From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Progress Report for the Young'uns:
Earlier this year, McSweeney's and the literacy group 826 National published a book called Thanks and Have Fun Running the Country, a collection of advice-filled letters from kids to President Obama. Since we doubt anyone in the traditional media will bring our youngest citizens into the discussion of the president's first 100 days in office, we're here to fill the vacuum. Here are some of their suggestions from the book and an update on President Obama's progress in fulfilling them:
One thing you could fix is the economy. Something happened to me: I went to lunch at Starbucks and I wanted to buy a cup of whipped cream and normally it's forty-three cents but now it's seventy-four cents! The price raised thirty-one cents for no reason. So you should probably try to change things like that from happening. You should keep an eye out for things like that.
P.S. I love whipped cream!
---Alexis Feliciano, age 9
Status: In progress
The first thing you need to do is put your stuff in the White House. Be careful, Abraham Lincoln haunts one of the bedrooms. Look around the White House. Meet with your helpers. Get a puppy. Talk to America. Make a speech.
---Matthew Wong, age 8
Status: Done!
Even though you may not listen to me, I want to tell you what's important for my family and me. Lowering the prices on expensive things is one of them because sometimes we can't afford things. For example, we can't afford a house of our own. I wish you could put more money in schools because a lot of kids are leaving schools. More money would be good because we could get more materials for school.
---Stephanie Aguilar, age 10
Status: In progress
I wish you could give me money and buy me a Nintendo DS and a DS game. ... I know you can be a better president than President Bush.
---Giueseppe Pacheco, age 7
Status on Point #1: Fail! Status on Point #2: Done!
You should make a three-day weekend.
---Emily Morales, age 9
Status: Fail!
Please make this world a better place. I say this because we want no more war. We also don’t want jobs to be gone because then we would be left with no money and no food to eat. We want no guns or violence on the street because they have killed many innocent people. I think you should get a lot of rest and eat healthy because you have a really big job commitment for this.
---Edgar Gomez, age 11
Status: In progress
You should realize that not just the adults of the nation are watching you, that the younger generation is too. And while our parents may have learned to stay silent as the world is not fixed and our leaders do things to benefit themselves---we, most definitely, will not.
---Giorgia Peckman, age 13
Status: Done! And somebody should make Giorgia a White House advisor now.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Note: Since there seems to be some confusion, let's be clear: Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg is not spelled Chargoggagoggmanchaoggagoggchaubunaguhgamaugg. The Commonwealth of Massachusetts regrets the error.
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the start of the Memorial Day weekend: 25
Days `til Lost Sock Memorial Day: 11
National unemployment rate: 8.5%
Unemployment rate in New Orleans, thanks to major building and renovation projects going on there: 5.3%
(Source: LA Times via The Week)
Percent of Americans born in Washington, DC who still live there: 13%
Percent of Americans born in Texas who still live there, the highest rate of any state: 76%
(Source: Harper's Index)
Percent chance that a right-wing group will call for a boycott of the movie Babe and crush DVD copies of it with a steamroller in response to the outbreak of swine flu: 56%
-
Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
Acting Freddie Mac CFO commits suicide Uh Oh!!!! All of the rest of the F.O.O. better watch out. ITS STARTED!!
Like Vince Foster said as he left the office "Strange, the president said he wants to meet for a picnic" This guy probably said "Strange, the president said he wants to meet for an early breakfast."
---Commenter "rabidsquirrel" at the moderated Michelle Malkin blog
All together now: One...two...three... Classy!!!
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: "Yes, as a professional puppy sitter I am fully licensed, bonded and insured. And my list of references is as long as my wingspan..."
-
CHEERS to Day 1. A little under 400 same-sex couples applied for marriage licenses in Iowa yesterday. I thought it was amusing that opponents, who believe gay marriage will be the death of civilization, took immediate and decisive action to stop the events in the Name Of All That Is Sacred And Holy by...signing worthless petitions. And, before we forget, let's check the giant throbbing weather machine and see how that "gathering storm" panned out in the new Sodom and Gomorrah of the Corn Belt. Today it will be sunny and 63. So that's God's plan---gently tanning you sinners to death. So cruel.
JEERS to jumbo jitters. The Department of Defense, in all its wisdom, decided it just had to fly a 747 (part of the "Air Force One Fleet") around New York Harbor, escorted by two fighter jets, so they could stage a photo-op around the Statue of Liberty. The mayor and law enforcement agencies were all informed of it...but, golly gee, nobody thought it might be wise to give a heads-up to the residents and workers in the area. And they're not happy:
David Frank of Jersey City wrote: "I work in 30 Hudson, which is the largest building in NJ and is right on the water facing the Statue of Liberty. I ran out of the building after a stampede of people began running out of the building as they saw the jumbo jet being followed by two fighter planes veer sharply towards our building and climb right over it. By the time I got outside, it was coming around for its THIRD pass, and I watched it level off below building height over the water and then once again veer sharply towards the building. Several hundred of us began to run away fearing for our lives before it climbed steeply and flew over our building. Whoever thought that this 'photo op' was a good idea should be removed from command...why couldn't this simply be done with Photoshop?"
The "whoever" would be the head of the White House Military Office, Louis Caldera. If you need him for anything today you'll find him curled under his desk in the fetal position.
CHEERS to speaking truth to blowhard. The #2 crewmember on the merchant ship Maersk Alabama arrived back home late last week and he was all smiles for everyone but a certain drug-addled divorce addict:
Shane Murphy [is] not happy to be sharing turf with land-lubber Rush Limbaugh, who politicized the pirate affair by referring to the pirates as "black teenagers." "It feels great to be home," said [Shane] Murphy in an interview with WCBV in Boston. "It feels like everyone around here has my back, with the exception of Rush Limbaugh, who is trying to make this into a race issue...that's disgusting. ... [W]hat you said is evil. It's hate speech."
Y'know, there's a term for people like Murphy: "honorary Kossack."
CHEERS to the cold stuff. Chlorofluorocarbon lovers rejoice! The air conditioner was patented 95 years ago today. Sadly, it made the front porch obsolete and started the anti-social phenomenon known as `cocooning.' But do you want to spend another summer without it?
CHEERS to the cold stiff. Happy 251st birthday to "#5" James Monroe. He creeped people out by wearing revolution-era clothes and a powdered wig at a time when doing so was long out of style. He also told Europe and Russia to keep their paws off the west and then sucked up to the AARP by snagging Florida. And then this (From Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents by Cormac O'Brien):
Secretary of the Treasury William Crawford once came calling on the president with a stack of patronage recommendations, all of which Monroe rejected. Enraged, Crawford threw a temper tantrum and demanded to know whom Monroe intended to appoint; the president replied it was none of Crawford's damn business. Crawford snapped and actually advanced on the chief executive with his cane raised, calling Monroe a "damned infernal old scoundrel." Monroe then stepped to the fireplace, seized a pair of fire tongs, and chased his secretary of the treasury from the Executive Mansion.
Historians call it "The night Monroe went mad." The Fox News Network calls it "The inspiration for The Glenn Beck Show."
JEERS to Jimmy the Jerk. See James Kauchis. See James Kauchis work in a Binghamton government office building. Work, James, work. See James Kauchis demand compensation because he "lost" a lunch hour. Demand, James, demand. See James complain that his workplace was locked down by police. Complain, James, complain. James would've been a happier boy, you see, if his lunch hadn't been rudely interrupted by---oh, what's the word?---a massacre. And now that you know why James is complaining, see James choke on his salami sandwich. Choke, James, choke.
JEERS to the recipient of today's "The Stupid, It Burns!" Award. Joe Scarborough on MSNBC this morning:
-
"If planes go into buildings, don’t blame Barack Obama, blame Dana Priest."
-
As soon as I'm done crapping out your trophy, Joe, I'll FedEx it to ya.
CHEERS to adding "reform" to the 3 R's. Katie Naranjo is President of the College Democrats of America, and she's happy with President Obama's plan to make it easier to get into college. From our email in-box:
In recent decades tuition has grown ten times faster than a typical family’s income---putting an undue strain on families and making the cost of higher education too expensive for far too many.
President Obama has already enacted legislation making the cost of college more affordable by making working families eligible for a $2,500 tax credit to help offset the cost of tuition, modernizing and expanding the Perkins Loan Program and reforming the Pell Grant program. The plan the President announced [last week] to eliminate waste in the current loan programs and expand Pell Grants will help ensure that more students can afford college and that our system is as efficient as possible. [W]ith President Obama at the helm, we are much closer to making the dream of an affordable college education a reality."
The president's education reforms have also been endorse by the American Association of Colleges, the National Academic Standards Foundation, and the Society for the Preservation of Beer Helmets.
JEERS to words that bite back. Forty two years ago today, on April 28, 1967, General William Westmoreland said that the U.S. "would prevail in Vietnam." I assume he was on Laugh-In at the time.
-
Five years ago in C&J: April 28, 2004
JEERS to war wounds. Army neurosurgeons say severe head injuries "that probably would have been fatal in any other war" are leaving scores of soldiers brain-damaged, blind...or both. Just like their commander-in-chief.
CHEERS to the Maine Senate. Passes bill that grants expanded inheritance rights to unmarried partners, both gay and straight. I'm leaving my collection of `Star Wars' trading cards to my lesbian cat.
-
And just one more...
JEERS to violating the spirit of nudietrality. In the Swiss region of---[Flying Spittle Alert!]---Appenzell-Innerrhoden, people can no longer go hiking in the buff. The penalty: $176 and, in all likelihood, a bad case of sunburn. But not all is lost---yodeling in the nude is still perfectly legal. As long as you're in the shower at the time.
Have a safe and happy Tuesday. Don’t forget to buckle up. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"OK, Bill in Portland Maine has not quite attained the Blagojevichian level of gooberness, but he's a striver, and he's only one bad haircut away from getting to the top."
---Jim Hightower
4/25/09 (link via ajewella)
-