It was waiting for me in the mailbox.
A thick, standard-sized envelope, it was addressed to me by name. The lettering on the outside hinted at a tantalizing promise of bipartisanship, of crossing the ideological divide between Red and Blue, of coming together as one nation, united to achieve the grandeur that is America.
REPUBLICAN LEADERSHIP CENSUS ENCLOSED, it read.
Could it be? Was it possible that the GOP was turning away from its tradition of sneering, our-way-or-the-highway smugness? Seeking to reach out to Democrats, to forge a new path for Republicans and to achieve the utopian vision of compromise and kumbaya so fervently sought after by the pundits and poobahs of the permanent political class?
Nah. It's just another Republican screw-up. So let's have fun with it, shall we?
The letter inside bears the name and title of the sender: "Congressman John Boehner, Republican Leader." I guess the term "minority leader" might make some folks wonder about his heritage ... maybe even to the point of pestering him for a birth certificate. Mustn't have that.
"Dear Fellow Republican," it begins. "You are one of a carefully selected group of Republican leaders nationwide receiving the enclosed CENSUS DOCUMENT ..." Hmmm. My last political contribution was to Alan Grayson. I worked on the Obama campaign in the general election and for Hillary in the primaries. Carefully selected, John?
"My GOP colleagues in the United States House of Representatives have asked me, as House Republican Leader, to enlist the nation's most knowledgable Republican activists in uniting our Party around a principled conservative agenda ..." Pause for a spit take. Sorry. I'm just not used to seeing the words "principled" and "conservative" side by side like that.
"That's why I want to hear from you -- your SURVEY DOCUMENT was prepared especially for you as a representative of all Republicans in your area." Wow, John. I'm positively pink with pleasure -- no, not pink ... orange with anticipation at the thought of representing all the Republicans in my area. I just hope I can handle the pressure. Let's get to the -- hey, is it a CENSUS DOCUMENT or a SURVEY DOCUMENT?
Whatever.
It's got a bar code on it and it has my name and instructions on how to fill it out. There's even a website I can go to to fill out the census/survey/whatever in case I dork up the paper version: it's www.nrcc.org/2009CENSUS. No fair clicking that link, fellow Kossacks. I'm pretty sure YOU haven't been selected by John Boehner to represent the views of all Republicans in your area, like I have.
Gosh, I hope there are some questions about Michael Steele.
Question #1: "Do you believe the Obama Administration and Nancy Pelosi's soft-on-defense, reckless spending, higher taxes, and expansive Big Government policies are the right leadership for America?" [] Yes [] No [] Undecided."
Hmmm. Big Government ... so big it uses gratuitous capital letters. That must be bad. Why a government like that might start wars for no reason, invade people's privacy, or even torture folks. That would be -- oh, wait.
Next question.
Question #2: "Do you believe our Republican Party should be united around ..." Hey, cool, it's MY Republican Party, too! I am SOOO gonna get to talk about Chairman Steele, I just know it! Next question.
Question #3: "Which of the following issues should Republicans fight hardest for? (Check all that apply)." Let's see, a lot of options here. "Limited government ..." no, that's a big N/A. "Balanced budget ..." not in my lifetime, not from the GOP. Wait, here's the one I want! "Right to life." Someone needs to sit down with that Rick Perry fella straight off and ... oh, not for people already born.
Crap.
Okay, I'm skimming now: there's "...salt marsh harvest mice in Nancy Pelosi's hometown ..." (I'm guessing that's bad) "... illegal aliens ..." (ditto) "... partial-birth abortion ..." (mega-dittoes, and pass the Oxycontin, please, Rush) ... oh, now here's a good one.
Question #16: "Is it important for the GOP to support marriage as a sacred union between one man and one woman?" Wha --? ONE man and ONE woman? Holy cow, John, you do realize I live in Nevada, right? Let me check with my Republican governor, Jim Gibbons, on that, or my Republican senator, John Ensign.
I'll get back to you.
Question #19: "Do you believe it is important to remove Nancy Pelosi as Speaker of the House?" Well, I used to, but I didn't see any way the Senate would convict Dubya and Dick at the same time, so I kind of gave up on that. If she ever retires, I think it'd be pretty cool to get Barney Frank in that job, though.
Question #20: "Will you help unite the GOP ..." Wow, John, with every single Republican House member voting in lockstep against the President, I think you've already got that one covered. Mission Accomplished, as somebody once said.
"To help expand this Census Project to an additional 10,000,000 Republican voters nationwide, enclosed is my generous contribution to the NRCC in the amount of ..."
Oh, wait a goshdarn second there, John! You mean all this time you were just waiting to ask for money? I'll bet you don't even CARE about my opinion as a Republican leader, do you?
Damn. And there's not even a question about Michael Steele.
Well, I guess Michele Bachmann was right about the census: it is just a ploy to advance the cause of totalitarianism in this country.