Wait, wait, hear me out on this one.
I don't think it's a stretch to say that El Rushbo is the current de facto leader of the Republican Party, right? Rahm Emanuel wasted no time the other day making that point. Reps. Mike Pence (R-IN) and Phil Gingrey (R-GA) both made plenty sure to grovel at Limbaugh's feet when they (sorta) denounced his comments about hoping President Obama fails. Even the actually elected leader of the RNC, Michael Steele, just put his foot in his mouth when he called Limbaugh's radio program "ugly."
So I started thinking, if he truly is the leader of the GOP, why doesn't Rush run for office himself? Legally speaking, it wouldn't be that hard for him to do. He's passed the age requirements, and he's got the money. All he needs to do is become a registered voter in the state he's running in.
And that's where we come in. I offer Daily Kos a challenge: Let's help find Limbaugh a state for his 2010 run for office! It's a tough job, but SOMEBODY's got to do it!
Cross-posted at Talking Points Memo
Let's assess Rush's chances in each of the 50 states:
Alabama. Deep South state, voted against Obama by a big margin, and Sen. Richard Shelby recently suggested that the President might not even be a U.S. citizen. Seems promising for El Rushbo!..... Except that unemployment benefits in Alabama are increasing by $25 a week, a decision signed onto by Gov. Bob Riley, a Republican. Limbaugh would never stand for that, not after he criticized Obama at the CPAC for portraying "America as a soup kitchen in some dark night in a corner of America that's very obscure," or in Rush's mind, that place where lazy black people get Welfare checks all of the time. So Alabama's out.
Alaska. Sarah Palin country, lotsa drugs for Rush to get his hands on.....but it's so damn far away! I don't think Rush would accept living all the way up in the Alaskan wilderness to run for elected office, and his life would be under constant attack from moose, wolves, and Vladimir Putin. Alaska's out.
Arizona. This one's out too. Limbaugh's not crazy about McCain. It's not even clear Arizona would have gone for the GOP at all if McCain weren't on the ticket.
Arkansas. Another deep red state, one of a handful that in fact requires you to believe in God just to run for office. But I'm pretty sure Bill Clinton would move back down there just to stop Limbaugh from reaching any elected office. So I'm sorry Rush, it doesn't matter how deeply entrenched this state is in "conservative" principles, but you're not beating Clinton.
California. Nope.
Colorado. A Western state that's trending blue. And the thin air would probably kill Rush's big fat frame if he stood in that state long enough.
Connecticut. Definitely not.
Delaware. Come on, now.
Florida. Rush could feasibly make a run here, given that the studio of his radio program and his gated mansion is in West Palm Beach. Oh, but there's a small problem. Limbaugh has a little bit of an addiction to painkillers, and he was turned over to the authorities in Florida a couple years ago for supposedly obtaining them illegally. Not good. If that story were to, um, you know, surface, his Floridian electoral chances would be shot.
Georgia. But Rush could just move up a bit north to this bastion of redness in the South! Georgia could be just the ticket since it's also the home of Limbaugh's lapdog Phil Gingrey. I guess anything's possible since Georgia re-elected Sen. Saxby Chambliss, that incorrigible rogue who lamented that the "other folks" were going for Obama on Election Day. But, well, even Chambliss had an approval rating of 53% as of July, 2008, and he barely won. Limbaugh's approval rating as of a few days ago? 21%. So even Georgia will be tricky to pull off.
Hawaii. Don't think this is a good idea. Rush is hoping that the President, who once lived here, will fail. Is Rush even allowed inside this state's borders?
Idaho. Idaho is one of six states that are reliably Republican in voter registration, according to Gallup. You'd think this one would be a winner, but you'd be wrong. Like Alabama, Idaho's Republican governor Butch Otter also did that whole "add $25 to unemployment check" thing. Plus, as we all know Idaho is rich in potatoes. Eating enough of them would cause Rush to explode. It's a scientific fact. And as we all know, El Rushbo does not want to explode from within, like the GOP (or so we think).
Illinois. Yeah, that'll happen.
Indiana. Limbaugh claimed his Operation Chaos was responsible for giving Hillary Clinton the victory in the Indiana primary. Except, she was supposed to win by a lot more, and then when the GOP tried winning it in November, it failed. And even if he did want to make a run in Indiana, he'd get tired of having to walk his lapdog Mike Pence around all day. He'd also get tired of walking in general, as I'm not sure his body can support it for much longer. In fact, let's just make the assumption that any and all "walking" that Rush Limbaugh does will be done via rickshaw, and that Pence, Gingrey, and Steele will all carry it. In addition, let us also assume that any and all "breathing" done by Limbaugh will not be done by respirating with his mouth, but rather fed to him by an oxygen tube which will fuel his not-so-silent rage.
Iowa. It went big for Obama, so that's already bad for Rush. And I'm sure there are some other reasons, but I can't think of them now....let's get back to this one later.
Kansas. Very Republican Great Plains state....but, well, hmmmm, why did Limbaugh accuse now former Gov. Katherine Sebelius of withholding refund money from Kansas taxpayers? Did he forget that it was Kansas state Republicans that blocked those tax refunds? Ah, the devil's in the details, but details have never been a strong suit for Rush, anyway.
Kentucky. Also a Republican state, but the overload on KFC would probably kill him.
Louisiana. Oh, now I remember why Iowa wouldn't be a good state for Rush! Rush has said some, shall we say, interesting things about Katrina victims, like this little gem:
I see devastation in Iowa and Illinois that dwarfs what happened in New Orleans. I see people working together. I see people trying to save their property...I don't see a bunch of people running around waving guns at helicopters, I don't see a bunch of people running shooting cops. I don't see a bunch of people raping people on the street. I don't see a bunch of people doing everything they can...whining and moaning---where's FEMA, where's BUSH. I see the heartland of America. --Limbaugh, June 2008
Maine. Eh, I don't think so.
Maryland. Sorry, if they wouldn't accept one of Rush's lapdogs in Michael Steele, they won't accept him either.
Massachusetts. Cute.
Michigan. No.
Minnesota. If it just elected the guy that called Rush a big fat idiot, then they probably won't elect the big fat idiot himself. But he'd at least be able to have some super awesome Red Scare parties with Michele Bachmann.
Mississippi. Ooh, this could work! Southern state, went for McCain, also another state that won't let atheists run for office....but you know what, it's out. Rush only registered as popular as Gov. Haley Barbour at the CPAC's 2012 straw poll, pulling in an amazing 1%. Uh, that actually might hurt his chances in every state....forget we said it, Rush!
Missouri. Hey, why doesn't Rush run in Missouri? He was born there, he'd be like a favorite son! Only, I think Michael J. Fox and Claire McCaskill would have something to say about this.
Montana. A state that's trending blue. And I'm pretty sure that Sen. Jon Tester's buzzcut would mop the floor with Rush's bald head.
Nebraska. You know, this one would work, except that last year they banned capital punishment. Rush wouldn't support that, would he?
The only thing cruel about death penalty is last-minute stays. (Rush Limbaugh, July 1992)
Nevada. Obama won big in the Gem State, and the whole "I hope he fails" statement is not the kind of statement that most male gamblers want to think of when they walk into a casino. So that slogan might not play well there.
The News (New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York). No Rush, the New states aren't "booing" you. They're saying, "Booooooooouuuuuhhhhhrush!"
Wait, scratch that. Yes, they're booing you.
North Carolina. Obama won this one, but not by much. And you know, Rush, it didn't help things when you called the alleged Duke lacrosse rape victim a ho. Don Imus got fired for calling a women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos", but you kept your job. Amazing! But running for office while saying stuff like that could get you in trouble.
North Dakota. A record-setting cold season up here gave plenty of fuel to global warming deniers, a crowd El Rushbo would just LOOOOOVE to hang out with.....but there's a problem with running for election in a state that has cold weather. Namely, that it gets COLD. Limbaugh's not-so-svelte frame could probably protect him somewhat from the elements, but why take the risk?
Ohio. Uh oh, this state is starting to tilt blue. Plus, running for office in Ohio means Rush might have to deal with an ugly, bitter primary against Samuel Wurzelbacher, aka Joe the Plumber. Unfriendly territory. Avoid it.
Oklahoma. Why not Oklahoma? Sen. James Inhofe and the other global warming deniers would jump at the chance to get Rush on board. Rush did, however, on his October 10, 2008 radio show compare Obama to William Ayers, and then William Ayers to Timothy McVeigh (there's a YouTube video of the program....but my compy won't link to it, that's a shame). Rush, Oklahomans might not like it when you insinuate the President is akin to the same guy who, uh, killed a lot of Oklahomans. And another thing: Running for election in Oklahoma would force Rush to watch the musical "Oklahoma!" every day until his term expires. Yes, it's a scientific fact. And Rush doesn't want to watch "Oklahoma!" every day.
Oregon. Nah, he'd get eaten alive here, if not by voters then certainly by bears.
Pennsylvania. Uh, I think not. Philadelphia hasn't forgiven Rush for what he said about Donovan McNabb and black quarterbacks.
Rhode Island. Absolutely not. Rush wouldn't even fit inside the state boundaries, much less get elected by the people within them. For their safety, Rush shouldn't run here.
South Carolina. Oh, this one could have been a good state for El Rushbo. Could have. If not for Republican Gov. Mark Sanford proclaiming that anybody who wants President Obama to fail is an idiot. I guess South Carolina doesn't like idiots.
South Dakota. South Dakota, the state with one of the highest mortality rates among U.S. soldiers in Iraq, won't take too kindly to El Rushbo's "phony soldiers" comments. Plus, Mount Rushmore might threaten to eat him.
Tennessee. Bible Belt state, very conservative, highly white....these things all add up to Rush in 2010! Oh, but why did former Tennessee GOP chairman Chip Saltsman have to send that "Barack the Magic Negro" song to other GOPers? And why did El Rushbo have to play the song on his radio show and call Obama the "Magic Negro" 27 times in a single broadcast? Tennessee's out.
Texas. Limbaugh never graduated from college. In fact, he dropped out. Kinda hard to run for office on a no-education background in the state that posts some of the worst graduation rates.
Utah. Ah, one of the reddest states in the Union. Fertile ground for El Rushbo! Though, it's kinda hard to imagine Rush getting along with Republican Gov. John Huntsman, what with his unfriendly attitude towards the Congressional GOP and his shifting stance on the gays. Rush also didn't do himself many favors by mocking a Salt Lake City restaurant for being a non-profit organization. And does Rush really want to have to SKI all the time?
Vermont. Out of the question.
Virginia. Woulda been alright for Limbaugh maybe 16, 20 years ago....but then he said this about the guy who committed mass murder at Virginia Tech:
This guy had to be a liberal. You start railing against the rich and all this other -- this guy's a liberal. He was turned into a liberal somewhere along the line. So it's a liberal that committed this act.
Rush, Rush, Rush....the state just went for a liberal. That comment isn't gonna work.
Washington. Rush's skin cannot handle rain.
Washington D.C. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
West Virginia. Nope, too many mountains. Rush's rickshaw cannot scale said mountains.
Wisconsin. Too blue of a state, and Rush's gut cannot process any more cheese, brats, or beer.
Wyoming. Ah, it only took my 50 states and one commonwealth to arrive at Wyoming, a great place for Rush to run! Only, Wyoming voters might be a tad concerned that he will single-handedly kill the state animal (the bison), the state bird (the meadowlark), the state fish (the cutthroat trout), and the state reptile (the horned toad)....just by sitting down.
**********************
Well, I think that about wraps it up! I'm glad we could have this discussion. Rush Limbaugh, you have PLENTY of states to choose from for which you can start planning your 2010 run.....not to mention your inevitable 2012 run when you lose in 2010, your 2014 run when you lose again, and your next 8 consecutive non-winning runs.
Rush Limbaugh, just remember: With my healthy electoral guide shown above, you should like your chances!
And Republicans, just remember: With Rush Limbaugh, you are fucked.