After reacting to the Maine 1 vote with rage and sorrow, I've composed myself and predictably entered the gallows humor stage.
Those of you who still feel as enraged as I did on election night may be offended by this response and might possibly want to consider coming back at a later time.
Herewith my meager offerings. Do feel free to add your own contributions.
I know it's hard to think this way right now, but I just wonder if members of the LGBT community in Maine have considered some of the possible, well, positives to put it baldly, of losing the right to get married.
- Maybe getting married would have been a terrible mistake.
I met and married the love of my life in six weeks, spent the next ten years discovering the full extent of my error, another eight years oscillating between rage, horror, forlorn hope and lethargy, and then every minute since wondering whether I did the right thing and what I might have done differently. The therapy costs alone have been staggering.
The voters of Maine have spared you all that. You should be celebrating.
- Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice . . .
Not in the State of Maine they won't. Not only won't you get married the first time, Maine is happy to be there for you if, despite your better judgement, sense of self-preservation, hard experience, reason, and sound principles of fiscal management, you are foolhardy enough consider tying the knot a second time.
I am convinced that a future ex-Mrs. Polk is waiting for me out there somewhere. You drink, you dance, you slip up and then you're wondering what the hell hit you. Buddy it sure would be nice to have big brother on your side for a change. And now he is for you, in Maine.
- You have a bulletproof excuse for ditching an objectively promising relationship that is nevertheless unsatisfactory to you in some way.
The woman who became my first girlfriend and I were out on our first date. Half-way through the entree she checks her watch and says "Look, it's been 58 minutes already. I need to know where this relationship is going." That's how she got to be my girlfriend. What did I know? I thought maybe that was how these things are done.
But you, you have a bulletproof excuse. You say that you aren't going to get married and, voila, you aren't a selfish bastard, you are a law-abiding citizen.
It's like "my mom won't let me" but for adults. I'd kill for that kind of out.
- Have you checked out the cost of weddings these days?
My god think of all the money you just saved.
- At least somebody is thinking about you.
Nobody wants to know if I'm having sex. I'm doing pretty good if the person I'm screwing wants to know. And they sure as hell don't care who I marry.
You fuck somebody and it's the main event. Everybody wants to know about it. Large groups of people run around holding rallies and circulating petitions. You want to get married and states hold elections over it. Members of the United States Congress introduce legislation.
That's not discrimination, that's power.
- Want more proof that you have power? Consider this.
A lot of people think that George W. Bush and "Attaboy" Brownie mis-handled the Hurricane Katrina situation.
I blame Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco. When the levee broke and all that water started pouring in, she phoned the White House to say that New Orleans was underwater and pleaded for help. As we all know, those pleas went unheeded, it took what seemed like weeks for help to arrive, and things went from bad to worse.
I think she handled it wrong. What if, instead, she had said "New Orleans is drowning and the city council is planning to legalize gay marriage."
I'd like to think we would have seen a more robust response.
- Ok, what about health insurance? If you were married your partner could go on your health insurance plan.
Have you actually looked at your health insurance policy lately? Mine is so bad that if I tried to add my partner to it she'd file a restraining order. And hers isn't much better.
Health care reform may help, may not. I heard one blue dog congressman was trying to insert an amendment that would require every health insurance policy issued in the United States to have a "void if used" clause. Said something about maintaining the financial viability of the industry.
- When one of you goes into the hospital and it bankrupts you, at least somebody in your household will still have money and a place to live.
People actually do this, they stay single and transfer assets to whichever partner is still healthy. I've even heard that some older married people actually get divorced so that, they, um, can uh . . .
Oh. My. God. Defending marriage . . .
The missing bi-partisan common ground on health care reform. We found it.
Somebody get Jane Hamsher on the phone. We've got another constituency for her.
I'm sure there are other benefits. Please feel free to add your own.