My one and only best friend has passed away. :(
This is a continuation of a diary from yesterday.
http://www.dailykos.com/...
Here's the update...
My sister was due to start school at Savannah Technical College this week. She went by earlier today to pick up her books but when she got there, she broke down. The vice president of the school took her into her office, herself crying as well. She told my sister don't worry, they'll work something out.
I was with my mother all day (minus a trip home to change and Burger King for breakfast). My friend Steve has been my chauffeur, and what a wonderful friend he is. He was fried, tired beyond belief. So I told him to go him I'd be fine. I took a cat nap or two with the lights out and the TV on and then turned on WSAV for the 6PM news and then NBC Nightly News.
I told my mother that she couldn't watch Cops because truTV on Comcast is on digital (We have DIRECTV at home; The hospital has normal cable). Then my sister called, stating she was at Atlanta Bread Company. She got us two loaded baked potato soup-filled bread bowls.
She arrived about 8PM and we ate and talked, reminiscing about our youth and telling humorous stories. One of my cousins, Rana, called. She had barely begun speaking when my sister told me her breathing was lessening. I stated that happened a bit earlier but upon closer observation, it was different. I told Rana I had to go.
My mother was breathing every seven or eight seconds. My sister and I began bawling, telling her it was okay, we'd be fine, she could go. She continued breathing that way for about seventeen more seconds. Then she let out one last breath and she was gone.
My father arrived shortly thereafter, followed by my sister's very best girlfriend Toni. My dad offered to let me stay with him tonight. I told him I appreciate it but I'm fine, I won't be jumping out of any windows or anything. He's remarried and I've never met his new wife therefore I'm not quite ready for that dynamic yet.
So we said our goodbyes and I called work. The lead person told me they'd fill my shifts and to call when I was ready to come back. I then called Junior, one of her two brothers who only found out about her being back in the hospital today. Her other brother Charlie called me when I got home. I've still got other calls to make.
So I've got to figure out where the hell I'm going to live.
Tomorrow, my father, sister, and I will make funeral arrangements.
Right now, I'm playing an Aretha Franklin Greatest Hits CD. My mother loved oldies and Motown (great music, no doubt about it). She often said that she wanted Motown music at her wake and that she wanted it to be a joyous occasion.
I'm a shell of my former self, it seems. I'm overcome with grief but strangely (or perhaps not so strangely) there's an undercurrent of relief - for her sake - that her immense, immense, immense pain is no more. This woman took more pain than I ever could. She was a warrior against this disease and the other ailments she had and she fought it tooth and nail. I couldn't be prouder of her.
I began thinking a bit and then realized my mother was keeping two cancer journals. When she was alive, I'd always try to sneak a peek and she'd say, "Get! You can't read this yet!" I just read them. They're not too long but they're chock full of messages to my sister and I, along with details of her various medical procedures, appointments, her final wishes, et al.
What I think is awesome is that she wrote a ton of entries directed at my sister, telling her not to ever feel guilty about not spending more time with her (as my sister lives about 45-50 minutes from the house) and that she couldn't be more proud of her. My sister apologized for that very thing while in her hospital room earlier this evening. I do believe that I've found something of an emotional salve. It won't completely heal the hurt but it'll go a long way towards giving my sister some solace over that hanging emotion.
Rest in peace, Mom. You were my best friend, my world, and I'll always think of you, honor you, and cherish you each and every single goddamn day.