From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Oh! More Things I Know:
>> If a member of Congress makes a serious accusation against the White House---as Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) did when she accused the Obama administration of planning to brainwash America's kids in "re-education camps"---and the traditional media doesn't report on it, it means a) it's not worth their time to inform citizens of the potential danger to American families, or b) there's no doubt in their mind that the accuser has been sniffing glue.
>> Based on the performance of the drivers I've been watching from the window of this coffee shop, we definitely do need to establish re-education camps for parallel parkers.
>> I say we should get our socialist government out of the money business by abolishing dollars and leaving it up to the individual citizen to create his or her own currency. Mine will be called "Billy Bucks" and one of them will buy a yacht.
>> It seems odd that members of the Republican netroots, who act like they're the badassest badasses on the planet, would get so excited about organizing little tea parties. (Pinkies up, girls!) When I stage my tax revolt against the government it's gonna be a fuckin' whiskey rebellion!
>> How talented are the fringe gun-loving neo-Nazi American militia "revolutionaries?" On the one hand they claim "Obama = Hitler." On the other hand, they salute Hitler. Somehow they manage to hold both positions at once. That's talent.
>> I don’t have opposable thumbs. They agree on everything.
>> Since President Obama was sworn in, the press is working a little harder on correctly pronouncing the names of countries and world leaders. Fair warning: you want to be wearing a poncho when Chris Matthews tries to roll an R.
>> NBC correspondent Richard Engel is not only the cutest journalist working today, he's also the proud new owner of a prestigious Peabody Award. The cast of Saturday Night Live also won a Peabody for their Sarah Palin sketches. Bill O'Reilly boasted on several occasions that he has "Peabody Awards." He doesn’t. But he does have his own pea brain which, like many Peabody winners, he keeps on his mantle above the fireplace.
>> America has a strange obsession with inventing products that "get at those hard-to-reach places." It's weird because America is the slob capital of the universe.
>> Given that the combined efforts of groups like the Family Research Council, Focus on the Family and Concerned Women for America haven't made even the tiniest dent in the U.S. divorce rate, they're not in a position to claim expertise on marriage of any kind.
>> And one thing I don't know: How does Rush Limbaugh breathe when he sits down?
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, April 9, 2009
Note: Now that we've gotten all our Disturbing-the-Peace waivers approved by City Hall, the Kossack meetup in Portsmouth, New Hampshire is a go!
Date/Time: Saturday, April 25th at 1 O'clock
Place: The Muddy River Smokehouse.
To RSVP: email Michael at cuckolds@maine.rr.com.
Hope to see you there. Mainly because I believe you still owe me five bucks.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Netroots Nation convention August 13-16 in Pittsburgh: 126
Days `til the 40th New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival: 15
Percent of Americans who think President Obama is more likely to make the right decisions on the economy: 62%
Percent who think Republicans are the better decision-makers: 20%
(Source: New York Times/CBS News poll)
Approximate increase workers will see in their weekly paycheck under the new federal "Make Work Pay" tax credit: $10
(Source: Portland Press Herald)
Average amount of sleep Americans get on weeknights: 6.7 hours
(Source: CNN via The Week)
Approximate number of family members of 9/11 victims that Glenn Beck says he "hates": 10
(Source: Glenn Beck)
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
In one totally berserker speech, House Speaker Newt Gingrich actually claimed poor people were "coaching" their children to "act crazy" so they could obtain "crazy money" and then beating the children if they didn’t get it. There is no evidence whatever for this insane charge. Try to get a three-year-old to fake cerebral palsy sometime. Gingrich actually implied that Congress was justified in cutting SSI [Supplemental Security Income] as a way of ending child abuse. The sheer hideousness of the insult to the poor families who care so devotedly for their handicapped children is beyond my ability to describe. Gingrich would rather dump them into state hospitals---where their lives are often without any joy, and, incidentally, cost us a lot more money---than pay their own families a pittance to care for them.
---September, 1998
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Canine Ritz-Carlton on wheels.
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CHEERS to Obama's army. Defense Secretary Gates's proposed 2009 defense budget is out, and it seems to indicate a shakeup of the very nature of the military. Instead of large mechanized forces, the Pentagon is adjusting to the new reality of warfare. Winners: unmanned drones, surveillance tools and reconnaissance equipment. Losers: the F-22 fighter jet, missile "shields" and various obsolete shit that congresscritters keep alive because it brings home the bacon to their districts. But fair warning: anyone who tries to cut a penny from Johnstown Crossbows, Catapults and Chainmail, Inc. will have to answer to John Murtha. (One coco-butt from him and the next thing you know you're getting your last rites.)
CHEERS and JEERS to the topple seen 'round the world. Six years ago today the government---and, in an iconic moment, the statue---of Saddam Hussein fell. I still remember watching the latter unfold. I winced when a soldier tried to tie an American flag around Saddam's head (thankfully he thought better of it), and drummed my fingers on my desk impatiently as they abandoned their attempt to pull it down by hand and hooked the ropes to a military vehicle, which completed the task in seconds. And then the "crowd" beat it with shoes as it was dragged around the square. The way the press showed it, it looked like the entire city was celebrating. But, no...as this photograph reveals, the government and the media made it a much bigger deal than it was. I know you're shocked---try breathing in and out of a paper sack for a minute or two. We'll wait.
CHEERS to spring thaws. The fiery former dictator of Cuba, who said some bad things about us over the years that really hurt our feelings and made us sad and sometimes cry, now says, let's talk:
Former Cuban leader Fidel Castro said on Sunday that Cuba does not fear dialogue with the United States and praised U.S. Senator Richard Lugar for calling for a new U.S. policy of engagement with the communist-led island. Castro, in a column published on the Internet, said Lugar has "his feet on the ground" and does not fear that he will be called "soft or pro-socialist" in making the argument that "the measures of the United States against Cuba, throughout almost half a century, constitute a total failure."
Lugar, the top Republican on the U.S. Senate Foreign Relations Committee, urged President Barack Obama last week to "recast a policy that has not only failed to promote human rights and democracy, but also undermines our broader security and political interests."
Meanwhile members of the Congressional Black Caucus met with Castro himself (the guy's like the Energizer Bunny) and came to the same conclusion. That sound you hear is groundwork being laid for a full lifting of the idiotic embargo. And you know what that means? We'll finally have access to quality, affordable health care!
CHEERS to a civil end to a most uncivil war. On April 9, 1865---144 years ago today---Robert E. Lee surrendered to Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox Court House in Virginia, effectively ending the War Between the States. Amazingly, there are folks down south who still haven't heard. It's understandable, I guess. They're busy.
JEERS to the Houston dodgers. Joel Osteen, who embraces the new whiz-bang rock-concert-style of techno-preaching at his megachurch (which doesn’t have a spire---it has an "Osteeple"), and his wife sat down for a little bamboozlepalooza with Larry King the other night. Since Larry failed to follow up on an important question, I'll insert my virtual self into the conversation:
Larry King: Do you think that eventually many more states are going to allow same-sex marriage?
Joel Osteen: You know, I don't know where it's all going ... I'd love to see it stay between a male and a female, not knocking anybody else.
Larry King: Supposing there were more states that had it. What would be the harm?
Victoria Osteen: We really want to see marriage between a man and a woman. There [are] going to be people who get together and have relationships and have what they call their families. But I just think marriage should be sanctified by the church. It should be between a man and a woman.
Bill in Portland Maine: That's not the question. The question is: what would be the harm?
Joel Osteen: Errr...ummm...one man one woman?
Victoria Osteen: Yesss! One man, one woman!
Bill in Portland Maine: You have no idea, do you? You're just makin' [bleep!] up as you go.
Joel Osteen: Flubba flibbity floo! Floobity flub!
Bill in Portland Maine: What about the 30 percent of marriages that take place every year in a completely non-religious setting? Since when does a civil contract have to be "sanctified" by a church? If I apply for a permit to add a new wing on my house do I gotta get it blessed by the Pope? Do you have any inkling how the law works in the United States?
Victoria Osteen: I believe my husband made himself very clear: what part of floobity flub don’t you get?
Larry King: I swear to god my prostate's the size of a watermelon. Can you talk to your man upstairs about that?
Okay. That was a really bad idea.
CHEERS to swing time. The Masters golf tournament starts today in Augusta, Georgia. Defending champ Trevor Immelman is going for his second green jacket. I thought about becoming a pro, but the magic dissipated when I found out they didn't allow liquor on the course. And I had to walk. And practice. And there's a buncha rules. It sounded too much like a job.
CHEERS to pest control. Roger Ebert is a genial, even lovable guy. But he doesn’t suffer fools gladly. So when Bill O'Reilly put the Chicago Sun-Times in his "Hall of Shame" for the unpardonable offense of dropping his column, Ebert gently responded:
Bill, I am concerned that you have been losing touch with reality recently. Did you really say you are more powerful than any politician?
That reminds me of the famous story about Squeaky the Chicago Mouse. It seems that Squeaky was floating on his back along the Chicago River one day. Approaching the Michigan Avenue lift bridge, he called out: Raise the bridge! I have an erection!
I believe it was Sean Connery who said in The Untouchables: "He pulls a knife...you pull a gun. That's the Chicago way." O'Reilly should maybe watch more movies.
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Five years ago in C&J: April 9, 2004
CHEERS to August 6 PDB. 9/11 commission demands White House release President's Daily Briefing titled, "Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States." Since Condi sloughed it off as a "historical" document, they want to---wink wink---make sure it ends up in the Smithsonian. Next to Nixon's tape recorder?
JEERS to bad peace deals. In Iraq, Sunnis and Shiites are shaking hands, kissing babies, and breaking bread. All because America united them in a common purpose: Killing us.
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And just one more...
JEERS to the not-so-friendly skies (link originally sent by klamothe). Results have been published from a new survey out by TripAdvisor on what bugs people most about airline travel. Not surprisingly: add-on charges, vomiting, delays and weird people. But that's not why I'm writing this. No, I'm writing this because three people emailed me to ask if I was "Mr. Poopy Pants":
There was a time when airline travel was a special treat, the kind of occasion that inspired passengers to dress up. Now, the awe people once felt about flying through the clouds is tempered by additional fees, cramped seats and horrifying tales of fellow travelers. Take, for instance, "Mr. Poopy Pants" --- a grown man who allegedly soiled himself 10 minutes into a flight from Florida to Minnesota. And then he just sat there.
"We've all had our flying hell experiences," said Gregg Rottler, creator of FlightsFromHell.com.
For the record—i.e. read my lips---NO! I'M NOT MR. POOPY PANTS! Well, at least not that one. I only drop my load during landings.
Oh, and there should be a law against this sort of thing. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"Bill in Portland Maine always lived very frugally. He flew around on a private jet. He had a boat. But he always lived very frugally. He's not a high-fallutin guy."
---Allen Stanford
4/6/09
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