This post is for all those who have an elderly parent or maybe a special friend that is moving toward the end of their life.
This is no longer about you and other tips.
The phone rang at around five am on a November morning four years ago. A voice I had never heard before informed me that my mother had just passed away. I slowly disconnected and whispered :"Oh, thank God that it is finally over for her."
I knew no bands would play. No flags would fly at half-mast. A humble simple woman, one of those kind, hidden heroes that hold together families and enrich communities was gone like light disappears with the flick of a switch. But I was glad for her that all the pain was now gone.
I had not been around for my father's sudden illness and death that took him away in a fast few days when I was hundreds of miles away. But I was there with Mom for all but the last few breaths. I had just visited her that night, a few hours before, at the hospital and it was obvious to my 14 year-old son who had thankfully accompanied me for the last visit that time was ticking down on her, and fast. "I am glad you came, Perry, that may be one of the last times we see her, you do know that don't you?"
"That's why I kissed her dad," this wonderful near man spoke.
Here are some things I have to teach to you, for you will someday be lucky enough to be in the position I once held in dealing with a dying friend or parent. You too will one day receive a call or hold an unresponsive hand. (I have used mom in this post, you can easily replace mom with dad if that is your situation.)
I am thankful that my Mom and I got to live long enough to transform our relationship from mother-son to person-person friend. I had many good happy times with her in the last years of our time together. I feel good about the time we had together when the roles completely reversed and I was her primary caregiver and she the helpless recipient. I can still vividly remember putting a bib on her at the nursing home and us laughing at it-Did you ever think you would be putting a bib on Me! Then she genuinely laughed. So, my first message is transform the relationship. Give up all the past hurts and the grievances. It is time to switch places but do so in a way that isn't dominating. Treat your mom or dad like a good friend. This is no longer about you.
Let her talk, encourage her to talk, bring up shared experiences, bring in old photos. Even if the talk turns to regret, mistakes, or seems full of self-pity. Do not block the talk. Don't negate what he or she is saying. Listen better than you have ever listened to another human. Ask her questions, mirror back her questions. Do not get into being a problem solver. You aren't going to be able to solve this one.
Bring music into her life. Buy a good portable CD player or I-Pod and some quality earphones. Try an audio book with her. Music, especially with the use of headphones can be a way of relieving pain and a way to combat fear and loneliness. This may have been the most successful thing I did with her in the last few months.
Read to her. Read the paper, read her poetry, or jokes. Read inspiring stories, the Chicken Soup for the Soul series is a great place to start for these. Tape record her and ask about her childhood. My favorite memory from this was when she told me that her favorite Christmas present as a child was a fresh, juicy orange. She also shared, with the tape off, the time she had come home after working a long shift a few weeks after her first husband, my blood father, had died and given my older brother a too severe spanking and how she had vowed to never hurt anyone else for the rest of her life. She cried over this 50 year-old memory. With the recorder on, she told me all about my father, a taboo subject when Dad was alive and how she had to break off contact with my father's relatives as every visit turned gloomy and ended in tears.
Be aware of family members who are going to approach your mother or father's transition with their own set of experiences that may be very different from yours. Try to be patient and resist with all your power anything monetary or old sibling trips that could surface and soil this important end time. There will be plenty of time to let it all out when it is over if you still feel the need. I am asking you to not only fight off your own demons but also shrug off those of your family members.. Simple in theory but difficult in practice. Do it for you mom or dad just as we tell divorcing parents to put the kids first. In fact, one or more family members may want to subconsciously provoke some nonsense as a sick form of coping with this all. Tread lightly here.
Keep care of yourself during this time. Force yourself to take catnaps,outside breaks, walks, and monitor your own feelings. You must be fresh and alert as you will be making important decisions. You may want to recognize that your may be a vehicle for some interesting mystical messages that may be sent for you to deliver to your mom. You are going to say some things to your mom that you will have no idea where they came from as that is part of this experience. Also, give yourself a break when you find yourself getting irritated and recognize that our parents have real trouble in giving up independence. When they have to quit driving is an example. (*See my post on this at my site.) You are not an angel, just a person who has been given an angel's job.
Relish the end times. Try to see this for what it is and be thankful that you are there for her and capable of being strong and supportive. Thank her for things she has done for you and cheer her on for what she accomplished during her time here. Ask her directly about dying and get the subject out in the open when you sense the time is right. One time I turned to Mom and said, " If you could live another year would you take it?" The conversation that followed this question was profound and I noticed relief from her. In retrospect, I think she was trying to be a mother to the end and protect all of us kids from what she knew as the final chapter. No more secrets-get the subject out in the open and let her know you are going to be okay and everyone knows the truth and is getting along. And when the time is right give her permission to go. They are often alone and in pain, don't you think it logical that they would be thinking of their own death?
Do not trust the doctors as being all knowing. You need to be in control especially concerning medications. One time mom was hospitalized and when she returned home my sister and I went through her many medications and read the printouts. We found that she had been given medications that interacted in negative ways with one another. We got some discontinued after alerting the main physician who was himself unaware. This is especially true of those seeing multiple doctors or specialists.
Last, a story of how humor and tragedy are often twin visitors. I want to tell you about Mom's last serious fall.
Things had been going very well. Mom had gotten a spinal steroid shot that had worked. She was free of pain for the first time in years and was feeling well enough to visit her friends and play her precious Bingo out at the Indian casino with her pals. She was all dressed up and getting ready to drive out there. In the bedroom my son and two of his friends were goofing around and laughing. Actually, they were farting and grossing each other out after I had cooked them a huge breakfast of French Toast, sausage, bacon, and eggs. Mom said, "It really is a beautiful dayyyyyy.....and out she went like a candle.
I was sitting in a chair and saw her crumple. I dove and managed to get a arm under her before she hit the floor. She started shaking as if in a convolution and my first thought was "No, not a stroke!"
I yelled, "Jesus Christ-Perry call 911!"
He yelled back, "Oh ,come on dad, the smell isn't that bad."
When I told this to Mom in the hospital a couple of days later she simply howled with laughter.
Your mom or dad may not be in the end times yet. There are many time schedules. Some are quick and suddenly over. Others, have a series of ups and downs and linger for months or even years. But if you have an elderly parent it is going to be a voyage for you. I hope some of these words give you solace.
Peace from the Spudman.