We all know that the right has a little trouble organizing outside of the pews (except maybe for GOP Congressional staffers pretending to Floridians during the 2000 recount). Its also clear that a lot of the teabaggers don’t really get out very much, at all.
With so many would-be teabaggers apparently scouring DKos these days looking for hidden clues about sabotage initiatives (not everyone around here is a Democrat, you know), I thought it might be helpful to offer some "Do's and Don'ts" for those folks planning to teabag on April 15 (below).
Before You Leave
- DO file your taxes prior to heading out (assuming you have legal income, and don’t have your tax advisors taking care of it for you) - failure to do this still results in penalties until the revolution is complete.
- If you are a Joe Six-Pack Republican, DO NOT accept the Obama tax cut. To be consistent, teabaggers have to believe that accepting this tax break would only irresponsibly pass burdens along to future generations (unlike, say, the vast deficit spending and borrowing under the Bush Administration). Besides, the rich guys backing the teabagging events might appreciate the gesture of solidarity – their marginal tax rates are likely to go up, and may actually be as high as yours soon! Not that any of them will join you on the "front lines." Sailing season has started in the Caribbean, and they really need a break in the sun after what's been happening to their trust funds lately.
- If you are a rich Republican (and are not down in the Caribbean yachting or checking up on offshore tax-haven accounts), you can skip the Teabagging. Maybe outsource your participation. But DO consider going Galt. This would mean quitting your job, moving to a remote place, and denying the United States of your "talents" as part of an experiment to see if American society collapses. (The Somalia coast might be a nice spot for you to escape the risk of overbearing socialist government.) We'll take careful notes on the experiment, and will let you know right away if you’re missed. At all. On the way to Somalia, be sure to aggressively point out to all the religious people you know that Ayn Rand was right - Christianity is just an opiate of the masses (to borrow a phrase) – if not an outright socialist conspiracy.
- If you want to be among the vanguard of the teabag movement, DO consider tattooing revolutionary slogans on your forehead. Just remember that you'll need to have the tattoos done backwards, with backwards letters, if you want to be able to check the spelling in the mirror later.
- DO study up on the facts - the major drivers of the 2009 deficit, the causes of the national debt - particularly the trillions spent in Iraq to prevent the spread of WMDs (you know, WMDs like the nuclear weapons developed by North Korea on W's watch), the fact that it was Republican Administrations that piled on most of our current debt, and created the financial crisis that has triggered the piling on of even more.
As Teabaggers, it's important to know your facts...
Kidding! Kidding!
Just remember to bring along a battery-powered radio so you can listen to Rushbo.
- DO change your underwear. Its probably been a while, and its only polite if you're going to spend the afternoon teabagging in the public places you’re trying to turn into large outdoor tea rooms.
What to Bring
- DO NOT come heavily armed. That's what they're hoping for - that they can just lower the boom, take all your weapons and march you off to reeducation camps. Caveat: this may be your best chance to use that special high-caliber beauty you bought a few years back to shoot down a police helicopter (note: helicopter may be unmarked and black).
- DO NOT wear full hoods or NAZI paraphernalia. The idea is to pretend to be ordinary people. If you must wear jackboots, try to wear jeans over them so they'll be less conspicuous. Absolutely no goose-stepping.
- DO bring your own crumpets to go along with the tea. There's no such thing as a free lunch. Well, except for the Laffer curve. And sometimes extensive house renovations can be free if you're a GOP Senator. And there are sometimes these great golf outings to Scotland, which are kind of like a free lunch, if you're a GOP Congressman. But you know what I mean.
Once You Arrive on the Front Lines
- DO NOT trust anybody until you know he or she is a true believer in the movement. If you really are part of the movement, yourself, you know the drill: question the allegiance and patriotism of everyone until you're sure they think like you. ACORN and KAOS - a front organization believed to be backed by George Soros that has been identified by leading Teabagger operatives (surveillance photo here) - are expected to dispatch thousands of operatives to try to disrupt teabagging parties. You can probably identify potential infiltrators by their swarthy complexions. Also, if the supposed Teabagger is female this would be highly suspicious. On the other hand, a Southern accent would likely be a promising sign. Anyway, the best way to test for traitors in your midst is to try recycling your best Clinton jokes. The humor will be lost on those who are not true believers and you will be able to recognize them instantly.
- DO trumpet the right view on other issues of import:
Teabaggers do not believe in socialized medicine. The only things that should be socialized are losses when banks melt down.
We do not torture. No, really - we outsourced the actual torture to others.
Freedom isn't free. It requires slavish obedience to Rush.
Social security funds should be invested in the stock market. OK, table this one, maybe, for now.
- If it comes up, DO pretend that financial deregulation never really happened, and never really led to a huge crash of global financial markets. John Boehner says this statement is true, and people should just pass along what John Boehner and friends say without questioning the veracity. (Like American journalists and media personalities do.) The only thing that really happened is minorities over-indulged on adjustable rate mortgages.
- DO have your comeback lines ready for all those likely to mock you (e.g., "neener neener" or "I'm like rubber, you're like glue - its bounces off me and sticks on you!").
- DO NOT say anything too hateful, though - movement leaders like Bill O'Reilly grow deeply saddened when they see hateful behavior.
- DO NOT get discouraged if no one shows up. Just because most people are saner and smarter than you is no reason to abandon your beliefs. Instead, do something. If turnout is low, call all of your friends - well, all the guys you know - and tell them that Michelle Malkin is expected at your event, and rumor has it she will be giving $5 blowjobs (it wouldn’t be credible to suggest she would work for free). Call it a noble lie (more famous Republicans than you invoke this justification all the time - in private - for delivering whopper after whopper), though for all I know the Malkin rumor may be true... If this doesn't seal the deal, send them Michelle's cheerleader video.
Final Pointers
- If anyone asks later, DO exaggerate attendance. If there were only 4 of you, and someone asks about it, say that there were 1,000. (Its OK to admit it: the tea party thing is really an astroturfing initiative. But bladecount is really important in making good astroturf!)
- DO remember to thank the big insurance companies for all the help in financing and organizing the events. (The best way to do this, really, is by not complaining when they deny your health insurance claims - when you appeal, it totally drives up their administrative costs!)
- DO NOT say anything nasty about our world-leading financial institutions. They pretty much run the government now, so you wouldn't want to make them mad.
- DO travel in herds -- lots of people realize what GOP leaders, ideology, and lies have done to our country over the last 30 years, and a lot of them aren’t so amused about it, particularly those out of work, who have lost their homes, or have seen their retirement savings vanish. You’ll likely need emotional comfort and reinforcement if you run into people who have been living in reality at any time since 1980.
- Finally, Do consider enlisting in the military on the way home.
If you are really into guns and freedom, enlisting is a more appropriate thing to do than raucously spewing the rhetoric of armed insurrection at home - just because you lost an election - while servicemen fighting for your country are engaged in two wars overseas.