate for President of the United States?
I’m sure many of you are familiar with the work of Drs. Oz and Roizen, authors of the wildly popular books You – The Owners Manual, You – On A Diet, You – Staying Young. Dr. Roizen also wrote the book Real Age – Are You As Young As You Can Be? These guys have also had a hand at putting together a useful online tool called the Real Age Test (www.realage.com) that leads the curious hypochondriacal individual through a series of questions regarding medical stats, activity levels, lifestyle, social support, etc. It only takes about 10-15 minutes to complete the test. The idea is that your "real" age can vary widely from your chronological age based on a variety of controllable and uncontrollable factors.
So, after I decided to fast forward myself to the ripe old age of 72, change my sex, and look the grim reaper right in the vacant eyeball, I began clicking some of those check boxes on that Intranet thing. My source documents were articles containing anecdotal nuggets of health information on His Grayness, but I primarily used the official Statement of Health Status Prepared by Mayo Clinic At The Request of Senator John McCain which was released in May of this year. This report which was released to the public for public consumption (HOLY HIPAAPHOBIA BATMAN) contains a wealth of information. More detailed information was made available to a group of reporters around the same time as the Mayo Clinic document.
My Test Taking Methodology: If I could get a real stat from the health report on the Senator, I used the data. If I did not have the information, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt when I was answering questions on the test. For instance – I have no idea how many times a week McCain might eat fish, but I threw him a few wild Alaskan salmon when I answered this part of the test. I also made some assumptions like answering "yes" to questions on whether he got sore after exercising. More on my brilliant, but completely unscientific thought process as we go along.
The first part of the test asks you to choose Health Interests that apply to you and your family. I checked off allergies (McCain takes occasional Zyrtec), arthritis (because of injuries), cancer (4 skin procedures to remove skin cancer), insomnia (McCain takes an occasional Ambien), prostate (had some enlarged tissue removed). I then checked off the following general topics that I thought I might be interested in if I was McCain:
Healthcare System – although everyone can get to an emergency room so they really do have healthcare
Longevity and Retirement – although Mom is 96 and the wife is pretty loaded (no double entendres please)
Reducing Personal Stress –don’t want to get snappy with pesky reporters
Brain function – hey, none of us is gettin’ any younger and some of these countries have dang similar names
Mental Disorders – never know when the past might rear its ugly head
Skin Care – some people have a bunch of houses in sunny climates - location, location, location
Moving on to the next part of the test, I answered that I felt my health was "good" compared to others my age. I noted that I received a high school diploma. There weren’t any choices that said anything about ranking 894 out of 899 in the Naval Academy. I listed myself as a white, working full time getting about 6 hours of sleep a night. I entered the stats for height, weight, cholesterol and blood pressure from the report from the Mayo Clinic. Because I would think that I’d be very careful about my health because of all the skin cancer, I said I would see my doc 6 or more times a year and that I might see a doc within the next 30 days to track my cholesterol which has been running high, my blood pressure which is creeping up there, my allergies, and I checked off "other" because I think I should make sure the prostate is behaving itself. I also think I might want to find out what all the fuss is about on all these erectile dysfunction commercials I keep seeing. Maybe I’ve noticed that the missus really takes notice when they come on.
Now, for the really meaty part of the test. I answered questions about parents, asthma, heart disease, stroke, diabetes, liver, etc. During this part of the test, I was feeling pretty good because I was answering "no" to a lot of scary diseases. I answered yes to high cholesterol, and checked off circulatory conditions because McCain has reported postural dizziness when he gets up from being seated for a while. No big deal – I don’t know many people who don’t need a minute when they stand up. I said yes to kidney problems because he’s had stones and cysts. Still, I’m looking pretty good until I have to check off cancer because of all the skin issues. According the to Mayo Clinic report, McCain has had four malignant melanoma areas removed. One was invasive, meaning it had spread to the area around the original start of the disease. In this section, I also checked off hair loss for obvious reasons, mild allergies and prostate problems. At this point, my computer screen contains the encouraging statement – "Excellent! You’re on your way to discovering how to make the most of your genes." Hot damn.
Next is the part of the test I like to call Big Pharma Section. It asks questions about meds taken on a regular basis. According to the Mayo report, it looks like McCain takes some of the more popular pills – Zyrtec for allergies, Simvastatin for cholesterol, Hydochlorothiazide for kidney stone prevention, Amiloride to maintain potassium levels, daily aspirin, Ambien CR as needed for sleep and a multi vitamin. I looked up the stats of Centrum Silver and filled them into this section. Although I couldn’t find any mention of it, I checked off yes to receiving a pneumonia vaccination. Most older people do.
Questions about transportation are next. I recently heard that 115 people die each day from car accidents in the US, so this set of questions certainly makes sense in determining a person’s life expectancy. I figure most of McCain’s actual car travel is from an airplane tarmac to a nearby hotel or venue, so I enter a very conservative 4160 for miles traveling in a car in the next twelve months. I know he rides the campaign bus, but I figure he’s pretty protected by all the good karma from the Straight Talk the bus spreads across the land. Of course, as Cindy McCain has so humbly noted, the only way to get around is by "small private plane." Why travel the nation’s crumbling highways and bridges if you can soar above them? Plus plane travel is so much safer than driving.
Back to the test. I’m not really sure about McCain’s eyesight. I know he used to wear glasses, so maybe he had Lasik. I think his teeth look ghastly, but I check of 1-3 times a week for flossing. If I had a wife with a beer empire, I’d pay someone to do it for me every day, but I digress. The smoking questions come next and although McCain stopped smoking in 1980 or thereabouts, I still have to acknowledge the two pack a day habit he reportedly had for about 25 years. Reports show a recent lung CT scan as normal and (insert public service announcement here) the website stopsmokingsupport.com says that within twelve hours of quitting the body begins to repair itself, so I’m thinking he’s probably okay on that one. I checked off yes for a sunburn before age 30 because I thought it was a given.
On the Who I Can Turn To area of the test, I say that I’m happily married. Changing the answer to "unhappily married" made the results only slightly less less favorable than the (spoiler alert) already alarming results returned in the report. I really didn’t know how to answer this one. On one hand, McCain did leave his first wife for this woman. On the other hand, he was overheard calling her a c*nt, so it was quite the toss-up; as was answering the question about sexual activity, which I checked as "inactive" due to the sheer gross out factor of thinking about the alternative. I answered the question regarding pets. McCain reportedly has a lot of pets he can turn to which makes sense because you’d want to have a set of critters to go with each house, and everyone knows having pets improves your health because of their unconditional love despite any narrow minded evil political views you may espouse.
The test ends with questions about:
Attending Church – McCain said he doesn’t, but he probably should what with all this witchcraft that is apparently afoot.
Stressful Events In Last 12 Months - I checked off "Changed Jobs." It seemed reasonable due to the switch from his job as Dodgy Maverick Senator to Dodgy Maverick Presidential Candidate Running With Nice Looking Airhead VP Nominee. I also checked the box for not feeling like I was in control of the family budget.
Please note there was no checkbox for Gathering Campbell Brown Threat.
I ended with checking the highest box on the income section with an answer of $350,000 per year or more.
Anyway, after all this, and I do thank you so much for making it to the end – McCain’s REAL AGE was calculated as 84.2 years old! Not good. Not good at all. When I switched him to unhappily married, his REAL AGE was calculated at 84.5 years old! I know there are many nuances to how the test could have been completed and exponentially different ways the results could have come out, but I walked away with what I have been thinking all along. This man is not a "good" 72 years old. One of the many things that makes the prospect of a McCain win absolutely terrifying.
Betty Davis is credited with saying "old age ain’t no place for sissies." It ain’t no place for a President of the United States either.