By John Cocktosten, Assassociated Press Writer – 30 mins ago
Conservatives in suburban Forth Worth are flocking to Whole Foods this weekend following the announcement by John Mackey, CEO of the organic-ish food chain, that he opposes healthcare reform. This could signal a new wave of politically motivated consumption by angry consumers and marketing strategies by large corporations to draw in customers in a tough market. But some conservative shoppers were confused, angry, and frightened after arriving at the food chain and were found hours later wandering the aisles, or leaving empty handed shaking their heads.
Thirty five year old Jenny-Mae Bottomswap, mother of 6 told reporters that she was disappointed in the selection and was unable to "find the stuff" she typically shops for. Likewise, she wasn't sure how to integrate any of the ingredients found in the store into her weekly recipe rotation. "There weren't no frozen fried corndogs. My kids ain't gonna eat the stuff in this store! No Baconnaise either. I mean, what are we supposed to do, pay for both bacon and mayonnaise? I don't think so."
On a more serious note, an elderly shopper found curled in the fetal position in the canned foods aisle had to be taken out on a stretcher. Reportedly, the 73 year old lifelong Texas resident just kept repeating that they couldn't find the Spam and that they were very very frightened about what was happening in this country.
A family of 4 faired slightly better in that they didn't end up hospitalized, but when asked why they were coming out of the store without any shopping bags, Mr. Hogg told reporters that they were going back to the Winn Dixie 45 minutes down the road after being unable to find the fried dough they had planned for the evening's menu and that "they wanted to do their shopping all in one place."
Other shoppers were found sitting in prayer groups in the vegetable section. Although they were reticent to break ranks and speak with reporters, employees said that one of these conservative patrons had seen an image of Satan in the rows of celery and they were all having second thoughts, believing their presence there may be part of what they called a "Democrat conspiracy" to get them to eat "liberal foods."
When asked to comment on the mass confusion and fear experienced on entering his stores, John Mackey said he was "nonplussed," and "really couldn't make heads or tails of it." But as the weekend wore on, it soon became clear that a backlash was forming as angry conservatives began picketing outside the Fort Worth location with signs and tshirts, chanting slogans like "Organic is Satanic," and "Hitler was a Vegetarian!!!"