Dear Mr. Dimon,
This letter is in reference to your checking account at JP Morgan Chase Bank. Please read the terms carefully, as important changes have been made to the fee structure. The revised terms are as follows:
1- Maximum interest: Your account will now accrue no more than $500,000 a year.
2- Waiver of corporate responsibility suspended: Penalties for screwing up the US economy will no longer be waived. If you have good credit history and didn't take a bonus last year, this still applies
3- Gratuitous fees: You will be assessed an STFU fee every time you open your pie hole to complain about things being unfair. If you have a "Complaint overdraft protection" account, the STFU fee will only be charged for every day on which a pie-hole-opening event occurs
4- Non-Chase Source of Income Restrictions: If you use a non-chase machine to generate income (for example, a taxpayer bailout), you will be assessed an administrative fee (typically, your account will be debited one or more boats, private jets, or lavish hooker-and-blow parties)
How to file a grievance: The US taxpayers understand that you have a choice of which economy to put in jeopardy over your pursuit of wealth, and so we appreciate your business. We understand it can be frustrating to have the rules changed on you, even if you're a good customer. If you wish to file a grievance over any of these terms, please call 1-800-TUF-SHIT.