As a wise ten-year-old said, "It's not adoption that's a problem, but what everyone thinks of it." We are long past the time when adoption was considered a shameful secret. Although adoption is gaining a wider acceptance, adoptive families still wrestle with misconceptions and negative stereotypes.
Some images throughout the media are just mind-numbingly stupid... Pittsburgh Tribune-Review columnist Mike Seate called Asian children "‘must-have’ fashion accessories for upper middle-class Americans." NBC and Telafora held a Mother’s Day contest and created a category of "Non-mom Moms", then renamed it "Adoptive Mom", still missing the concept that adoptive moms are, you know, just moms... King of Queens sitcom ended their series with the couple adopting, then discovering she was pregnant and were now "stuck" with a baby from China. Even the Social Security Administration has a check box for "Natural or Adoptive Parent".
November is National Adoption Month, created to raise awareness of adoption. Adoptive Families suggests that today we should get to know adoptive families, inviting them over for hot chocolate and cookies or a multicultural buffet. So join me and I’ll provide the hot chocolate and borsht...
There are certainly many positive images of adoption; there are plenty of movies, advertisements, and TV shows that get it right. "Martian Child" was a wonderful depiction of adopting an older child. On Sesame Street, a character adopts a boy from Guatemala and Big Bird explains that "adoption is when a child needs a family and when a family needs a child." The Children’s Place ran an ad with a photo of Caucasian parents and an Asian daughter, captioned, "Line up the family in colorful stripes for a fun look." Wachovia offers 20 days paid leave for an adoption. Yes, adoptive families are being recognized and sensitively portrayed.
But we are not completely there yet... I imagine that one needn’t be an adoptive parent to find the series ending of "King of Queens" to be cringe-worthy. Still, there are still a lot of things that may make an adoptive parent cringe, but would go unnoticed by the average reader, such as the Parade Magazine interview of Nicole Kidman. The article described her as a "new mom" after the birth of her "first child". It may have been the first time she’s given birth, but she’s been a mom for 15 years. An article about Michelle Pfeiffer mentions her son and her "adopted daughter". So when does an adopted child become just a child? Um, maybe never... George Burns’ obituary referred to his "adopted children" and these kids had to be pushing 80!
It seems like such a minor point, but it is a constant message that adopted kids are different. Words matter. I've been asked several times "do you know anything about the 'real' mom?" Well, yeah, quite a bit as it happens, because frankly, I happen to think that I am the real mom. A friend asked me, in front on my daughter, "why did her mother abandon her?" I didn't and I won’t. And while I say such things with good humor, there is one phrase that actually does bother me a great deal: "she is adopted." My daughter is skinny, athletic, energetic, sometimes annoying, and always adorable – but she was adopted. It is not some lifelong condition; it does not define her.
It’s not just the media that pegs adoption as being different, as being lesser than. Government does too. No other parent has to go through so much just for the privilege of raising a child. As we slogged through the paperwork, I occasionally was reduced to tears and often driven to despair – the hurdles seemed never ending. And to a person, friends and family assured me this was absolutely necessary for the safety of the children. Why? What is it about wanting to raise a child that is so suspicious? Why isn’t any other parent subject to scrutiny?
When I asked my friends shouldn’t all parents go through this process if we are worried about the children, there seems to be some consensus on the idea that it simply wouldn’t be necessary for "regular" parents. But if biology equals love, then why would a mother abuse a child; why would fathers abandon their kids after a divorce; why would parents turn their backs on kids who chose the wrong career or loved the wrong person? Biology is no guarantee of good parenting.
I’m not advocating for government intervention, I’m just pointing out that only adoption is considered to be such an alien form of parenting that the government gets to grant approval. Children of teen mothers, statistically speaking, do not fair as well as those born to older mothers, but teenagers do not have to submit three references and bank statements before being allowed to bring their baby home. A man who wants to marry a woman with children does not need a criminal background check before the state will issue a marriage license. A couple who contracts for a surrogate does not need three home studies and the appropriate number of closets before signing the contract. We needed to do all of that. (okay, that closet thing was a requirement of Russia, I have no idea why nor do I know what was considered the appropriate amount of closets. Apparently our two bedrooms and five closets met their guidelines.)
Maybe the stigma of adoption is because people consider it to be a family of last resort. That may be true for some, but certainly not for all. I did have a couple of miscarriages and there were many medical options presented to me but I rejected all of it because I realized that the pregnancy wasn’t important to me – a child was. I know a few single women that did not want to wait for marriage before becoming a mother. Gay and lesbian couples chose to adopt. For a lot of us, adoption is the first choice.
And let’s be honest here. There are an awful lot of unplanned pregnancies – but I know of no accidental adoptions. No one gets totally wasted one night and ends up filling out a questionnaire on parenting philosophy, then getting three home studies by a licensed social worker, fingerprinted, a criminal background check, three testimonials on one’s character, a doctor’s exam to insure you’ll survive long enough to raise the child, a letter from one’s boss attesting you are employed and will remain so for the foreseeable future, a credit check attesting to the fact you aren’t in considerable debt, and providing an emergency plan for who will raise your child in case the doctor’s statement was wrong – and get it all done in triplicate, notarized and apostilled.
So if I can believe that an "oops" baby can be totally loved and adored by his family, can everyone believe that an adopted child can equally be loved and adored? Thanks.
It took us about two years to adopt the first time, so our friends as family had plenty of time to get used to the idea and they were totally accepting, maybe even edging toward excited. But a funny thing happened on the way to parenthood. I found that people were on-board with the idea we could love our child, but were still under some misconceptions about the actual children. My dentist stopped my cleaning to tell me that kids from Romania are terribly damaged and we shouldn’t go there. My father-in-law sent me an article highlighting all the terrible orphanages in Russia. A co-worker kept me updated on all the Leeza Gibbons shows on reunited families – those "real" moms who "gave up" their kids many years ago – and Maury shows on "real" moms who took their babies back. I was beginning to suspect that everyone was waiting for a little baby freak out...
Despite all the dire warnings, we adopted from Russia. Twice. We happen to feel it worked out spectacularly well. I have no way of comparing experiences - I can’t say that adoption is exactly the same as having a biological child, but I can’t imagine how I could feel more than I do right now. I do know that there are millions of orphans around the world who need a family. I hope that there are families who will take the "risk" of opening their hearts to a child who needs a family. It's really worth it. And by the way, I totally agree with Dave Thomas, founder of Wendly's and an adoptee:
"People ask me. ‘What about gay adoptions? Interracial? Single Parent?’ I say. ‘Hey fine, as long as it works for the child and the family is responsible.’ My big stand is this: Every child deserves a home and love. Period."
You know, my kids are just my kids, I’m just a mom. No prefix necessary.
Tell me, really... How can you resiste these faces?