In an exclusive interview with Madtown Press, White House chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel explains the Obama’s administration’s srunning decision to throw Texas out of the Union.
Transcript below:
MTP: So, this is for real? This administration wants Texas out of the Union.
RE: No want about it. Their dickhead governor gave us the entrée and we are roasting his wingnuts.
We have the National Guard down there right now policing the borders. Texas pissed in their own tea so they can fuckin’ drink it. We are keeping Austin though, kickass music scene. It will be like our little Guantánamo in Texas, only with really cool bars and restaurants instead of prisons.
MTP: Aren’t you concerned about the ramifications of losing this great state, Austin excepted of course?
RE: Great state my ass!! All Texas has ever given the United States is dumbass ten gallon hats, the Kennedy assassination, dumbfuck Bush, and shitty food. Oh yeah, Texas also gave us that pissant Jerry Jones and his sissy ass cowboys. You know, Romo couldn’t hold Jim McMahon’s jock. Now there was a QB for you. But anyway, this downsizing of the US is long, long overdue. A lot of people don’t know this but we tried to give Texas back to Mexico via back channels right after the election.
MTP: Wow! What happened?
RE: What the hell do you think happened? President Calderón said "Chinga usted! Estás loco de mierda?"
MTP: Oh my, what did you say?
RE: Hey, he was speaking my language. So I said "Chupame la pija, Capullo!" Man, that was some damn fine cussing diplomacy but we were still stuck with those Texas long horn fuckers. Then Perry started showing off for all the Palin crazies and talking like God damn Jefferson Davis.
So I said to Barack, "fuck yeah. Let’s drop the hammer on this confederate loving asshole". He doesn’t want our "oppressive" government, la-di-fuckin-da, don’t let the damn door hit your Limbaugh ass on the way out of the Union. The President gave me a wry smile and just said, "Now Rahm" like he always does but then he did a little fist pump. He didn’t think I saw it but I did. It the same thing he does whenever he scores on a cross-over dribble move. Let me tell you, he doesn’t pull that move off too often. He’s a damn good President but Michael Jordan he ain’t. But god damn, it feels good to kick Texas to the god damn curb.
MTP: So, how exactly is the enforced secession going to be carried out?
RE: Well, it’s a bit complicated logistically. Right now, we are ripping out their interstate system. We figured we better take it back before their dumbshit governor tries to sell in on e-bay like that other dumbshit Republican governor. We are also reclaiming their internet infrastructure and taking back all the buildings and equipment paid for with federal dollars. Dams,levees, bridges, schools, hospitals you name it, we got it. Biden is working out a deal with this Saudi owned salvage company that is going to give a helluva a price for it too. We will put the funds in a new T.A.R.P program
MTP: The Toxic Asset Relief Program?
RE:, No, Texans Are Really Phucked!!!! HAHAHA.
We also seizing all the farmland since Texas's agriculture has been subsidized for 60 fuckin’ years with federal tax dollars. Let em eat all those god damn tea bags they couldn’t dump in the parks because the dumb fucks didn’t think to get a permit. And Like who did they expect to pick up all that crap after it was all over. The big tax cutter in the sky?
Instead of protesting taxes, they should be protesting their own god damn stupidity. Hey fox, why don't you sponsor a "stop in breeding" rally. Oh, I know why, in breeding is your audience expansion strategy. HAHAHAHA. I crack myself up sometimes.
MTP: Yes, but back to the topic at hand. Are you not concerned that the nation of Texas’s standard of living will soon fall below that of the poorest third world country?
RE: [More raucous laughter.] Ain’t it great! The Mexicans will have to guard their border against illegal Texans!!!. Don’t ya love it.
MTP: This strategy does not seem very bi-partisan.
RE: I’ll bitch slap you if you say that word again. You hear me? Look, we can find common ground with the fucking Taliban more easily than we can with these Republican dickheads. Like Barack said, "Enough is a fucking god damn enough. I am kicking serious ass now"
MTP: I don’t think those were the President’s exact words.
RE: Yeah, well you weren’t around right after McCain pulled his "that one" bullshit either.
MTP: Okay, well what about all the Texans who don’t support Governor Perry. You know, over three million Texans voted for President Obama.
RE: We have that covered but it is a longer term strategy. We had to factor in Texans’ rugged individualist, cowboy bullshit ethic, okay. So, here is how it will play out. President, Emperor, Grand Wizard governor, whatever the hell Perry is going call to himself is suddenly going to be the centralized fucking government. So, what happens next? Well, all the mayors, San Antonio, Dallas, Lubbock, Waco, fuckin’ desolate Lubbock, all of em, will get pissed off about their sovereignty being compromised and declare independence from the "oppressive" government of Texas. Then a little later, all the districts in each of those cities will secede from their oh so "tyrannical" city halls. Then all the neighborhoods will secede from the districts, then all the households will secede from the neighborhoods, and then all individual Texans will secede from the households. At the end of the process, each Texan will declare him or herself a sovereign nation.
At least that is where we hope it ends. Panetta is getting his panties in a wad worrying that each Texan’s right brains might secede from the rest of their bodies and then the process would continue until we had single cell declarations of independence. I don’t know, if it comes to that...
But let’s say it stops at the individual, whole body Texan. At the point, we can declare each sovereign Texan nation who is registered as a Democrat to be a protectorate of the United States, just like American Samoa, Guam, Puerto Rico, you know. Problem solved.
MTP: So, after the implosion of personal sovereignty, Democratic Texans will sort of be allowed back in the Union but without any voting or formal citizenship rights, is that correct?
RE: Hell, yes. They are still crazy ass Texans. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go work on some plans for South Carolina.