I have talked about my bipolar disorder before and since I am coming off a very long, deep depressive cycle I thought it might be helpful to diary the outcome. This is because I have seen several diaries lately about depression and maybe for some people this can be helpful.
It is now October. I have been pretty bad since I think mid august. That is a long time for me to remain that bad. It does not usually last that long and when it does and is that bad I usually end up either harming myself or going into the psych ward at the local hospital or both. I did not do that this time. I tied myself to the mast and rode out the storm and came out alive on the other side.
When you are deeply depressed all your pain seems worse. Everything seems to hurt all the time and it makes you short tempered and mean spirited even if you do not want to be that way. And When you are depressed you can't think like normal so it is harder to keep yourself from saying stupid angry things that you do not really mean. And then you feel worse. You feel like a real asshole in fact. And sorry to say when I am like that and in pain I am usually dissociating as well which means my self control really takes a hit. The fact is that I can dissociate for days or weeks on end at times. Or go days and weeks where I am wavering between dissociation and wretched self pity. At times like this I spend hours walking, crying, dissociating, being enraged at the world. I think of all the things that have happened to me over the years. All the trauma, all the violence, all the sorrow and shame. That is all I can see of the past during those times. It has been over five years since I began to endure chronic pain. It has been years since I have had a day without significant pain. During these episodes it is all I can see of the future.
We moved during this time. We moved in August to an apartment in the same old house we loved in. It is a big, sprawling place which was divided into apartments and added to over the years. Our new place is really much better. It is the closest one to the hillside out back. We have a terrace set into the hillside and a little path that runs up the hill to a little landing. It is beautiful and the little yellow bellied sap sucker female is often in the trees right there. But it took me a really long time to see these things. All I saw was the days and days spent cleaning the old place and packing. It was filthy when we moved in and I was determined that the I would leave it better than I found it. All I saw was that the new place was even dirtier than the old one was when we moved in. All I saw was that the lady who moved in with her two children was very disappointed in the condition she found the apartment in.
Well she is a really nice lady with two kids crammed into a run down one bedroom apartment. She has come down in the world and it has been hard on her. I have been through similar circumstances. For a long time she had to live with her ex-husbands family. I now see what I missed when I was deeply depressed and I like her very much.
Both of my daughters found work. My older daughter is working for a company that fights forrest fire and does contract work. Right now she mostly piles slash. Sometimes they do prescribed burns on the slash piles. It has been a great burden that they were both unemployed for 9 months. What little I could do to help just looked like a joke compared to their needs. Even compared to the food stamps they got. But the fact that it was a costly burden only drove home what a sorry state I am in. Now they are working and for over a month all I could think was now my daughter can't come visit me because she is working overtime.
She is making about $150/week just in overtime and they no longer need my financial help and the younger one will soon be able to pay towards the bills now(she lives with us). So, happily the financial situation is easing up now. I really am happy, I still miss my girl.
During early October I turned 44. If I live three more years I will have lived longer than my mother. Ben took me out for pancakes. That was what I asked for. He also bought me a new pair of binoculars. I lost my old ones in July and could not watch the birdies for a long time. It was a wonderful surprise. It really helped. It was during this time that the depression began to lift. It takes longer to come out of it these days.
During the depression my front teeth began to bother me again. This was a real problem. They have been bothering me since 2006. When I was 18 I had a bike accident during which they were broken off and they have crowns. They are loose and the gums swell up. I gargle with peroxide and do my best to take care of them. Medicare does not include dental and financially my choices are very limited. I won't go without my front teeth. Depressed or not. I cannot bear the thought of the humiliation and let's face it discrimination this could bring. I would rather let the infection take me. Some things I am no longer willing to endure. I spent hours walking around thinking about everything and trying to think about everything. I wondered for days how much pain and poverty one person could endure. I thought of all the people who have endured so much worse than me.
But during this time was also able to think of something else. I was thinking of riding it out. I was thinking. and I am very proud of this. I was thinking the whole time that I was just depressed just like I always get depressed and I was thinking that if I could just ride it out I could get to a time when I could visualize myself living for a long time. I reminded myself that there would be a time when I would feel that I could stand a few more years of chronic pain if it meant I got to be with my family. If it meant that I got to see the seasons change and the babies grow up and the birdies migrate every year.
And for the very first time since before the chronic pain and the medical problems began I got through a major episode without meds, without hurting myself and without ending up in the psych ward. Sure there were days when I did not take my insulin when I should. There were days that I didn't get out of bed. There were many, many days when I did not do anything but feel sorry for myself and baby myself. But I used some of the things I learned in DBT and rode it out.
So for anyone who suffers depression now or who might suffer it in the future. When you find yourself wondering how much more you can endure just remember that you only need to endure until your depression eases. No matter how bad it gets people care about you and help is available and things really can get better. Give yourself a big hug and treat yourself like a baby for a while because you deserve it and look to ride it out.
I also want to say that even though I am not on a lot of meds I am not particularly against them. I just believe that for myself I have to learn to work with the problems that I face. I hope that people do find this helpful and can say as someone coming out of the deep grey world of depression that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.