Up until now, I’ve been lucky. I haven’t had to deal with a family member or close friend whose politics were much different from my own. I grew up as part of a progressive family. My first marriage was into a progressive family. My second husband’s family seems liberal, although I haven’t discussed politics with my brothers-in-law. I can‘t speak to the politics of all of my friends; in some cases it simply hasn’t been part of the discourse. One friend’s right-wing politics became clear just before the election when she sent out an email containing an anti-Obama poem, but other than gently letting her know that I don’t share her sentiments, I haven’t delved into politics with her. Much. (But that’s another, very small, story.) But now my cocoon of liberalism is breaking open, and I’m interested in knowing how people in more politically diverse families handle the differences of opinion.
I have a stepdaughter, in her late 20s, who is a public school teacher; she’s a vivacious young woman and an eternal optimist. We have a good relationship. She and I have discussed political and social issues a few times over the ten years we’ve known each other, and we generally see eye-to-eye.
She is about to embark on her second marriage. Her fiancé is a fairly quiet man, so we don’t know him well yet. She tells me that he and his family are conservative; eventually we learn that a local conservative pundit is a close family friend. A few weeks ago, her fiancé’s parents invited us over for dinner, which we welcomed as an opportunity to get to know them better. My stepdaughter, anticipating that pundit and his wife might also be present at this dinner, called and asked me to keep politics off the conversational table, even if the pundit broached the subject. I agreed to avoid the topic if reasonably possible, but I refused to promise that I wouldn’t respond in a civil manner if someone said something I found truly objectionable.
As it happened, pundit and his wife were not going to be at the dinner. Bullet dodged. But then stepdaughter drops a little bombshell: pundit will be the celebrant at the wedding. Oh, and by the way, the wedding will be at his house.
Now, I’m not exactly ecstatic about this, but it’s her day, not mine. Politics has no place in it, and I’d like to think no one will bring it up. A recent conversation with her has left me a bit concerned, though, not just about getting along with her new family and friends, but about their influence on her beliefs. She’s beginning to spout some of the right-wing talking points. And she’s very, very nervous that I might have a confrontation with pundit that would embarrass her and ruin her wedding day, no matter how many times I reassure her otherwise. To the best of my knowledge, I’ve never done or said anything to embarrass her that would give her grounds for this mistrust.
Ultimately, we’ll probably get through her wedding just fine. If necessary, I’ll bite my tongue until it bleeds. Going forward, though, I’ll have to get used to having a close family member whose beliefs are shifting to the right. I won’t censor myself (except on her wedding day). But I’m not looking forward to it. I know some of you have family and friends on the right-wing end of the spectrum; are you able to maintain a good relationship despite the disagreement? What strategies help you keep the peace?
P.S.: This is my maiden diary.