Eight and a half months into the Obama administration and I'm already worn out. I'm tired of fighting the "get the message out" battle against a well-organized, well-funded (if not batshit crazy) right wing noise machine.
Until I found the secret.
The secret isn't logic, reason, or debate. It isn't carefully measured words designed to appeal to the listeners sense of compassion or patriotism. We appear to be long past the days of statesmenship and compromise. We will never convince those on the far right (measured roughly at 10-30% depending on the issue) of ANYTHING that comes out of our mouth. That revelation, while not particularly ground-breaking, is remarkably freeing.
This does not free us from interacting with our Connie brothers and sisters, particularly at family gatherings. The key is that when they say one thing...just choose to hear another. It really works and makes conversation easier, smoother, and much more fun!
So I present to you my Republican translation guide...
They say "Obamacare will lead to government-encouraged euthanasia."
You hear "The new plan will allow consultations on living wills."
They say "The Democrats' plans will lead to the government determining which medical procedures a patient can have."
You hear "I trust the business analysts and MBA doctors at my insurance company with mine and my families' lives even though they know I have no other options."
They say "We're taxed enough already."
You hear "I'm so happy I'm in the top 1.5% of earners."
They say "Obama has a secret socialist agenda."
You hear "I have no idea what socialism means."
They say "Obama's presidency isn't valid...he's not a natural born citizen."
You hear "I can't believe a fucking black guy won."
They say "I don't want Obama spreading his socialist agenda to our schoolchildren."
You hear "Why can't he just read books about pet goats like Bush?"
They say "Pelosi is a devious liar who is closer to a Nazi than anyone on the right."
You hear "There's a black guy as President and a chick as Speaker of the House?"
They say "Obama is gutting the military."
You hear "You should consider re-enlisting in the reserves now that the CiC isn't a dry-drunk frat boy with a Oedipus complex."
They say "The only approach that has not been tried is the conservative approach – limited bureaucracy, lower taxes, and responsible regulatory structures."
You hear "I'm so pissed that we ran the table for a good 4 years and all I have to show for it is contempt for anyone who disagrees with me."
They say "The Democrats want to send kids to camps for indoctrination and brainwashing."
You hear "The Republicans want to use the infotainment industry for indoctrination and brainwashing.
They say "Democrats want to teach Kindergarteners to be homosexual."
You hear "My 5-year old can work my Tivo better than me."
They say "Global warming is a hoax."
You hear "That's not smog...your glasses are just dirty."
They say "Liberal bloggers who sit around in their parents basement hurling misinformation are un-American and should be shot."
You hear "My 5-year old hasn't figured out how to blog yet so she can teach me but just you wait!"
They say "The cap-and-tax program is going to cost me $2000 a year for electricity!!"
You hear "My plasma TV uses 300 watts and it's Obama's fault!!"
They say "Clinton going to North Korea and getting those journalists makes America looks weak and proves Obama doesn't know what he's doing."
You hear "That Kim Jong-Il has pi memorized to 300 digits and has made 35 holes-in-one....what a showoff..."
They say "I will pray that you see how wrong you are."
You hear "Seriously...didn't you hear....a BLACK guy won!?!"
I will leave you with an example of this plan in action:
Uncle Karl: "Obamacare will lead to government-encouraged euthanasia and the Democrat Party wants to teach Kindergarteners to be homosexuals."
You: "I wonder how young is 'too young' to consider a living will...and just be patient for a few years then little Zoe can show you what she's learned!"
Uncle Karl: "Huh? Anyway, the cap-and-tax program is going to cost me $2000 a year for electricity!!
You: "Hmmm...I was thinking about getting an LCD TV instead of a plasma...but that was cuz they're lighter."
Uncle Karl: "Yeah well the topper is that Obama's presidency isn't even valid...he's not a natural born citizen."
You: "I know, huh!? I was sure we'd have a chick president first!"
It may not accomplish much, but I sure feel better.