GUS (Gave Up Smoking) is a community support diary for Kossacks in the midst of quitting smoking. Any supportive comments, suggestions or positive distractions are appreciated. If you are quitting or thinking of quitting,
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"Families are about love overcoming emotional torture." - Matt Groening
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss
No, not THAT F word. The other one: Family.
As this is a holiday week, many of us are facing the prospect of spending time with our families this week. This can be a good thing, or a not-so-good thing.
For many, this will be a joyous (okay, at least an enjoyable) time: see people you love, eat lots of yummy food, watch some cheesy parades and football on TV, nap, eat leftovers...it's all good. For some quitters, you'll be able to tell members of your extended family that you've quit smoking, and if my first post-quit holiday is anything to go by, your family will be happy for you. Well, most of 'em, at least.
For others of us, there may be some stress involved. In fact, holidays are very stressful for many people, more so than we'd like to acknowledge. We have unrealistic expectations about how "perfect" things should be, momentarily forgetting that nobody's perfect (including ourselves). We try to cram too much into too short a time, or do too much for others to make up for lost time, and end up feeling overwhelmed or unappreciated.
And many of us replay old family scripts, sometimes whether we want to or not. Some relatives seem to store up resentments, or decide that family gatherings are just the place to air them. Some of us will find ourselves replaying old grudges, picking up years-old arguments where we left off last year, or feeling the urge to rebel against overbearing family members using the tool (smoking) that we picked up in our youth to do just that.
Don't do it!
I'm serious. We've all spent the occasional unhappy or stressed-out interlude at a family holiday gathering tucked off in some corner or pacing around the backyard, puffing furiously to burn off the frustration, anxiety, anger, what have you. Sometime over the next day or so, it may occur to you that a smoke would be just the thing to make you feel better in the face of whatever craziness your family has dished up. You may even run into a like-minded family member who happens to be a smoker, and would be delighted to lend you one, so they can have company, quit be damned.
Don't do it!
I'm serious. Don't.
It won't help.
It won't change your family. It won't fix the immediate problem. It won't make you feel better; in fact, it'll probably make you feel worse: remorseful, angry at yourself for slipping, unsatisfied.
So don't.
Write a NEW script for yourself.
Accept that your family will make you a little crazy sometimes. Or, if they are truly making you deeply unhappy, perhaps it's time to find different ways to celebrate the holidays? Maybe it's time you hosted a gathering for others in the same boat? Or helped out at a local shelter or church's meal? In past years, I served turkey dinners to a room full of retirees, and had a blast. One year I took a sister - just one - out to dinner. Another year, when I was in full family meltdown mode, I defiantly stayed home with take-out Thai food and watched old movies in my jammies all day.
Whatever you decide, rule number one should be "take care of yourself first." As on planes losing oxygen, if you don't put your mask on first, you won't be able to cope with the crisis...you won't be able to help anyone else. Listen to yourself, figure out what you need to get out of it, and find ways to get that. You may need to do the occasional slow count to ten, or take a few walks around the block, or focus only on those family members who don't seem to be out to make you miserable, and that's fine. That's normal.
You can do it.
You're already past the hard part - you quit smoking!
What's a little family drama thrown into the mix? Piece o' cake. Or pie, if you prefer.
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