Pt. 1 Virginia Couple Crashes Rahm Emanuel Nephew's Bris. Sat. Dec. 12
Pt. 3 Howard Dean Plays "Hide the Salahi." Mon. Dec. 21
In the criminal justice system the people are served by two separate but equally important groups. The Salahi-Golightlies who seem carefree and funloving (yet may harbor a slightly darker past and are always “going places" frequently uninvited). And the Victoria’s Secret Service agents so busy oogling Heidi Klum they just don’t notice. These are their true stories I made up–although the actual events mentioned certainly may be just as creative.
Sure those social Salahis have had kind of a rough week. I know you're concerned, but people are amazingly resilient. I predict they'll be back off the A-List again in no time. And far from being a danger to the Prez as a potential Islamic terrorist, it now turns out that Tareq is for "Peace-in-the-East" and supporter of the "two state solution." Which is good, because if things keep up like this, they'll be moving to West Virginia.
So, have you had your Salahi today? Feeling a little empty, listless, but you don't know why? Something missing in your life? Is that what's got you down Bunky? Well, if you're anything like me, maybe you've got a touch of the PTSD (Post Tareq Salahi Disorder)? Well good news. Yes there was that little setback at the WH and sure they're trying to keep it quiet. You certainly won't be hearing any of my news anywhere in the MSM.
Trying to rebuild their lives and resume posing again like the Americans they are, the dynamic duo, who turned the Indian Prime Minister into a currified footnote at his own White House dinner, have apparently taken the art of salahing forth in a whole new and, some would say, more spiritual direction. If your life is an open bar, why not raise it some more?
One of our sources who asked not to be identified as Joe Biden swears this all went down Thursday, the day after the Homeland Security Committee voted to dash off those oh so de rigueur, let's just call them "Save the Date" invites -- just in time for Chanukah. Right: Tareq and Michaele Salahi enjoy a nosh and kibbitz with VP Joe Biden Thursday evening at the Baruch Obamanuel McChhhain-Feingold power bris. The Northern Virgina vintners brought the wine. Always looking for new adventure, our Northern Virginia vintner of Palestinian-Israeli descent inspired his wife, surely now one of America's most recognizable Holly Golightly hot shiksas, to crash the bris (Jewish circumcision ritual) of eight-day-old Baruch Obamanuel McChhhain-Feingold, nephew of White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. Hey, I just showed you the picture.
So, as they say on ET or The Insider or Access Hollywood or Walter Scott’s Personality Parade (your 4 basic empty calorie food groups): we “caught up” with Tareq and Michaele and asked the one question that's on everybody's mind. "Crash a White House; crash a bris; whatever happened to just dinner and a show?"
You’ll have to wait for the full Vanity Fair interview; but the couple did suggest that, like all things Salahi, "This isn't what it seems."
With a liberal helping of air quotes, Tareq Salahi explained that (air")technically("air) they hadn’t (air")crashed(”air) the "power bris." The couple say that, following last week's smokin' success at the WH, they became (air")acquainted("air) with a friend of a cousin of a friend of Emanuel’s through the online dating service and polling organization vee_gaits_crasher.com. Trust me, this is too cumbersome to explain; find a Yiddish speaker.
Editor's note: actually according to Tip O'Neill, that "Yiddish Speaker" could have been Barney Frank, if he hadn't come out. Also, from now on all air quotes will simply be implied.
That encounter was soon leveraged into the Salahi Winery’s own social networking site cuvee_gaits_crashers.com, where they met the actual cousin of the friend of Emanuel. Ultimately they bumped into Emanuel himself, "totally by accident," while crashing a Dale Carnegie class the former Illinois legislator frequents every other afternoon -- at the urging of 540 members of the House and Senate, a neighborhood watch group, and (oddly) Sean Penn. (attribution needed).
During that KarnegieKlass, Emanuel is said to have befriended the couple and specifically requested their attendance at Thursday’s bris. The President’s Chief of Staff had become squeamish about participating in any kind of a circumcision ceremony alone since severing the tip of his middle finger in a celebrated Arby’s food service industry workers comp incident as a teenager in high school. (Check it out, 4th paragraph.)
Editor’s Note: Unfortunate as the mishap may have been, one of Emanuel’s brothers, a Hollywood agent, claims that “since necessity is the MF of invention, the impairment of that particular digit did force Rahm to concentrate on his oral and verbal rather than manual communications skills.
Right: Always the overachiever, Emanuel illustrates for House of Representatives mohel Shmuel “Whitefishballs” Miller the approximate amount of foreskin it might be necessary to lop off his eight-day old nephew. There having been a minyan, in a cutting measure this amendment was immediately reduced substantially Monday evening by a vote of the full committee. At the urging of an accompanying Bravo TV Network film crew, Tareq Salahi insisted on personally doing the honors, which were taped for the pilot episode of “Real Mitzvahs of DC."
Initially, there had been a moment of confusion when the Salahis showed up at the front door and somebody announced there was apparently a couple mentioning something about having been invited to “Christen” the new baby with one of those trendy new names like “Trig” or “Tareq.” But with the pair seemingly dressed as some sort of royalty, it was later assumed they had been saying something more like “trick or treat.”
Here again stories conflict. As with the earlier WH incursion, the couple's public relations consultant, Mahogany Jones (her real name), had originally insisted vehemently they obtained their brispasses through a contact at the Pentagon. Although after a number of exposures, it was snarkily whispered she may have meant Pentagram.
But learning of the serious breach of Hebraic protocol, another member of the Jones Enabler/Disabler Squad -- Michele S. Jones, special assistant to Defense Secretary Robert Gates-whom the Salahis hounded (or as Michaele now likes to say "nudged" ) for state dinner invitations observed it was "bad enough the couple were always cutting in line."
LEFT: Pentagon spokeswoman Michele S. Jones. Seen here apparently correcting WH Chief of Staff Emanuel on some minor point Sunday evening). RIGHT: Salahi spokeswoman Mahogany Jones.
In response, quoting British recording artist Tom Jones, Mahogany Jones suggested that type of thing “is not unusual; it happens every day.” Adding that, as the traditional ceremonial anesthetic for the brisee, the Salahis generously provided the sacramental wine from their family’s Northern Virginia Vineyard, “Chez Monmi, Chez Monu.”
For her part, Mahogany Jones insisted the Salahis had followed all of the proper procedures for both the bris and obtaining a seat at the earlier White House gala.
"They dressed to the nines (not "to kill,") arrived early, Michaele left a personal object at one of the place settings and Tareq made it official by tilting both of their chairs against one of the circular tables. They covered all the bases. And even if they didn’t,” she added, “what says ‘Chanukah’ Bris’ more than welcoming a fashionably dressed couple who may no longer be welcome at somebody else's house?
The Pentagon Jones begged to differ, sayin that it wasn't so much a matter of security as diplomatic protocol. Both the State and Defense Departments have been extremly careful about whom they admit to state dinners ever since that incident in Japan, where another gregarious couple -- the Sashimis -- talked their way into one. It upset then President George H. W. Bush so much, he threw up all over the Prime Minister. Ms. Jones further stressed, "and that one wasn't just vegetables."
BAD LIE IN (at) THE WOODS(') ; TIGER BREAKS SILENCE
Was yours the Titleist? Certainly if India is all about anything, it's tigers. But can what we are about to relate actually be true? After the breached bris shocker broke Friday morning, ESPN tied that incident into a Windermere, FL woman's apparent plan to orchestrate something of a surprise bris "taken to the next level” for her golf playing husband -- referring to the man’s putter as a “Bobbit.” This caused the husband to flee in panic, racing their Escalade SUV down the driveway and into a fire hydrant and tree, before coming to rest in a neighbor’s hedge.
Police would not identify the driver, only saying he was a 34 year-old white, African American, Asian, Native American gentleman who cleared the hydrant hazard the first time down the driveway. After plowing into the tree and hedge, the man reportedly asked to take “a Mulligan,” then requested the same on the breathalyzer.
ESPN reported that, trying to keep the incident out of the papers, the man chose not to file an insurance claim. Instead he had attempted to cover the $3,200 in damage to the hydrant, tree and hedge, out of a hedge fund in which he had invested with golfing buddy Bernie Madoff. The men had been introduced by a Northern Virginia polo playing couple who had asked to play through during a crucial putt on the 17th green at the Masters.
Between the Virginia couple and the Florida duffer, the average half-hour newscast was using the word "crash" more frequently than anything but a NASCAR race or weekend out with Robert Downey, Jr.
The Bravo Network is said to be seriously considering the woman's "Ultimate Bris" concept for a new extreme sports reality type series. They have already signed a "back end" deal with the Klezmer band contracted by the man’s wife to perform Marvin Hamlisch's “Oy of the Tiger.”
Still groggy as he was driven home from the hospital by a designated cocktail waitress, the man was heard to say that he knew exactly what he had to do in order to turn his life around. For the foreseeable future, he needed to play more golf and give up women.
SALAHING FORTH Parts 2 and 3
You’ll be pleased to learn that Michaele and Tareq have heeded the kind of public attention they never expected and are now enrolled in a 12-step program – UA (Ubiquitous Anonymous). Where the group is supporting them in the idea that some people actually want to show up places “un-noticed.” Except, with the Salahis being "important," for them it’s only an 11-step program.
It’s apparently working, as you can see in our coverage of the House Homeland Security Committee Hearings:
SALAHING FORTH (Part 2): Salahi-Golightlies to Take the Fifth – Outraged Maison des Representants Demand Litre.
and
SALAHING FORTH (Part 3): Howard Dean Plays “Hide the Salahi” – Not on My Watch.– even when they don’t show up, they somehow have a way of making their presence felt.
The Story of Chanukah and We’re Sticking to It.
As we like to say here in Texas, Mazeltov podner. Depending upon when you open this, it’s either the first, second or third day of Chanukah or the second, third or fourth night. Take three, they’re small. Like other Jewish holidays, what you choose to do with the remaining five nights of Chanukah is completely up to your wife. Or if you're not Jewish, maybe it's, like, just Monday?
We Hebrews celebrate a lot of our holidays the night before, when it’s a little cooler in the desert. Which, more and more of our ancestors frequently found themselves schlepping through just to get anywhere. Really one of the first green revolutions – walking. Forty years just getting out of Egypt, at the time ruled by one of the least known pharaohs – Prius. Our people have always sacrificed so much for Ema Nature. This will be shorter, but maybe not by much.
Chanukah or as it’s know by Jews around the world “Prequel to Christmas – Have an Egg Nosh” – is where we celebrate the miracle of the rededication of the ancient Jewish temple, which we took back from, I don’t know, somebody – there were so many you lose track. Finally got smart and drew up a lease. Before we repossesd the temple, our people had to sneak around and worship in clandestine locations. This is where we get the term Secret Service. You'll have to remember that in the age before televangelism, the Bible was pretty much on a need to know basis.
In case you have any doubt what the miracle was, here’s a hint, it wasn’t anything big like parting an ocean or a Streisand concert. It’s more in keeping with what our people have come to know over centuries and centuries as “these difficult economic times.” Although as usual, on the first night, Goldman, Sachs, or possibly both will be whooping it up like there’s only 7 more tomorrows.
The eternal flame in the temple, practically by definition, was supposed to never go out – much like the rest of us in this current economy. Except maybe for a pack of cigarettes or to make sure you left the stove on for Shabbas. This is apparently what our people were “chosen” for. A brand of obsessive compulsivity all our own.
You can find my more detailed explanations of Jewish holidays in a couple of earlier diaries: JEWSY FRUIT: The Lulav, the Etrog and Me – A. Buck Short Explains the Upcoming Holidays and/or ROSH TO JUDGMENT: Ben Stein explains the Bush Rosh Hashana Faux Pas. Or go to my diary page and scroll down to them. If there is one quasi-athletic skill our people should be good at, it's scrolling. Then pass this scrupulously rersearched information on to gentiles around your neighborhood as a swell holiday season interfaith exercise.
The miracle of Chanukah we celebrate this week is that in lighting the sacred lamp (menorah) the ancient Hebrews only had enough oil left to last one day, but they made it last eight. This is the miracle that Jews all over the world recognize and celebrate when we say, “Hey, I once had a landlord like that in Pittsburgh.” And please remember, this was before the CFL (Couldn’t Find a Lightbulb).
The real miracle is why they couldn’t figure out the oil would last eight nights; because if you put on your glasses and look really closely at any menorah you’ll notice that it already has places for eight candles – plus Shammus the caddy. As we now say on Chanukah, "You do the Maccabee.”
We celebrate Chanukah in the same way our forefathers did – by deluding ourselves into believing spinning a top eight days straight for chocolate money (or as the ancients used to call it “Schtimulus Funds" ) is a rollicking good time.
Oh, and the last miracle is how our Chanukah can still hold a candle to Christmas. "Sure, once again, I'll take the 8 little chachkis instead of that one fairly pricey Brookstone's towel warmer I've been hinting about. But it still may not be worth converting.
Disclaimer
There are just two things I hope you can accept.
1. I never met a (E)man(uel) I didn't like. Honest.
2. Please don’t think this is intended as racist. Like a lot of things racist, it may be but it’s not intended. No favoritism was shown in the selection of subjects.
3. Except for an occasional Tiger Woods fabrication. No place else to put that -- although you may have a suggestion.
4. Hard to believe, but this is intended as humor (See Pauley Shore/Dane Cook), and mostly about the Salahis, at least one of whom, when I last checked, looks about as physically and socially white as a person could be without albinism. Even they seem to be victims of those turning very little into a shot at the administration or tabloidification of everything else. We really do hope they too can get over it. Take if from someone who's been there, there is nothing worse than thinking you've just grabbed the brass ring, only to discover you've jammed it on the most inappropriate finger.
5. As my editors, the Three Stooges, have reminded, there’s a lot of Salahi Silliness still going around, and they came on so unexpectedly, it may take months for the government to produce enough vaccine. I say the elderly and infirm go first.
6. At least some of the behavior and motives have been "qualified" a little by now. Even our state dinner's guest of honor is probably saying "Don't have a cow."
7. Pull up my Kos diary page. I've been poking fun at Republicans virtually without interruption for 40 years. They were the only ones around. This hardly evens things up.
8. It's Chanukah, use the tip jar. We need the stake. Just remember, you don't talk about Dreidel Club.
OMG! It's another Chanukah miracle. We had enough excuses for one ass cover, and made it last eight. Hallelujah!
Roger Burke was the film commissioner for Dallas/Fort Worth Texas, centrally located between Lubbock and Lufkin with ample free parking . Currently shows up for occasional work at a Native American-owned film production company, using his JewIndian name Pa-ho-ka-ta-witz (roughly translated meteor that lands in seltzer); yet incongruously also indulges the alternate persona of A. Buck Short, last of the Jewish cowboy poets. He is deeply sorry for having subjected you to mishegas like this, yet relieved there's still over half a year to atone.
Photo Credits (Top to bottom, left to right): Emanuel with Tareq & Michaele/ M. Salahi/Facebook; A. Buck Short/ RE Burke; House committee hearing (doctored)/ Chip Somodevilla, Getty Images; Dean, salamis/ farmgolf.com/TheParisReport/20051108.htm; Salahis with Biden/AP; Emanuel fish story/ State of the Division (blog) /
http://tinyurl.com/... ; Michele Jones/ AP/Ron Edmonds/file; “Mahogany” puppet/
http://commons.wikimedia.org/...
Sumatran tiger/ with permission photos8.com; T-shirt/zazzle.com/shopstew; City sign/
http://monstermoviemusic.blogspot.com/....