I am ready to admit now that I fucked up.
I’ve been trying for months to lay this at the feet of President Obama – the man who got the money I didn’t have, the support I initially wanted to throw elsewhere, the passion I thought was reserved only for things non-political.
But this is on me now.
I could write eternally about my deep, profound, physically-painful disappointment in the President’s offer of a long, slow political blowjob to Joe Lieberman...about the Bush-like Afghanistan surge...about the DOJ’s insulting DOMA briefs...about the financial bailouts that ended up serving only the rich...about the actions and the non-actions and the shuffling of campaign priorities.
But I can’t blame Obama. I was the one who gave him the blank check to do what he’s done. And not done. I did that.
Well, I and 69 million others. But I don’t much care about them – you – right now. I care mostly about my own caught-up-in-the-speeches idealism...my own certainty that change and hope and progress were real, live political opportunities...my own excitement about a black President and a new way forward and an abrupt, harsh end to an unreal national reality.
Lobbyists would be put in their place. Soldiers would be home. Bankers and investment brokers would be regulated. Gays would be serving in the military. Homes would be saved. Hope would abound. Our nightmare would be over.
That’s what I thought. That’s what I paid for. That’s why I campaigned for the first time in my life.
Of all the things I didn’t expect from the man I helped win...was politics. Stupid, huh? I didn’t expect politics from a politician. I didn’t expect backroom deals and spin and business as usual. I didn’t expect any bill to be an okay bill. I didn’t expect the ego that commands, "I have to declare victory," even if victory has not been had. I didn’t expect insincere attempts at bipartisanship or a game-playing Chief of Staff or deals that are struck in the dark.
I expected hope, and the audacity thereof. I expected stern, bold, unapologetic leadership. I expected Barack Obama to be the first President to say, "Fuck you" – on purpose, and on camera.
So, yeah, I expected too much. My idealism trumped what was readily available.
I feel dumb. I feel duped. I feel as though our country’s last chance at honest change is fading in our collective rearview mirror.
I feel like I can’t take trust into the voting booth again.
So this is on me. I take responsibility. I fucked up.