Greetings Kossacks.
In case you were too busy enjoying the holidays--and the generosity, joyfulness, and good cheer that come along with them--we have a special announcement for you. An announcement whose urgency is clear and whose Christmas credibility is undeniable.
The White House has declared war: both on Christmas and on the American taxpayer.
Our message to you, filled with fairness and certainly not lacking balance, is below. As we enter the new year, we intend to fight this war and win it--even if it means employing torture. And that torture can be found below.
Given the exponential rise of the Internet (a tool which we recall was invented by the God of you Kossacks, Al Gore--Ha!), our network has increasingly concentrated on educating the American public through our website at foxnews.com.
On this glorious Christmas, we know full well that you Kossacks would never visit our site on your own. We know that you are in that minority group of so-called "thinking" Americans--who, by the way, ought to be no more "privileged" than every other American who must work to escape the influence of Fox News on their own merit. So we have decided to bring the news to you ourselves. Our gift.
And that gift is the actual, real news, not that nuanced tripe that's full of thoughts that you might find here on the blogosphere. It's a news that drips of fairness and that no Kossack boycott could ever throw off balance. See for yourself.
On this Christmas, as you can see, Rahm Emmanuel is a far bigger story than even the Pope himself. But the war on the American taxpayer by Rahm Emmanuel and his ilk is not the only war this White House has declared.
Curiously, on your Kossack "Recommended List", we see a diary entitled Ornaments. Admittedly, when our staff came first came across this title, we howled with delight. Could it be that Kossacks, of all people, finally grasped some of the real news of our day? The news that demands your attention and mine, our coverage of which carries a stature that will stand through time: The War of this White House on Christmas?
No. Instead of being relevant, that diary turned out to be a a creative exposition of "art" that totally missed the "Ornaments" that are actually significant to millions of Americans right now.
This picture, as we have reported, is proof in and of itself. This White House outsourced its counter-Christmas operations to an outside contractor who uses the alias "Designer Simon Doonan". Both the White House and the designer, now clearly on the defense against our offensive coverage, have used the excuse of "diversity" (a devious distraction) to cover up their deadly salvo on our cherished holiday--and our democracy as well.
We must mention something else. As millions of god-fearing Americans attend Christmas mass, the Obamas will have high-tailed it to the godless island of Oahu, Hawaii. They refuse to attend Christmas mass this morning--an omission that is an outright attack on all of us.
They worship not Christ, but Chairman Mao.
Kossacks: As we enter the new year, we here at FOX wanted to remind you that we intend to keep fighting. Over many things, anything. But just remember: If you can't beat us, join us. Join Grover. And love America.
Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year from your Friends at Fox!