Welcome to The Mad Logophile. It is my intent to explore words here; their origins, evolution, usage. Words are fascinating. They are alive; they are born, they change and, sometimes, they die. They are our principal tool for communicating with one another. There are millions of words yet only an estimated 171,476 words are in common current use. As a lexiphile, I enjoy discovering new words, using them and learning about their origins. Why yes, I do read dictionaries for fun... don't you?
I apologize for a repeat but I pulled a muscle in my back last Monday and sitting at the computer is not my back's happy place right now. So, I present (or REpresent) the diary on euphemisms. I'll be back next Sunday with the topic you chose last week, musical terms.
This week we will take a look at euphemisms. These are the words and phrases that we use when the actual one makes us, or society at large, uncomfortable. Death, sex and bodily functions have more euphemisms than anything else. The latter two because they "just aren't discussed in polite society" and the former because it makes us uneasy. So unnerved are we by death, that we gave it an anthropomorphic embodiment; the Grim Reaper.
By the way, did you know that euphemisms have an opposite? A dysphemism is a disagreeable word which we use instead of a neutral or positive one. When we type "Repuglicans" or "Rethuglicans", we are practicing dysphemism. I'm sure that we Democrats have a dysphemism or two aimed at us, too.
Euphemisms are abundant in every area of life. But there are three that have more than anything else; death, sex and bodily functions.
Raw language alert!
Some euphemisms for death include: Dirt nap, Pushing up the daisies, Deceased, Ceased to be, Expired, Gone to meet their maker, Stiff, Bereft of life, Resting in peace, Kicked the bucket, Shuffled off the mortal coil, In a better place, Six feet under, Crossed the River Styx, Sleeping with the fishes, Bought the farm, checked out, departed, lifeless, in repose, checked out, Gone into the west, No longer with us, Returned to the ground, In Heaven, Gathered to his people, Gave up the ghost, going to the big (whatever) in the sky, Bought a pine condo and living-challenged.
Some euphemisms for sex include: ball, bang, boff, boink, bone, bonk, bury the bone, churn butter, dip the wick, do the dirty, fornicate, get it on, get laid, get rocks off, hanky panky, hide the hot dog, hide the salami, hide the sausage, horizontal mambo, hot beef injection, hump, the in and out, jump one’s bones, knock boots, make love, make whoopee, mattress mambo, mount, nail, nookie, pickle tickle, piece of ass, plant your seed, play doctor, pork, ride the baloney pony, roll in the hay, score, scratch your itch, sexercise, shag, slap bellies, sow wild oats, stuff the taco, two-person push-ups and wet the wick
Some euphemisms for bodily functions (urination, defecation, menses, flatulation, vomiting) include: number one, pee, piddle, tinkle, wee-wee, whiz, bowel movement, droppings, dung, poo, poop, poopie, doo, dookie, number two, stool, answer the call, Aunt Flo, break wind, call of nature, call Ralph, cock the leg, curse, drop a log, drain the lizard, dump, empty your bladder/bowels, evacuate, friend, go, hygiene break, barking spider/frog, take a leak, loose your lunch, mail a letter, Montezuma's revenge, monthlies, period, pick a daisy, point Percy at the porcelain, post a letter, raspberry, rattle, red flag, relieve yourself, runs, see a man about a dog, shake hands with the bishop, siphon the python, splash your boots, technicolor yawn, throw up, time of the month, trots, void, water the garden, wind and worship at the porcelain altar.
To illustrate more euphemisms, I have written a short story...
Once upon a time, there was an intellectually challenged man who became the Leader of the Free World. It never occurred to him that he may have been raised above his ceiling. One day, the man received word of a negative incident. One that was a direct action against America by religious zealots hoping to earn a passport to their afterlife.
Now, the man and his special friends decided to use the adverse event to steer their alternative policies. They salted the facts and interpreted pragmatically the intelligence so as to proceed with an intervention. They used frighteners to put the fear of God into the common people. And they got approval for their pre-emptive strike against Iraq and its President For Life, Saddam Hussein.
When our military personnel were deployed to the Middle East, their first campaign was shock and awe; with surgical strikes, we showed Baghdad that we meant business. Of course, there was some incontinent ordinance and some soft targets were hit, but our overall success was worth the collateral damage. The Department of Defense and embedded journalists assured us that the deprivation of life was minimal. Even as our boots on the ground entrenched themselves, they began to implement the regime change. They captured enemy combatants and put them behind bars where they practiced enhanced interrogation techniques on them. We lost some combat troops to friendly fire, as often happens in a troubled area. Now, six years into Operation Iraqi Freedom, we have gated communities, concerned local citizens (which became Sons/Daughters of Iraq) and omens of prosperity. We have a timetable for withdrawal. Fingers crossed. Hopefully, the controlling party in Iraq will not decide to alter the demographics once we finally come home.
Meanwhile back at home, the number of economically inactive workers has grown. Non-performing assets made negative contributions to the distressed economy. Human Resources departments are giving out pinkslips to workers who have been made redundant or whose jobs have been outsourced. Of course, the American people are miffed about the situation. Some are Golden Agers, whose income is reliant on their claims and pensions. Some are grass widows (or widowers), whose spouses are on tour in areas of conflict.
Many of us have cash flow problems. Some of us have lost our shirts or had to take out a home-equity loan. Maybe we tried to keep up with the Joneses and went under. Maybe we bought a Handyman's Special to try to make ends meet. We have to do creative accounting and maybe even toss some bills in the circular file. We buy used furniture and pre-driven cars. Some of us bet the farm and now we just want to hang up our boots. We've been poorly used.
As we watched members of the the plutocracy lining their pockets and CEOs swallowing the Bible as they delivered terminological inexactitudes, then went to fancy restaurants and ate nouvelle cuisine after they received huge golden parachutes, we are understandably seeing red.
But the dog and pony show in the Beltway continued. The over-privileged networked, re-balanced stocks and painted the tape. Maybe even called in favors. While we footed the bill for restructuring and corporate recovery.
But now the dim bulb, who was as much good as a one legged man at an ass kicking contest, has crawled back into his hole. After using the categorical inaccuracy like a cudgel for eight years, he has been sent to the showers with lots of new character lines on his face. But the new sheriff in town is behind the eight ball. The loyal opposition claims a communication problem. We call bullpucky! We refuse to accept the white elephant. We won't accept yellow-bellied Congress Critters who blow smoke up our skirts while they brown-nose the GOPers. So we give the finger to Dutch comfort. Those careless of integrity had better watch their backs. We will not fail to win!
Any discussion of euphemisms would be lame without some input from George Carlin, who was a Prince of Lexicography. In his book Brain Droppings, he made a list of euphemisms, some of which were already in use and some he came up with:
blow job = holistic massage therapy
cheap hotel = limited service lodging
loan-sharking = interim financing
kidnapping = custodial interference
mattress and box spring = sleep system
shack job = live-in companion
truck stop = travel plaza
wife beating = intermittent explosive disorder
manicurist = nail technician
nude beach = clothing optional beach
peephole = observation port
baldness = acquired uncombable hair
body bags = remains pouches
drought = deficit water situation
uniforms = career apparel
seat belt/air bag = impact management system
prostitute = commercial sex worker
dildo = marital aid
lying on a job application = resume enhancement
miscarriage = pregnancy loss
police clubs = batons
smuggling = commodity relocation
room service = private dining
nightclub = party space
monkey bars = pipe-frame exercise unit
cardboard box = makeshift home
junkies = the user population
apartment = dwelling unit
salesman = product specialist
recession = a meaningful downturn in aggregate output
bad loans = nonperforming assets
gangs = nontraditional organized crime
gambling joint = gaming resort
mole = beauty mark
garbage collection = environmental services
sludge = bio-solids
genocide = ethnic cleansing
jeep = sports utility vehicle
library = learning resources center
junk mail = direct marketing
soda jerk = fountain attendant
soldiers and weapons = military assets
third floor = level three
illegal immigrant = guest worker
jet ski = personal watercraft
And a few that I found that made me laugh, frown or ask WTF?:
balance of mind disturbed = temporarily insane
circular error probability = the extent to which ordinance will miss the target
Glasgow kiss = a headbutt (Scottish)
imaginative journalism = a sensationalist fabrication
leave before the gospel = practicing the withdrawal method
merry-begot = born out of wedlock
non-self material = foreign matter present in the human body (to replace "foreign body" so as to not insult anyone from overseas - British)
patriotic reticence = the suppression of bad news
railroad bible = a deck of playing cards
Snow-capping = establishing a company wherein the managers are white and blacks do the menial tasks
thunderbox = a portable toilet
wooden log = someone used involuntarily for medical research
zero grazing = of cattle; to confine the animals to a barn
How about you? Do you have favorite euphemisms? Try adding to my story; I bet we can find even more ways to express our feelings. I just know that you have gazoodles of great ones...
----------------------------------------------------