In an attempt to halt the accelerating disintegration of the Republican Party, and to divert attention from the revelation of Bush-Cheney torture policies, the Republican National Committee has announced it is launching a series of new TV ads designed to recycle the iconography and positioning of Ronald Reagan.
The first in the series is designed to exploit the controversy highlighted on GOP-Fox news this week over President Obama’s handshake with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. (Continued below)
Back to the Future
Said an RNC source on the condition of anonymity, "Our idea is to really nail Obama by drawing on Ronald Reagan’s 1984 ‘Bear in the Woods’ campaign ad." He added, "We really want to work the nostalgia and tough-guy imagery to try to make the President of our country look as bad as possible!"
The original ad that the new RNC ad proposes to copy is a classic.
Adapting to the Modern Context
But borrowing the icnography is not easy. "Since 'bear' clearly means nuclear-armed Russia, the first challenge is to come up with an animal stand-in that will effectively say 'Venezuela' in the remake," said the RNC source.
"We’ve figured out through focus groups that, for our target demographic, no animal screams ‘Latin America’ – which is where Venezuela apparently is – better than the chihuahua."
So the working title for the new ad: Chihuahua in the Woods.
"We wish it was a little more menacing," said the operative, "but what are you gonna do?"
Miguel, prospective star of the new RNC ad
A draft script with the accompanying narrative was obtained from the same source:
[Fade in: Chihuahua wondering through rain forest, frollicking and cavorting]
Narrator:
There’s a Chihuahua in the woods.
Some say the Chihuahua is tame.
Others say it’s vicious.
Others say the Chihuahua must be good because it has lots and lots of oil.
Others disagree.
But since we don’t really know, isn’t it potentially suicidal to shake hands...
...with the Chihuahua?
[Cut to still photo of small blonde girl screaming in horror]
Controversy
While Republican Party leaders like the idea of recycling Reaganism (again), and welcome any proactivity that isn't immediately embarrassing, some have questioned whether the new ad will really speak to the personal insecurity and roiling xenophobia of the Republican base, let alone the worldview of independent voters that the GOP would need to win back to regain relevance.
Said a Congressional Republican leader, also on the condition of anonymity, "we should have started by playing off Reagan’s ‘Morning in America’ material – only flipping it over to make it bad; maybe ‘Sunset in America’ – you know, like Beck and Hannity have been doing."
Canvassing the Republican Leadership
Reaching out to other Republican leaders for alternative ideas on the best iconography yielded a range of responses.
De facto GOP chairman Rush Limbaugh, when asked what might be in the woods, responded with agitation: "In the woods? There’s a HUGE frackin bat in the woods – a HUGE, FURRY BAT – WITH HUGE STROBE-LIGHT EYES – AND ITS FOLLOWING ME!!!!"
After receiving a fix from an assistant, Limbaugh was asked again, and had an alternative vision. "There’s a big, succulent pork roast in the woods; sitting there on a big picnic table; with sweet yams, mashed potatoes, and lots and lots of gravy..." said Limbaugh, drooling, as his eyes went glassy.
Nominative RNC Chairman Michael Steele thought the chihuahua idea was "dope", but thought a subtle shift in tone might help. "The theme should probably be something a little hipper to try to engage the kids - maybe ‘There’s a hound in the ‘hood, yo! What up dog?’"
Leading GOP-Fox Intellectual and Teabagging Advisor Glenn Beck thought the more appropriate theme should be obvious to anyone: "Satan is in the woods! Satan is in the woods! And he’s coming!"
Beck was unwilling to elaborate further, instead running over to look out the window to check if the rapture had started yet.
GOP-Fox Choirmaster Sean Hannity was unavailable for comment, explaining through a spokesman that he was too busy redrafting the words to the pledge of allegiance to somehow work in the word "secession."
Hannity’s assistant, Bill O’Reilly, however did come back with a response to the request: "I’m far, far bigger than Limbaugh, Hannity, and Beck combined! Considerably, considerably bigger!"
Token GOP minority blogger Michelle Malkin refused to offer any suggestions on the new RNC campaign without prior compensation. "Why would I work for free?"
Presumptive 2012 GOP Presidential front-runner Sarah Palin did not understand the chihuahua reference, but struggled to come up with an alternative metaphor. Responding to the query, she stammered, "Maybe the theme should be ‘there’s a federally funded bridge in the woods - drill, baby, drill!’ Wait – is there one? Really? Where? What? Also."
Palin rival, Representative Michelle Bachman, suggested a different direction: "I think the theme should be more along the lines of ‘there’s a shark in the woods!’ - much scarier!"
Diminishing Options
The RNC is banking heavily on the new series of ads to reignite US conservatism in the face of a steep decline. "If this doesn’t work, I’m not sure what we could try," said the unnamed official.
"We might have to fall back on discussing significant issues from a reality-based perspective, and debating realistic policy choices on their merits!" he said with despair.
He further cautioned, "This has always been a tough approach for Republicans, because most Americans have never really agreed with conservative policy positions without help from the iconography and a xenophobic push – and conservative positions are a harder sell than ever after the real life experiment of living under those policies for the last decade or two."