From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Everything I Need to Know About Life I Learned from Republicans in the Third Quarter of 2009
Like, for instance:
>> The president is a Kenyan racist who hates white people and white culture.
>> The first Hispanic American to become a Supreme Court Justice is a "reverse-racist."
>> It's okay to call the president a liar as he's saying something true while addressing a joint session of Congress.
>> Making health care more accessible and affordable is a Nazi policy.
>> Death panels led by Barney Frank will convene in the middle of the night to decide if Grandma lives or dies.
>> Government-run healthcare programs are evil...and don’t you dare put the government in charge of my Medicare!
>> The attacks of 9/11 didn’t happen on Bush and Cheney's watch.
>> Norm Coleman's senate seat was stolen by Al Franken and John McCain's presidency was stolen by ACORN.
>> Whoever shouts the loudest and angriest at a town hall meeting is a better American than people who don’t.
>> The biggest environmental threat to the planet is global cooling.
These and many other valuable life lessons were doled out freely by conservatives last summer and, having taken them to heart, I feel like I've earned an honorary Ph.Duh.
As Olbermann said last night: "With the economic crisis, two wars and healthcare reform all looming, I knew we would not want for topics. But never even in my wildest dreams did I think we would hear the cacophony of the crazy which conservatives unleashed in 2009." And it all came to a head in the third quarter---the Summer of the Loon.
Cheers and Jeers looks back at July, August and September in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] Right now! [GONG!!]
By the Numbers: C&J poll results from July through September
Percent of Kossacks who gave Obama an 'A' after his first six months in office: 36% (48% gave him a 'B.')
Percent who supported the Cash for Clunkers program: 83%
Percent who have been pulled over more than once by the cops: 81%
Percent who admit to having eaten paste in school: 27%
Among GOP senators up for reelection in 2010, percent of Kossacks who want to see Senator Jim DeMint of South Carolina defeated the most: 25% (followed by Chuck Grassley of Iowa and Tom Coburn of Oklahoma.)
Percent who believe Joe Biden is doing a "Great job" as Vice President: 26% (44% say he's doing a "good job.")
Percent who support gay marriage: 92%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Mush.
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Cheers and Jeers 2009 Flashback: July
The Minnesota Supreme Court issues its ruling on the Senate race there, finally allowing Al Franken to utter the immortal words with no chance of takesy backsies: "Well, it was close...but we won." Norm Coleman seals the deal by conceding instead of appealing to the U.S. Supreme Court. A massive search begins for Franken arch-rival Bill O'Reilly's head, which pops off his body when he hears the news. The splotchy noggin is finally located in the weeds behind a McDonalds in Boise.
Faces are long and frowny at the sparsely-attended teabag parties across the country on July 4th, thanks to Sarah Palin's sudden and sense-not-making ("only dead fish go with the flow") resignation as governor of Alaska. The headline in the Portland Press Herald proclaims: Republicans Baffled by Palin Resignation. That's in addition to science, fiscal responsibility, minorities, open-mindedness, honesty, conservation, courage, escalators and seriousness.
While conservative Catholics in the U.S. seethe, President Obama has a lovely meeting with the Pope in Vatican City. The two exchange gifts (a book on bioethics for Obama; DVDs of Sister Act and Sister Act 2 for Benedict), and then visit the Vatican cafeteria where they look for Virgin Marys in the grilled cheese sandwiches.
A day after the House of Representatives unveils a healthcare reform bill that includes a strong public option, the Senate Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee (NAMBLA) follows suit with one of their own---including 160 Republican amendments---that makes coverage "undeniable, available and affordable." They celebrate their victory behind closed doors with a game of Pin the Rectal Thermometer on the Donkey. Sadly, no video exists.
After a months-long delay, Warner Bros. finally releases their latest celluloid ATM, Harry Potter and the Cold-Blooded Toxic Asset Peddlers, in which Hogwarts defaults on their subprime mortgage and a recently-unemployed Lord Voldemort applies for a hosting gig at Fox News and is rejected because his resume is "impressive on the evil, but a little light on the crazy."
Walter Cronkite, the personification of objectivity and trustworthiness in TV news, goes to the big anchor desk in the sky at the age of 92. In addition to his titanic journalism bona fides, we envy him for enjoying an active retirement that lasted 28 years. We should all be so lucky.
To commemorate the 40th anniversary of the first moon "landing," the three Apollo 11 astronauts conspire with the Obama administration to stage a visit to the White House. No one suspects that it's all taking place on a sound stage at Foggy Bottom. Well, one guy does, but he's no longer a problem.
The Shuttle Endeavour returns from space, the crew having successfully restocked the International Space Station with fresh beef jerky and porn, unclogged the toilet, and slowly floated around tethered to an air hose. Or as we call it at our house: Tuesday.
John S. Barry, the guy who made the lubricant WD-40 a household name, dies at 84. There was nothing anyone could do---he just slipped away.
The infamous "Coalition of the Willing" in Iraq officially disbands. Their parting words: "It's been unreal. Let's not do this again soon."
President Obama, Harvard Professor "Skip" Gates and Cambridge police Sgt. James Crowley share six beers apiece (five of them in the Oval Office broom closet before they head out to the rose garden picnic table) as they meet to reconcile their differences. A transcript of the conversation:
The President: Nobody understands me! I'm jus' tryin' to get 'em some freaking HEALTH CARE! Shit, man...half 'o my own party is workin' with the Republicans!
Professor Gates: You think you got it rough? I gotta lecture in front of a bunch of half-asleep preppies who sit in my class texting and tweeting and snoring and slurping coffee and stickin' gum under their desks...and then when they fail an exam they're like, "Oh please don’t flunk me, Professor, or my daddy won’t buy me a Beemer!"
Officer Crowley: Ah, whaddya talk! You guys got it easy. Y'know what happens when someone finds a python in their terlet? They send me to pull it out. But a kitten in a tree? For that they send the goddam fire depahtment and they get their picture on the front page 'o the Bahston Globe. But me? I get one column inch in the Bahston Herald's 'News of the Weird' section and end up suckin' down Advil for a month because some fuckin' snake squeezed my ribs into the size of a sahftball!"
Joe Biden: I really, really, really, really, really love being vice president, ladies and gentlemen. Gosh, I really do. Just love it to pieces. You know I got a Jacuzzi in my living room? How sweet is that, ladies and gentlemen?
And peace is restored to the galaxy.
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August
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Orly Taitz, a dentist, correspondence-school lawyer and leader of the "birther" movement, gets her 15 minutes of fame---and a lifetime of shame---when she tries to pass off a crude forgery of a birth certificate belonging to Australian-born David Jeffrey Bomford as a real Kenyan birth certificate belonging to American-born Barack Hussein Obama. C & J's calls to her planet go unanswered.
Rep. Joe Sestak officially throws his admiral's cap in the ring from a Philly VFW hall in a bid to unseat 79-year-old Republican-turned-Democrat-but-always-a-weasel Arlen Specter in the Pennsylvania primary. His bumper sticker slogan: "Universal health care in every household and a torpedo in every garage."
Sarah Palin accuses Democrats of creating bureaucratic "death panels" in the healthcare bill that would crudely decide the fate of the sick, elderly and disabled. She blasts the idea, mainly on the grounds that the government could never improve on the efficiency of the private insurance company death panels so why even try.
Bill Clinton flies to Pyongyang, does a grip 'n grin with North Korea's oddball regime, and returns with the two American journalists who otherwise would've spent a dozen years breaking big rocks into little ones at a labor camp there. In return, Kim Jong Il gets his Netflix account reactivated.
The birther/dittohead/Dobbsian/teabagger/Beck wing of the Republican base is making a sport out of disrupting town hall meetings sponsored by members of Congress who have gone home for the August recess. The rabble-rousers' high-brow message: "We're sore losers and we're mad at the world and this country's going to hell and there are all these colored folks running around telling us what to do and goddammit we want things back the way they wuz and...and...Hitler!!" The congressmembers smile, take notes, and give the tasers strapped to their shins a comforting pat.
On Fox News, Glenn Beck accuses the president of being "a racist" and having "a deep-seated hatred for white people." As soon as he reveals the punchline, we'll let you know what it is.
After promising a healthcare reform bill by August, President Obama moves the date to October. Fears mount when they notice he doesn’t specify which year.
Diabetics across America celebrate as the Senate approves the nomination of one of their own, Sonia Sotomayor, as America's next Associate Justice of the Supreme Court. Hispanics are somewhat jazzed about it, too.
At the trial of William Jefferson, the former congressman who got caught hiding bundles of cash among the flank steaks in his freezer, the verdict is rendered on charges of bribery, extortion, racketeering and being an idiot: Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty Guilty. But the court acquits him of five counts of not re-filling the ice cube trays, a decision that is immediately appealed by his wife.
On the environmental front, the polar ice caps continue melting faster and faster. Experts say they're ready to take a drastic, unprecedented measure to restore the ice levels there: pay Ann Coulter to move to the North Pole and just sit there.
The fourth Netroots Nation blogger convention takes Pittsburgh by storm. In addition to the usual blue-ribbon panel discussions and pep talks from Bill Clinton, Howard Dean and Valerie Jarrett at the super-green David L. Lawrence Convention Center, volunteers with Netroots for the Troops box up 300 care packages in 58 minutes and send them to troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. Oh, and if someone walks up to you in Pittsburgh and says they've got a bridge to sell you, chances are they really do have a bridge to sell you.
Republicans say the public option in any healthcare legislation is dead. Howard Dean swears it's alive and well. Conservative Democrats are already sending lilies to the funeral. But Nancy Pelosi says Not so fast! President Obama is called at 2am and settles the matter with a definitive, "Yes! No! Maybe!"
Category-4 hurricane "Bill in Portland Maine" becomes the most dangerous storm of the 2009 Atlantic hurricane season. But before it can make landfall, the real BiPM uses an oscillating fan to steer it back out to sea. His Presidential Medal of Freedom apparently gets lost in the mail.
The Afghan people bravely head to the polls to vote for a president, choosing between Hamid Karzai, who wants to be their country's corrupt president for five more years, and some other dude who wants to be their corrupt president for five years. Karzai gets 20 percent of the vote and buys the other guy off. It ain't democracy...but it sure is close!
Dick Cheney is hard at work writing his memoirs. The most challenging part is finding enough innocent blood in which to dip his quill.
Congressman Barney Frank demonstrates how to deal with a town hall loon:
Crazy Lady: Why do you continue to support a Nazi [health care] policy, as Obama has expressly supported this policy? Why are you supporting it?
Barney Frank: When you ask me that question, I am going to revert to my ethnic heritage and answer your question with a question: On what planet do you spend most of your time?
Jon Stewart: Apparently a planet where a mixed-race president and a gay Jew qualify as Nazis.
Tom Ridge releases a new tell-all book in which he calls the Homeland Security Department during the Bush years "the intersection of politics, fear, credibility and security." He says he was "pushed" for political reasons to raise the terror threat level on the eve of the 2004 election, and considered it "worth resigning over." Of course, there was a legitimate reason to raise the terror threat level after the election: Bush won.
A CIA Inspector General's report reveals that, in addition to water torture, interrogators used power drills to terrify detainees. They also staged mock executions by firing a gun in the cell next door to make it sound like someone had just been killed. But for the real hardcore cases, they went beyond the bounds of civility by informing detainees that their wife was next door...and pissed off.
Senator Ted Kennedy dies at 77 of brain cancer and is given a sendoff fit for a king. The eulogies, the music, the precision of the military pallbearers, the [cough cough] incense, and even the dramatic flashes of lightning that lit up the horizon at Arlington Cemetery as his family bids farewell are a fitting tribute to the larger-than-life American icon. At the graveside, an excerpt of a letter Ted wrote to the Pope is read aloud: "I want you to know that even though I am ill, I am committed to do everything I can to achieve access to health care for everyone in my country. This has been the political cause of my life." The Senate immediately becomes almost intolerably dull.
The reporter who threw his shoes at George W. Bush last December is released from prison because of good behavior. Specifically, for throwing his shoes at George W. Bush.
The Space Shuttle Discovery lifts off from Cape Canaveral and docks with the International Space Station. Problem is, no one can remember what the hell they're there for.
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September
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Firefighters in California finally start making headway against out-of-control blazes that are ravaging the state. Planes and helicopters are deployed to dump water on the flames. Unfortunately, they have less success when they try the same technique on their out-of-control budget. (But at least it tamps down the stink in the legislature.)
Michael Moore receives thunderous applause when his new movie, Capitalism: A Love Story, premieres in Venice. The movie contains no actual love scenes, but it does show a lot of people getting screwed.
Congress returns from their summer vacation, with half of its members still nursing the bite marks from the August town hall riots. Democrats immediately start pointing fingers at each other over health care, while Republicans draw straws to determine who gets to be the first to say something so crude and outlandish that it causes Keith Olbermann to crank out a Special Comment. That person turns out to be Rep. Joe Wilson of South Carolina, who interrupts the president's healthcare speech to a joint session of Congress by yelling, "YOU LIE!!!" as a way of correcting something the president said that was actually true. Later, history is made when, for the first time, Congress forces a member to hike to the Speaker's office to receive "a good spanking."
Sonia Sotomayor is sworn in as an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court, which apparently involves doing the hokey pokey and turning yourself around. As she starts to take her victory lap, she says, "That's one small step for a wise Latina...one giant leap for humankind. Even John Roberts wipes a tear.
The SEC inspector general releases a new report detailing what went wrong during the sixteen-year span of ineffective probes into the Bernie Madoff empire. It's 477 pages long and consists of the word "everything" repeated over and over.
Teabaggers return to the public square on the day after 9/11. Their "9/12 Project" is funded and organized by groups like Freedomworks, the National Taxpayer's Union, and Tea Party Patriots...all tied up with a frothy bow by Glenn Beck and Fox News. On their agenda: bashing Obama, raising money for Rep. Joe "You Lie" Wilson, and lamenting about how everything sucks because of that damn socialist "Democrat party." By the time it ends, organizers claim that over a million people participated, even though the actual number was closer to 60 thousand. They later admit that they had confused the number of attendees with the number of spelling errors on their signs.
Tom DeLay makes his debut on Dancing with the Stars. But the only way most people are able to watch "The Hammer" is to first drink a lot of "screwdrivers."
At the UN conference, Libya's Muammar Gaddafi elicits applause when he indicates he may finish his speech by Thanksgiving. Meanwhile, all the delegates get in line to give the Nigerian Ambassador wedgies for all the $#!!#@ spam.
The government reports that U.S. household income increased by two-trillion dollars in the second quarter of 2009. Unfortunately it all goes to one household---the Gladys Higginbotham residence in Dubuque. Economists agree: that was one helluva scratch ticket.
Senator James Inhofe organizes a "truth squad" to reveal the facts about global warming at the upcoming climate change summit in Copenhagen. Which is like Orly Taitz organizing a truth squad to reveal the facts about the president's citizenship. Or Mr. Owl organizing a truth squad to reveal the facts about how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. Or Michele Bachmann organizing a truth squad to reveal the facts about...anything.
And on Hardball, Chris Matthews continues his obsession with what he thinks is the correct way to pronounce a certain former vice president's name:
"Hi, I'm Chris Matthews. Tonight we'll be talking about the speech at the Heritage Foundation today by former Vice President Dick Cheney---remember to pronounce it "Cheeney," not "Chaynee" because that's how he wants it pronounced. And then we'll talk with Liz Cheney---pronounced "Chaynee," not "Cheeney"---about her political aspirations. Then we'll talk more politics with Mary Cheney---who pronounces her last name "Chesterfield." And finally, Lynn Cheney---who now goes by a series of clicking sounds followed by an armpit fart---will be along to do her impression of Zell Miller, who now pronounces his name Tab Hunter. Cheeney, Cheney, Chesterfield, and [Click Click Click Frrrrrppp!]...tonight on Hardball!"
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Tomorrow: the thrilling conclusion, directed by James Cameron in 3D!!
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