A.,
It's fair to say that you caught your Mom & I by surprise last night. How surprised? Well, you know the fight in the Season Five finale of Buffy? The part where Xander clocks Glory from her blind side with the wrecking ball? Kind of like that, without the pain, but with the "Holy crap, didn't see that coming" sensation. Followed by a brief sensation of weightlessness before landing with a thump.
And very important to me that you know this: you haven't hurt us at all. We may be surprised - a bit stunned, frankly - but not hurt. But just like Glory, we're suddenly having to look at everything going on from a completely different angle.
That's not a bad thing, you understand. We just have to reorient ourselves a bit.
Both of us are definitely impressed by the courage you displayed in coming out in such a public fashion. While we both think it might have been wiser to talk about this with an adult first, we both understand that to you, it was something you just had to express. And in retrospect, that was a good bunch to do it with; they already admire and accept you as you are, and definitely accept and appreciate those who've gone before you. But still, it took guts, and we understand that.
Given how I understand you put it - that you believe you're either gay or bisexual - seems to me you're still sorting things out. It's OK; do that at your own pace. My good friend M., who's bi, told me that she was pretty fluid at that age, and she went through some phases. So if you're uncertain just where on the spectrum you are, don't sweat it too much; it's the kind of thing where only time will tell for certain, and in the end, the only feelings that matter are yours and your partners'. (With the caveat that if we think you're heading into a harmful or destructive situation - by which I mean abusive, or physically dangerous somehow, something like that - we will DEFINITELY speak up. But that would be true regardless.)
By coming out publicly, we do want you to recognize that you've potentially set yourself up as a target. While not quite as thoughtlessly and unknowingly cruel as middle school kids, high school kids can still be pretty nasty, and you already know there are plenty of narrow-minded people. Fortunately, where we live, there are protections and mechanisms for LBGT kids, and we suggest you talk to Dr. B. about how to access them BEFORE a problem arises - so that you'll know what to do when it happens. If you never need to utilize them, great! But better to be prepared.
There are lots of people who are going to want to pigeonhole you or label you in other ways as well, to fit you into their own agendas. Some may insist that you have to conform to some sort of ideal or role of a gay person. I say - be yourself. Follow the things that you decide fit you, and don't let anyone pressure you into anything that doesn't. In the end, the only person you have to answer to is yourself (well, except for that whole being a minor living in our house thing). If we see something that seems problematic we'll speak up, but our intent is to give you the room to work these things through in the way that you feel best.
This is certainly, if not the first decision that's been completely yours (and I don't mean being gay/bi/whatever, I mean deciding to come out) then defnitely the biggest to date. But while you "own" this now, and the consequences, I want you to know these things absolutely:
You no more and no less my daughter than you were yesterday morning. I am no less proud of all you have accomplished in dealing with the neuro-typical world as an Aspie. No less proud of your amazing talent, creativity, your passion and idealism. I love you no less today and will love you no less tomorrow. And your mother and I will back you in whatever ways you need. Right now, I suspect that mostly consists of giving you some space and privacy; but there are two fierce advocates who will always have your interests at heart right here whenever you need us.
Not that we might not screw up from time to time. So please forgive us if we err on one side or the other, of being too involved or not enough; we're new at this too. But we'll work through it all together.
In the end, we just want you to find happiness - in your work, in your writing, and in love. But no matter what, we will ALWAYS love you.
Love,
Dad
UPDATE: I'm humbled (and a bit stunned again) that this made the Rec List. Many thanks to all who've complimented our parenting; we don't get everything right, but we try to nail the big stuff. And to the new parents, that's the best advice I can give: try not to get bogged down in the small stuff, and let them know you love them, so that they'll bring this big stuff to you when it's time.
Oh, and for the record - my wife can't stand Buffy. It's just the kids & I.