From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
We Have a Winner! (A whole bunch, in fact)
Oh, let's end 2009 on a happy note, shall we? For all the crap we've endured over the past year---war and recession and swine flu and corporate greed and death panel nonsense and Balloon Boy (can't forget Balloon Boy!) and endless rounds of Whack-A-Teabagger---there were plenty of bright spots. And what better way to get a sense of that than by taking one last look at the people who topped our prestigious C&J "Who Won the Week?" polls.
As you'd expect, President Obama was a multiple winner, taking the prize ten times. Al Franken won three times. Sonia Sotomayor, the Iranian protestors, Jon Stewart, the folks who kept the fresh Bush-era torture revelations in the spotlight, and Rep. Alan Grayson each won twice. Chris Matthews won a week??? Yup. And I'll never forget how much I cried that day in March when Daily Kos itself won for making Bill O'Reilly's media enemies list. Before I get all verklempt at the memory, here's the list of people you deemed worthy of wearing the white hat of liberty, justice, and do-goodism (the missing weeks are ones where I was busy hiking the Appalachian Trail):
Jan. 9 Al Franken, for winning the Minnesota vote recount
Jan 16 Capt. Chesley Sullenberger
Jan 23 The American people
Jan 30 Supporters of the Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act
Feb 6 Sen. Claire McCaskill, for calling Wall Street opportunists "Idiots"
Feb 13 & 20 Obama
Mar 13 Jon Stewart, for his takedown of Jim Cramer and CNBC
Mar 20 Daily Kos, for coming in at #3 on Bill O'Reilly's "Media Enemies List"
Mar 27 Obama
Apr 3 Barack and Michelle Obama, for wowing Europe
Apr 10 The Vermont legislature, for overriding the governor's veto of the gay marriage bill
Apr 17 The captain and crew of the Maersk Alabama, and the Navy SEALs who brought the pirate standoff to an end
Apr 24 News outlets, bloggers, pundits and government officials who helped put the issue of the Bush administration's illegal use of torture back on the front burner
May 1 President Obama, for a successful first 100 days in office
May 8 Maine, for passing a marriage equality bill that was the first in the nation to be green-lighted by the legislature and signed into law by the governor
May 15 Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse, Rep. Joe Sestak, the evening MSNBC hosts, and the non-traditional media for keeping the Bush torture policies into the spotlight
May 22 President Obama, for credit card reform, gas mileage/emissions reform, and his speeches at Notre Dame and the National Archives
May 29 Judge Sonia Sotomayor
June 5 Obama
June 12 Stephen Colbert, for his USO tour in Iraq
June 19 and June 26 The Iranian protestors, for scaring the crap out of the hard-line leaders
July 3 and 10 Al Franken, for being certified as the Junior United States Senator from Minnesota, and then being sworn in by Joe Biden
July 17 Sonia Sotomayor, for taming the Republicans on the Senate Judiciary Committee...and stealing America's heart
July 24 Chris Matthews, for taking on the birthers with words like 'crazies' and 'wackos'
July 31 The House Progressive Caucus, for fighting back against the blue dogs on health care reform. [William Shatner is just 12 votes shy of winning for turning Sarah Palin's tweets into beatnik poetry. We deem this week a tie.]
Aug 7 Laura Ling and Euna Lee, and Bill Clinton and Al Gore for teaming up to get them out of North Korea
Aug 21 Rep. Barney Frank, for dishing it back at the 'Obama = Hitler' loon at his town hall meeting: "On what planet do you spend most of your time?"
Aug 28 The legacy of Ted Kennedy
Sept 4 The AFL-CIO, Nancy Pelosi, and the progressive politicians and netroots for their support of a robust public option
Sept 11 President Obama, for his healthcare speech
Sept 18 Jimmy Carter, for his comments on racism in America
Sept 25 Researchers who developed a vaccine that reduced new HIV infections by 31 percent
Oct 2 Rep. Alan Grayson for summing up Republicans' healthcare plan: "Don’t get sick. If you do get sick...die quickly."
Oct 9 Obama, for winning the Nobel Peace Prize
Oct 16 Rachel Maddow, for verbally gutting 'Americans for Prosperity' president Tim Phillips on her TV show
Oct 23 86 year-old Maine WWII veteran Philip Spooner, who becomes an internet star and the face of the 'No on 1' campaign to preserve the state's same-sex marriage law
Oct 30 President Obama, for signing the hate crimes bill, lifting the HIV travel ban, and saluting fallen troops in the middle of the night at Dover Air Force Base
Nov 6 Reps. Bill Owens (the first Democrat to win in NY's 23rd District in over 130 years) and John Garamendi, who won in CA's 10th District
Nov 13 The Daily Show's research team, for revealing that Sean Hannity and Fox News used old footage to inflate the crowd size at last week's itty bitty tea party
Nov 20 The Senate, for introducing a healthcare bill with a public option and no Stupak-like amendment
Dec 4 Sen. Bernie Sanders, for placing a hold on Ben Bernanke's re-nomination as Fed Chairman
Dec 11 Rep. Alan Grayson, for his simple message to Dick Cheney: 'STFU'
Dec 18 Annise Parker, Houston's newly-elected and openly-gay mayor
Meanwhile, below the fold is the thrilling conclusion of our 2009 Flashback, chronicling the events from October through five minutes from now, when Margaret Thatcher admits to being one of Tiger's mistresses. As we await the rise of the blue moon and the descent of the giant ball in Times Square, all the writers, editors, gaffers, key grips, fuzzy critters and caterers at C&J wish you a festive weekend and a tolerable 2010 stuffed with cash, pie and basic sanitation.
And for the last time this decade, Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] Right now! [GONG!!]
Note: C&J will be off tomorrow in early observance of Easter. We'll return with pop guns blazing on Monday. Happy New Year.
-
By the Numbers: C&J poll results from October through December
One year after the Senate passes an $810 billion bank bailout package, 58% of Kossacks say it was a smart move. 32% percent say it wasn't.
In early October, 70% believe the healthcare reform bill will have some form of a public option. Of those, 45% believe it will be at least "good," 25% say it will be weak, and 21% think it'll be a trigger.
When asked which wing is more likely to win the current power struggle for the soul of the Republican party, 41% say it'll be the crazy teabagger/theocrat wing, while 18% say it'll be the elitist establishment/Corporatist wing.
When asked about Afghanistan, 68% of you say you want to declare victory and pull out, while 15% want some form of surge. After the president announces his plan, 44% believe it makes little or no sense, while 32% say it makes some or a lot of sense.
34% would rather visit a science/natural history museum, 27% an art museum, 12% a zoological park/botanical garden.
On a scale of 1-10, 32% rate Tim Geithner's job performance a 1. Only 16% rate him above a five.
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Found!!!
-
Cheers and Jeers 2009 Flashback: October
Representative (and card-carrying Kossack) Alan Grayson of Florida launches a blistering attack on Republican knuckledraggery over health care, distilling their "plan" into two simple sentences: "Don’t get sick. If you do get sick, die quickly." The Republican leadership responds: "What? Is that a problem?"
P.S. Grayson stops by Daily Kos and gives his virtual autograph to BiPM, who swaps it on eBay for two Gandhis and a Churchill.
Carmaker Saturn goes belly-up. Apparently creating a business model based on treating customers like family, providing good cars with superior service, and eliminating the price-haggling process turned out to be a really dumb idea.
President Obama races to Stockholm with Michelle to plead their case before the International Olympic Committee for holding the 2016 summer games in Chicago. The committee says that would be just peachy...as long as they move the city to Brazil and rename it Rio de Janeiro.
Months after President Obama wakes the EPA from its eight-year slumber and gives it a chance to wipe the pixie dust from its eyes, the agency announces it's taking steps to control emissions from power plants, factories and refineries; denies 79 permit applications for mountaintop-removal coal mining, citing the Clean water Act; and launches a sweeping overhaul of the Toxic Substances Control Act of 1976. But they promise to work even harder on day 2.
Health insurance denier Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield sues me---and everyone else in Maine---because we won't let them guarantee themselves a three percent profit by letting them raise the premiums of 12,000 of their customers by nearly 20 percent. Meanwhile, the company unveils an extended middle finger as their new corporate logo, accompanied by the slogan: "Guess What, Beeyotch? We're the Only Game in Town So Suck On This!" It looks great on bus signs!
With Barack Obama as president, the world instantaneously changes it's opinion of the United States, moving us up from seventh-most-admired nation to first. Sadly the grand prize is only a five dollar coupon to Arby's.
Barack Obama becomes the first sitting United States President since Woodrow Wilson to win the Nobel Peace Prize. He slips out of the Situation Room for a few minutes between Iraq war and Afghanistan war strategy sessions to thank the committee.
President Obama delivers a speech at the Human Rights Campaign's annual gathering. Meanwhile, using the teabaggers' own crowd-measurement standards, over 20 million people turn out for the big gay March for Equality in D.C. The signs are spelled correctly; there are no Hitler references or calls to overthrow the government; the list of grievances and demands is clear, specific and reasonable; the march is fueled by love of country instead of sour grapes over losing an election; and there's no cable news network organizing and physically stage-managing the event. The traditional media deems it totally boring and gives it ten seconds of coverage.
NASA "bombs" a moon crater in search of water. Dick Cheney issues a brief statement, saying: "I'm outraged that the pristine lunar surface would be exploited like that. If you're going to blow stuff up, do it for oil."
The Senate Finance Committee finally passes a healthcare bill. Republican Kent Conrad eats it and they have to start all over.
Rush Limbaugh loses his bid to become part owner of the St. Louis Rams when the NFL committee hearing him plead his case dies laughing.
When folks in New Orleans hear the president is coming to visit, they immediately start packing their bags and fleeing the city for their lives. When they're reminded that the president is no longer George W. Bush, they walk back home and feel kinda silly for awhile.
For the first time in over a year, the Dow reaches 10,000 again. "Thank God Wall Street is back," say all the people down at the unemployment office.
Massive confusion engulfs the planet and several outlying star systems when a silver flying saucer thingee resembling a Jiffy Pop bag takes off from some guy's back yard in Colorado, ascends to 15,000 feet, achieves speeds of 30 miles per hour, and may or may not contain a 6-year-old kid. (It doesn't.) The broadcast media happily spend half a billion dollars on their round-the-clock coverage, then fire a bunch of employees the next day because, doggone it, their ad revenue just isn’t payin' the bills.
Astronomers discover 32 more planets. Sarah Palin says she can see them all from her house.
Former president George W. Bush, bored with picking up Barney poop in front of his new Dallas digs day after day, finds gainful employment dispensing feel-good advice as a traveling minstrel motivational speaker. The person who feels the goodest from his road trip: Laura.
Republicans say the prospects of having a public option (or, as the teabagger protest signs say, "Pubic Option") are all but dead because, with only 61% approval for it in the latest CNN/Opinion research poll, and only 57% approval for it in the latest Kaiser Family Foundation poll, and only 57% approval for it in the latest ABC News/Washington Post poll, and only 62% approval for it in the latest CBS News poll, clearly the public is totally sour on the idea.
President Obama fulfills a campaign pledge to the GLBT community when he signs the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr., Hate Crimes Bill into law. The right-wing fundamentalist preachers, following the example set by Jesus, release statements and hold press conferences to say how much they hate it.
-
November
-
Maine's reputation as a "live and let live" state takes a hit when the gay marriage law approved by the legislature and signed by the governor in May is killed and buried by 53 percent of voters in a veto referendum. Meanwhile voters in Washington state grant same-sex couples all the benefits of marriage under the name "civil unions," voters in Kalamazoo uphold a basic GLBT civil rights ordinance, and Steve Kornell becomes the first openly-gay person to be elected to the St. Petersburg City Council. Three outta four ain't bad.
Republicans unveil another "health care reform plan" via catapult from their camp in the wilderness. It goes beyond their previous plan ("Don’t get sick") by guaranteeing every American a free tube of heel-softening cream. Democrat Evan Bayh says, "I likey!"
Bill Owens becomes the first Democrat elected as representative for New York's 23rd District since Ulysses Grant was smokin' 50 stogies a day. Erick Erickson at the conservative RedState blog writes:
The race has now been called for Democrat Bill Owens.
This is a huge win for conservatives.
And also excellent news for John McCain.
President Obama declares a national emergency in response to the growing threat of the H1N1 virus. Republican leaders hold a press conference during which they announce their opposition to any socialist government takeover in which bureaucrats come between you and your swine flu.
At the second Washington, D.C. teabagger rally, attendees are brought in on buses paid for by a conservative billionaire, who hoist the usual Marxist slogans and obscene holocaust signs. During the event, they forget the words to the Pledge of Allegiance, desecrate the American flag by letting it fall to the ground, and confuse the Constitution with the Declaration of Independence. They also unwittingly set a Guinness Book world record in the category of "Largest gathering of people with untied shoelaces."
The House passes a healthcare bill with a decent public option and robust subsidies to help low income people afford health insurance. But the robust fully-stocked hospital mini-bar option gets yanked at the last minute. C&J launches a petition drive to force Congress to kill the bill and start over, as some lines cannot be crossed.
Thanks to the quick thinking and superior organization of FEMA director Craig Fugate, giant fiberglass hurricane deflectors are deployed to quickly reduce Hurricane Ida to a mere super soaker. It's the first time in years that the phrase "heckuva job" is used without sarcasm.
After 29 years at CNN, Lou Dobbs abruptly quits after being fired. He plops himself in a lawn chair on the border and spends his days as an immigrant-busting Minuteman...binoculars in one hand, Taser in the other, two-way radio in one foot, bottle 'o Jack Daniels in the other, and wondering what's taking Fox so long to call with an offer....any offer!
Democrats suddenly discover there's a midterm election coming up, and announce their intention to create a big jobs bill to help knock down the 10.2% unemployment rate. Among the expected national projects: roads, bridges, schools, hospitals, and President Obama's long-sought U.S.-Kenya Chunnel.
The Wanda Sykes Show debuts. "I hereby appoint myself the president's Tell-People-Where-to-Go-and-What-to-Kiss Czar. Fox News, if you want an exclusive: pucker up!"
Word that five terrorism suspects are being transferred from Guantanamo to stand trial in New York---ON AMERICAN SOIL!!!---causes panic among conservatives. Within hours the shelves at Walmart are emptied of guns, ammo, deadbolts, night lights and Twinkies.
The Shuttle Atlantis heads "up yonder" on a mission to the International Space Station. Their primary goal: going an entire week without breaking the toilet.
Sarah Palin's book, Going Rogue, debuts. So?
A controversial report suggests that women may not need to get regular mammograms until age 50. In a related story, after nine months in office, Attorney General Eric Holder still hasn’t covered the breasts of the statues at the Justice Department. Perv.
At 56 years and 320 days, Robert Byrd becomes the longest-serving member of Congress ever. C&J considers mentioning that, at 92, he's lost most of his ability to be an effective legislator. But then again, since he can still throw a pie from 50 feet and hit a bug on the wall, we won’t.
Hamid Karzai pays me $500 to say that I'm thrilled he's been sworn in for another term as Afghanistan's president, and will set upon an aggressive agenda of curbing corruption in the region while improving stability. When asked why he didn’t do all that during his first term, he pays me a thousand bucks to forget I ever asked the question.
Dick Cheney criticizes President Obama for bowing before the Emperor of Japan during his Asia trip, insisting that such a grand gesture should only be used in front of Halliburton executives.
An airline traffic control meltdown forces passengers across the country to endure delays, cancellations, missed connections, long waits on the tarmac, crying babies, inconvenience, boredom, overpriced airport food, and excessive baggage fees. As opposed to a normal day where all they have to put up with are delays, cancellations, missed connections, long waits on the tarmac, crying babies, inconvenience, boredom, overpriced airport food, and excessive baggage fees.
Millions of adoring, awestruck fans are shocked to hear that the titan of daytime talk is leaving the airwaves after decades of hashing out issues both heavy and light. We'll really miss Bill Moyers. Oh, and Oprah's leaving, too.
After 14 months of repairs, the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland goes back online with the goal of finding the Higgs boson, a sub-atomic particle that is believed to exist, but which has never been found. Scientists admit that, to save money, they made the repairs with spare parts from the neocons' "Large Iraq WMD Bullshit Collider."
The Army Corps of Engineers officially joins Bush and Brownie on the Hurricane Katrina shit list when a judge rules in favor of New Orleans residents in St. Bernard Parish who sued ACE for failing to adequately maintain the levees that collapsed after the storm hit. Meanwhile, Atlantic hurricane season enters the history books with only two major storms, neither of which made landfall. In a rare moment of unity, residents and insurance company CEOs join forces to breathe a collective sigh of relief.
The Consumer Product Safety Commission warns about the dangers of baby cribs made by a Canadian company called Stork Craft Manufacturing, and orders a recall of 1.2 million of them. Investigators say they first suspected something was wrong when Newt Gingrich kept escaping.
Tiger Woods gets booted from the Pantheon of the Gods when a minor accident near his Florida home leads to revelations that his wife was chasing his Cadillac with a golf club at 2:30 in the morning because he's been having affairs with an assortment of cocktail waitresses, strippers, nurses, flight attendants, and a blowup doll named "Toots." A spokesperson for the National Organization for Marriage says this is exactly what they predicted would happen when gays started getting married in Iowa.
-
December
-
A couple of habitual gate crashers slither their way past security and into a state dinner at the White House. The Secret Service endures bad publicity, but offers an airtight defense by saying, "Yeah, but we've fucked up 91 times since 1980 so get off our back!" Because they carry very large guns and frequently mumble into their wrists, everyone gets off their back very very quickly.
Obama's Kobayashi Maru Moment arrives when he makes his case for a surge of forces in Afghanistan. Some say he's Quixotically escalating the war by throwing in a paltry 30,000 fresh troops, while others say he's carefully threading a microscopic needle to try and wind the conflict down without igniting a backlash of reprisals against the population there, and trying to keep the whole thing from spilling over into Pakistan. In either case, more troops will be killed and more blood will be spilled. And sometimes rhyming sucks.
Less than 24 hours after President Obama holds a "Jobs Summit," news breaks that the unemployment rate has fallen two-tenths of a percent!!! The White House is so excited that they immediately schedule a Jobs Conference, Jobs Roundtable, Jobs Gaggle, Jobs Bazaar, Jobs Meet-Up, Jobs Huddle, Jobs Amish Barn-raising, Jobs Broadway Production Number, Jobs Pootie Diary, Jobs Sleigh Ride, Jobs Flash Mob, and Jobs Canasta Tournament in Joe Biden's Living Room.
An investigation into shady practices at ACORN reveals that the organization's Republican critics are full of shit. Says an investigator: "[W]e did not find a pattern of intentional, illegal conduct by ACORN staff; in fact, there is no evidence that action, illegal or otherwise, was taken by any ACORN employee on behalf of the videographers." Full apologies are expected sometime before the end of the next decade.
C&J celebrates six years as a minor distrac.........
President Obama accepts his Nobel Peace Prize in Oslo. His overall message: speaking softly is preferable, but sometimes you gotta use the big stick. To illustrate his point, he reached down and pats a puppy with his left hand and "the football" with his right.
After Fox is caught introducing footage supposedly from a Sarah Palin book signing but actually from last year's presidential campaign, the top brass at Fox News sends an internal memo stating, 'Effective immediately, there is a zero-tolerance policy for on-screen errors.' No other network even comes close to having to enforce such a policy...only Fox.
Annise Parker becomes the first openly-gay mayor of Houston---America's fourth-largest city. Within hours, the entire city is gay. The Family Research Council issues a brief statement: "We warned you this would happen if you voted for gay mayorage!"
James Cameron's eagerly-awaited 3-D mega-epic Avatar debuts. The reviews among mainstream critics are are Avatarrrrrific. But, because the movie is set on a moon that has some plant life on it, the climate-change deniers are calling it---sight-unseen, of course---the second coming of Satan. However, they take back their words when they get a glimpse of Simon's head spinning around as he vomits green pea soup while fornicating with a crucifix during an exorcism in "Alvin & the Chipmunks 2." (Rated PG-13 for smoking and brief nudity.)
The Washington, D.C. Council votes 11-2 to approve gay marriage. Anti-gay groups warn that it will cause chaos and gridlock in the nation's capitol. [Your punchline here.]
Time's "Person of the Year" is Ben Bernanke. Doctors snatch up copies of the issue, which becomes an amazingly reliable cure for insomnia.
Sarah Palin is spotted vacationing in the liberal socialist Kenyan territory of Hawaii with a visor that has the words "McCain for President" blacked out with a magic marker. How sweet---she's teaching Trig how to redact.
The climate change summit ends in Copenhagen with lots of tips for limo drivers but little action on climate change. President Obama saddles up Air Force One and rides to the rescue, suggesting a "climate policy framework." It sets no goals, no deadlines, no standards, no guidelines and no legally-binding rules or laws. It passes unanimously.
The senate makes history as it passes, along party lines a healthcare reform bill on Christmas Eve day. The effort requires major concessions to conservative Democrats. Which reminds me: next summer you're in charge of cutting Ben Nelson's lawn.
Passengers on an airliner flying from Amsterdam to Detroit hear a "pop" sound and then notice flames shooting out of a passenger's crotch---the result of the detonation of a crude bomb intended to bring the plane down, which it fails to do. There are no injuries among the passengers, but several of the bomber's sperm suffer third-degree burns.
-
Epilogue: And with the proper medication and lots of yoga, they all lived happily ever after.
Ding Dong, this decade is fucking over.
The End
-