Unlike the so-called healthcare bill which doesn't begin to destroy the Glorious America That We All Knew and Loved until 2014, we needn't wait a single day to begin our alliance with the teabaggers. For those of you who haven't been following things, the Left is now aligned with teabaggers, because this is the best way to pursue sweeping change!
I’m not afraid to join cause with the libertarians if they’re right about something, as I wrote the other day — new and interesting alliances are the lifeblood of change.
That's a great point. Our new alliance with teabaggers will be the lifeblood of change. When we kill this bill, the change will be like a tidal wave sweeping away the status quo and providing healthcare for everyone through the sheer will of our blogging.
It's obvious that we needed this alliance. Teabaggers tend to be driven by logic, reasoning, and a RELENTLESS search for the truth (some even went to Kenya looking for the truth and to protect the constitution!) But how do we start the alliance? There doesn't seem to be much contact between our side and theirs (other than the Huffington Post comment section, where teabaggers and liberals congregate together), so I decided I would take it upon myself to make first contact with a local teabagger leader who shall remain anonymous (depending on whether I press charges).
Let me start off by saying that I could use some more instructions on how to forge this alliance, as Day One of the alliance has proven difficult for me. I had some problems setting up a meeting with the local teabagger group. They just wouldn't listen to me, and kept calling me a fascist over the phone. One suggestion: invite teabaggers to meet you at the DC zoo. They seem have a single-minded obsession with monkeys that is hard to understand, and they are very agitated about monkeys in DC (they also have tons of signs featuring monkeys that they like to use in protests). I don't get it, but I figure they must just love animals and nature. They're great people!
Upon meeting the teabagger, I found it hard to communicate with him. He had a thick southern accent and he screamed and made piercing noises while talking. His face turned crimson red without warning. When I mentioned that I disliked the anti-abortion provisions in the healthcare bill, the teabagger screamed something that sounded like a racial slur, but couldn't have been one, because our new allies are great principled libertarians, not mentally ill racists. I figured that I must not be able to understand his accent. Has anyone else had this communication problem? I know the teabaggers are reasonable people who are very intelligent, so I can't believe that they're unable to form sentences or speak without breathing loudly, like primitive early humans. That would be disastrous for our alliance if we were dealing with inbred mountain folk who have not yet discovered toilet paper.
I changed the subject from abortion (a touchy subject for old white men apparently) and tried to find some common ground to start the conversation with the teabagger. He told me about the Terrorists War on Us, so I told him about Rahm's War on Us. He told me about Obama's missing birth certificate, and I told him that I might be open to this conspiracy theory in about 2 months when the healthcare bill passes and I devolve into the 2010 equivalent of a bitter PUMA nutcase. So we found some common ground there.
Unfortunately, my meeting today was cut short when the teabagger bit me. He did not break the skin with its teeth, but should I still get a rabies shot? After biting me, the teabagger ran away, but I have this video of him:
Have you seen this man? He bit me, and I'm kind of pissed. I can't afford health insurance. If only there were some subsidies that could help me get insurance and treat this bite!