To judge by the mail arriving here Blogistan Polytechnic Institute, we are an equestrian people, or at least a nation people obsessed with miniature equines. A lot of people seem to want ponies. In fact, many seem to be convinced they deserve ponies ... for their dedication to AIG, to the Republican Party, to Capitalism and the American Dream, and even to President Barack Obama. Perhaps it's the fears about carbon footprints and thus a desire to return to a more rustic lifestyle. But we doubt it.
More below the fold....
Welcome to our customary Sunday Morning Feature, where your lowly mail room clerk fills in for the faculty at Blogistan Polytechnic Institute. They're in the campus wine cellar library, soaking up truth for their next week's lectures. While you prepare a breakfast of scrambled eggs, turkey sausage, and toast, we shall respond to the mail:
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
As you may know, I resigned from AIG recently. I am a self-made man, because my parents were schoolteachers and I went to MIT on scholarship. I made a lot of money because I worked hard at AIG, although I won't publicly disagree with those who argue I was overpaid. For the past year my salary was $1 plus a bonus promised from the taxpayer bailout sale of distressed assets sale of ponies the company doesn't own. Although I won't personally suffer from this economic crisis, the American people have a contractual duty to buy me a pony, so I can sell it and donate the proceeds to charity. Anything else would be socialism. Don't you agree?
Jake in NY
Dear Jake,
We disagree that you are a self-made man, in that your parents were schoolteachers and you went to MIT on scholarship rather than paying for your own education.
As to the substance of your question, we think the people suffering from the economic crisis would be better served by their government spending their tax dollars to help them directly, rather than their government spending their tax dollars to buy you a pony which you then sell and the proceeds of which you then donate to the charities of your choice. The only ways in which our proposal is more socialist than yours are: (1) the people, through their government, get to decide which relief efforts to fund; and, (2) you don't get a tax write-off for being the middleman.
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
I am at my wits' end. People keep criticizing my party for not having any ideas of our own, so we came out with our own economic recovery plan, complete with simple graphs that explain why the same policies that got the country into this crisis will get it out. Now people are criticizing this perfectly reasonable plan. If you ride a pony into the woods and get lost, doesn't it make sense to ride the pony back out of the woods?
Michael in MD
Dear Michael,
We are not surprised that you are at your wits' end, as your party's plan suggests you had few wits to begin with. We admit that your plan has several simple graphs. Sadly, these are the kinds of graphs ridiculed in planning seminars for including a step labeled "A miracle happens." And while one might indeed ride the same pony back out of the woods, it makes no sense to follow the same trail that has kept one wandering in circles until one's food and water - and the pony - are exhausted.
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
I am very disappointed in the new administration. Since the election of Barack Obama, my portfolio has lost almost a quarter of its value. That has ruined my plans to retire and raise ponies at age 50, which is the American Dream as documented by TV commercials for financial services companies. Just this week the president let slip that he forecasts only 2.6% annual GDP growth over the next decade, and that the Congressional Budget Office forecasts only 2.2%. I can't restore my portfolio's pony purchasing power at 2.2-2.6%. Can we not restore the American Dream?
Dreaming in America
Dear Dreaming,
We suggest there are many American Dreams, of which yours is only one. What's more, that American Dream was a sales pitch for financial services companies, the industry that created our current nightmare of unrealistic expectations that do not match our present economic potential. It may be disappointing to hear President Obama offer such low GDP growth estimates for the next decade, but at least those estimates are based in reality and not Wall-Street-via-Madison-Avenue fantasies.
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
Okay, I feel cheated. I donated to President Obama's campaign. I also canvassed and phone-banked and voted for him. I'm his progressive base, and I expected progressive change. But he hasn't nationalized the banks, he hasn't announced plans to legalize marijuana, and he hasn't advocated single-payer national health care. Plus I read somewhere that he promised a pony to his base if he won the election. Please don't misunderstand. I know he didn't campaign on a promise to nationalize the banks, legalize marijuana, or advocate single-payer health care. But my kids would love a pony, and I worked so hard for it. How am I supposed to tell them their president let them down?
Disappointed in Blogistan
Dear Disappointed,
Oh dear. We do apologize, because apparently you misread several of our own comments where we jestingly asserted that we were President Obama's base and we were promised a pony. That was merely a joke, taken from his promise to his daughters that he would buy them a puppy if elected. He never promised to buy a pony for each member of his base. When you break the news to your children, please blame us and not the president. Again, we apologize for the confusion.
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
Turkey sausage? That's gross, don't ya know. Real Americans eat pork sausage, darn tootin'.
Sarah in AK
Dear Sarah,
We ask that you please not use the words "turkey" and "gross" in such proximity. It brings back memories that would spoil any appetite.
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Happy Sunday!