The bonus culture runs deep. Executives and rank-and-file workers argue that lawmakers and others who complain about bonuses do not understand how this industry works. Bonuses, Wall Streeters say, are a crucial part of total compensation, and are often treated as deferred salaries.—New York Times, 1/31/09.
Times are tough all over, it seems. While Joe Sixpack frets about getting evicted from the cramped apartment he shares with four fellow Circuit City employees who will soon find themselves out of work, Wall Street gazillionaires are stressed out by talk that because taxpayers are footing the bills for their banks, they might not get a fat bonus on top of the salary that already puts them in the top 1% of U.S. earners. This is serious, people! These folks need our help! And so, in a spirit of national unity in tough times, I present this useful guide, "How to live on one million a year or less."
Change#1: Necessities
There are three basic necessities in life: food, clothing and shelter. These things are basically the same in the downmarkets as in the land of the luxe—they just go by different names. Here are some phrases you Richie Riches are accustomed to using, accompanied by their translation into regular-guy-ese.
For "I’ll have the Foie Gras" substitute "Just give me the liver and onions."
For "Does the size two Chanel come in pink?" substitute "Do you have any of these Hanes T-shirts in Xtra Large?"
For "Please bring my Lexus round to the front" substitute "Honey, do you remember where we parked the minivan?"
Change #2: Vacations
There’s no getting around it—on a million a year or even less, you’re going to have to get rid of one or maybe even two extra homes. That doesn’t mean you won’t get down time. You’ll merely need to shift where and how you spend it. Here is a helpful guide to how your travel destinations can change but still remain (more or less) the same.
If you favor the French Riviera, try Lake Champlain—you still get water and a Frenchie name, but at a fraction of the cost! C’est Magnifique!
If the Alps are your cuppa, how about a sojourn in the Poconos? There are peaks aplenty and you should have no trouble finding some great German food in nearby Pennsylvania Dutch country.
Are you a denizen of Martha’s Vineyard, where you picked up one of those famous Black Dog T-shirts? Try Ohio’s own Put-In-Bay, the little Island on Lake Erie with a big heart. Bonus: It has a winery, so you can drink your troubles away. While you’re there, don’t forget to snag a "Nobody’s Ugly After Two" t-shirt at Mr. Ed’s Tiki Bar and Grill. Apparently these shirts are famous in their own right, and justifiably so, no doubt.
Change # 3: Relationships
Nobody likes divorce, but the ultra-rich fear it less than us common folk because they can afford to take the hit in the wallet that inevitably accompanies splitting up a family and starting over. With salaries at the top of the heap on the decline, however, it looks like the Mr. Bigs of the world are going to have to learn how to love the ones they’re with. Here are a few helpful hints in that department.
For "I don’t know why I’m paying for a tennis coach when you still can’t fit into the clothes you wore before you had the baby" substitute "No, honey, that dress does not make you look fat."
For "I’ll be having dinner at the club tonight—don’t wait up for me" substitute—"I’m picking us up a bucket of hot wings at KFC on the way home. Take the kids to your folk’s place."
For "Don’t think that I can’t do better, because I can and I will" substitute "Of course I would never leave you, honey—even if I could afford it."
Finally, if none of this cheers you up, try to remember that things could be worse. You could be the cook, nanny, gardener or maid you’re going to have to fire soon. I know it’s hard for those of you who are obscenely rich to understand, but we would rather have our tax dollars go to help those folks out than to keep you in private jets and summer homes.
Cross-posted at Cheapskates Blog and
Open Salon.