Guantanamo Bay remains open, and it appears will continue to be so until President Obama has decided what to do with its detainees--a grave challenge for our president. Gitmo has become a symbol of American arrogance abroad, particularly in the Muslim world, and the means and speed with which it is closed will impact not only our standing in the world, but our security here at home.
At issue are the 160 to 180 detainees we lack evidence to try either in domestic courts or military tribunals, who must be released back into the world. The question is, where? After years of illegal detention and, in some cases, "enhanced interrogation," one can assume that all detainees, even ones who were innocent upon arrival, are not at present particularly well-disposed towards the United States or its allies.
We can all agree--Republicans, Democrats, and Independents alike--that something needs to be done with these 160 to 180 detainees, and that our goal is to rectify this issue as fairly, inexpensively, and simply as possible. If, in the bargain, we are able to provide some value to the American people, so much the better.
I have been mulling this important issue over for months, and after sober consideration, believe that I have found a method that would meet the above criteria, while at the same time, help revive a flagging American industry. In addition, I believe that with enough time, my method may even rehabilitate some of these hardened detainees.
And so, I modestly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will be considered with the seriousness with which they are offered.
I have been assured by an accomplished LA television producer that a troubled Gitmo detainee would make for riveting, advertiser friendly viewing, whether in the form of a competition-based program such as Dancing With the Stars, a less structured scenario such as The Real World, or a moral test such as Temptation Island.
I therefore offer to the people of America that of the 160 to 180 detainees we lack the evidence to try in either military tribunals or courts of law, all be immediately sent to Los Angeles, where a team of casting directors will sort them into whichever scenario the directors deem the detainees most suited.
Not only will the detainees be afforded the most lavish conditions America has to offer (soaring past the bar set by the Red Cross for humane treatment) they will, per reality show norms, be constantly under 24-hour survelance, thus ensuring the safety of America's citizenry while the show is filming. They will also be afforded a trained psychologist, who will not only help them cope with the rigors of the reality show, but also cope with whatever minor residual effects remain from their captivity. And after being eliminated from a contest, each contestant will be evaluated by this psychologist to test their state of mind. If they are deemed to still be a threat to America, they will be put back into the pool of reality contestants for the following season. If they have been rehabilitated, they will be repatriated to their home country with whatever winnings they have accumulated during their time as a reality contestant.
I have been assured by another television executive that reality shows such as these stand to dramatically increase advertiser revenue for beleagured broadcast networks. What's more, by retaining the copyrights to these broadcasts, America could stand to profit from the residual sales, in the form of webcasts, episode syndication, and DVD sales. This profit could then be returned to America's citizens in the form of tax breaks, or a rebate check, ensuring that all citizens should share in the rehabilitation of the detainees.
Now, I am no reality television producer, but I have nonetheless taken the liberty of sketching some potential reality programs:
Real World: Gitmo
Six Gitmo detainees get placed in lavish apartment in a major metropolitan area. How will they adjust to American culture? Find out what happens when detainees stop being detained, and start being real!
Dancing with Detainees
Thirteen Gitmo detainees are paired with the hottest professional dancers in a dramatic dance competition. Which of these detainees has what it takes to win it all?
Temptation Island: Gitmo
Twelve married Gitmo detainees are sent to a remote island to live in the lap of luxury: and they're not alone! Each detainee will be tempted by six single women who have been hand-selected to appeal to their individual interests. After being apart from their wives for between three to six years, will these detainees be able to resist the wiles of these seventy-two women? Find out, in this year's controversial--and hot--Temptation Island!
These programs, in addition to being fair, humane, and entertaining, will also serve to foster a dialogue between the respective cultures of the detainees and Americans here at home. What lessons, I wonder, will we learn from watching these detainees adjust to the lifestyles and cultures of average Americans? What lessons will their own countrymen learn when they see their brothers, husbands and fathers engaged in the very highest art form American culture has to offer?
In short, I believe that using the detainees in new reality programming is the fairest way to quickly close Gitmo without risking the security of America's citizens, while also making some profit on the affair.
I should also state, for the record, that I have no personal stake in the broadcast industry, and stand to profit nothing from the implementation of my ideas--save, naturally, for such value as any American would receive: entertainment, peace of mind, and some small financial relief.