Whenever Keith Olbermann mentioned Bill O'Reilly as the "Frank Burns of News", it takes me back memories. I used to watch M*A*S*H often on FX when I was in middle school (I'm now 22), and Frank was always my favorite because of the comedic value brought by the late, great Larry Linville. Ever since FX took it off (So it could have more commercial time for it's "gritty" dramas), I had forgotten about it, but when Keith started the comparisons last fall, it always gave me a good laugh and brought back memories for me. Thank god for DVD and libraries.
Never mind the obvious personality similarities, the physical resemblance is amazing. It's almost as if Frank got a spin-off series after the Korean War, and you knew you could see him at FOX News someday.
The similarities:
1. Billo may as well be Frank Burns, 20-30 years older. No chin, beaty little eyes, sniveling facial expressions, no lips, squints when laughing, and can easily be called Ferret Face, the Lipless Wonder, or the Chinless Chipmunk in his own right. Except, of course, Billo has far less hair, most likely from aging.
2. Both are Republicans who have full support of censure of the 1st Amendment. Frank had a photo of Sen. Joe McCarthy next to his bed (Hawkeye wrote on it, "Know Your Enema!"). Billo gloats over any anti-war movie that flops, and often dissed any anti-Bush dissent. Of course, Billo's taken an intresting 180 lately when it omes to Obama.
3. Both often like to fight one-man wars. I can't recall a specific event, but I know Frank has often tried to try to fight North Koreans on his own, only to retreat like a wimp after two seconds. That, or commandeer a tank and wreak havoc all over the 4077th, or arresting an entire Korean family (Hawkeye's Response: "The Ox is a Radio Translator"). Billo declared war on France and delusionally believed he destroyed its economy. Or his endless list of boycotts merely on association. Of course, his greatest hit will always be the War on Christmas.
4. Despite denials, both have uncontrollable sexual urges. Frank had Hot Lips Houilhan, but Billo wasn't as fortunate, since he was simply a man-whore. And both also probably had some of the worst pick-up lines one will ever hear. Here's a couple classics from Frank:
"Oh, Margaret, you're my snug harbor...I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you to sail into!"
"Margaret, I get so excited when you say the word excited."
Of course, for the sake of mental health and sanity, I will not even bother to think about what Billo has said, especially in light of Andrea Mackaris. To be fair, Frank's refuge usually didn't last very long. All he had to do was mention his wife, and the next words heard all over Korea would be "GET OUT FRANK!"
5. Both have a sick amount of greed. Frank married his unattractive wife for money, which is why he never divorced her for Hot Lips. And he'd certainly go off the Army manual if it meant making a few bucks. He even said that he only became a doctor for the money. Billo's greed comes from the endless plugging of his online store, especially during the War on Christmas.
6. When Frank gets even slightly pissed off because of what someone said, he immediately files court martial papers, usually against Hawkeye. Billo usually sends his little boys on a camera ambush. Just remember the three magic words...Malamedy, Mackaris, Loofa. Of course, neither of them would really get anywhere. Only once did Burns actually get Hawkeye to a hearing (Where Burns was told he'd be better off as a pastry chef), and Billo's ambuses have become the material of great comedy these days, complete with squaky voiced teens.
7. Both have mass paranoia that is seriously unhealthy, and xenophobia that rivals only Lou Dobbs. Frank often was convinced that Communists were infiltrating and sabotaging aspects of the 4077th, all the way down to his toothpaste. To have fun with this, all one had to do was fill one of his foxholes with freezing water, yell "AIR RAID!", and let Frank do the rest. Billo often goes on rants against immigrants, the "far-left secular progressive loons", believes that George Soros is out to get him and destroy the country, and claims that he's fighting the "Forces of Darkness" in the War on Christmas. And when it comes to immigrants, Frank would be ever so distrustful, with classic lines such as "Why can't they speak English like normal people?", and Billo's way of dealing with them is just throw a tantrum at Geraldo Rivera and turn ANY story into an illegal immigrant spin.
8. The names and remarks both come up with for even the most unoffensive of words said towards them:
Frank: "You wish!", "Oh, cockypop!", "Go practice your putts!", "That was totally uncalled for!" (I think Dan Quayle found some inspiration here)
Billo: "Far left loons are at it again!", "He's a pinhead!", "Elements at MSNBC...", and of course, "SHUT UP!"
9. Both have had BS claims for awards. Frank often sought Purple Hearts, either by throwing his back out, or for an eggshell fragment that was cooking-related. Billo often claimed he won a Peabody while on Inside Edition, when he obviously didn't.
- Both have probably the most laughable ideas outside of Glenn Beck's televangelist "movement" these days. Frank once enthusiastically supported a far-fetched cover story from a visiting Intelligence Officer that MASH units could function out amphibious at sea (Hawkeye called it "The Titanic"). Billo, as I've mentioned before, believe that a boycott of everything that George Soros and NBC employees/viewers have breathed on will help America win his "Culture War".
- Their lack of skills in their professions is glaring. Frank is so bad of a surgeon and/or he often takes shortcuts during surgeries that a patient he operated on would usually have to be reopened in order to save his life. Billo resembles nothing of a real journalist or reporter. All he does is shove his Talking Points Memos and engages in bullying anyone who dares to disagree with any part of it. Usually yelling and name calling would be involved.
- Both are wimps, period. Frank may claim to be the patriotic soldier he is, but he often would hide scared during shelling or sniper attacks. In Billo's case, please note that he never goes out with a camera crew himself to ambush someone. Why does he really expect them to be intimidated by his little boys?
- They hate bad news about their respective wars. A couple classics from Frank regarding the Korean War:
"I'm sick of hearing about the wounded! What about all the thousands of wonderful guys who are fighting this war without any of the credit or the glory that always goes to those lucky few who just happen to get shot?"
"I hope you realize that by trying to introduce more discipline, more order, I've hopefully made this a more enjoyable war for all of us."
"We all know it's brutal up there at the front, especially those of us at the rear!"
And from Billo regarding the Iraq War:
"Now, you would think everyone in the world who values freedom would be rooting for the Iraqis to have them, but they are not. Here in the USA, some of the anti-Bush crowd would rather have chaos in Iraq than a victory for the president."
"Today we’re seeing the same thing on the net here in America, there is no difference. When Arianna Huffington allows people to say that Nancy Reagan should suffer terribly and then die, that is no different that what doctor Joseph Goebbels and others were putting out way back then."
"But as I’ve said before, I believe also that John Paul is naive and detached from reality. If America does not lead an attack on Iraq, once again, Saddam remains in power and is free to use his anthrax and other terrible weapons as he chooses."
There's clearly a lot they have in common. Here's two things that they don't:
1. Frank is much more high pitched, especially when he laughs. Billo is darker, almost as if he loves to scream "I'M THE MAN!". I can see why Keith usually mimics him with Ted Knight's voice. I hope Keith can one day do a good Rodney Dangerfield impression to challenge Billo, since it's only natural.
2. Maybe Billo is more like Frank this off-camera, but their body language differs. Frank often looks rather nervous or sulky, and often has his hands in his pockets. Billo likes to show himself as Captain America. Sorry, but Sean Hannity has already claimed that title. And Billo loves to jab his finger at his guests, and pokes out his cameraman's eyeballs with his pen at the beginning of his show.
I apologize for not having any pictures of Major Burns or Bill O'Reilly up so you can see what I mean by the physical comparisons, but I'm still new to the blogging on here. In any case, I hope you enjoyed this and I hope it gives you all a good cheer today!