Hi! I'm Carl the Cashier. I work at the Quick Stop around the corner. I've worked there for about 4 years now. The boss just hired 2 mexicans. I bet their illegal. I can tell just by looking at them that they don't speak english, and that look on their face just screams "I want to carry forth the Aztlan plot to merge Mexico into America! Some tooty fruity hippy told me that free trade is to blame for our immigration problem. I disagree. Free trade is great for the economy. For example, this uniform that the boss insisted I pay for would have costed a few bucks more if it wern't made by the skilled hands of Mexicans.
At least they know how to work hard. In this country, we elected a socialist community organizer who wants to give more rights to people who don't work. I bet he's never bled while working before! The way I look at the world is, if you don't bleed at least once per week while on the job, then you don't deserve a raise. But even then, it's up to the boss to decide.
I only make minimum wage, but I'm against it because if we were to get rid of the minimum wage, the magical invisible hand would work it's magic so that employers comepete with one another to see who can provide the best wages! How does the invisible hand work? Well, the liberals have tried to sever the invisible hand. It actually belongs to the ghost of Ronald Reagan. The liberals won't bring him back from the dead because they have a secret time machine that works in their best interests. If a true conservative got a hold of the time machine, they would go back in time, and right when reagan died, they would use their ghost catching bottles to get the ghost of Reagan, and then ask permission to use his "invisible hand" to help prove the liberals that capitalism actually does work, unlike them.
I swear, I must live on Mars. We are now becoming a nanny state. I don't want universal healthcare, because that sounds like something a nanny would do. A nanny would also tell me that I can't buy products carrying ephedra or mercury in my salmon.
That's what's wrong with America today. I feel as though the government is taking away my most cherished rights. Like the freedom to have an anti-helicopter missile launcher when the illuminati jews from the center of the earth come out and declare their "New World order" and then I can fire away at oppressive government black helicopters.
Also, the government wants to take away our rights to move our corporations offshore. Our corporate CEOs know best, because in our country the harder you work, the more you move up. So Leave AIG alone!! They know what's best for us. It's ok if they took lavish vacations and such, because the angry socialist mob of people were against bailing them out! Can you believe it? They just needed to take off some stress just like all them liberals when they do their yoga, and herbal therapies and all that other shit I don't understand.
There's only one last hope: TEABAGS! The liberals will cower in fear over our teabags, because our founding fathers opposed all sorts of "empathetic" programs that Obama supports. We will stand United against empathy, because that is one value that doesn't belong in America.
one week later
I just got fired from my job! It was them mexican's fault! Oh well, afterall we have a "free market" and I guess them mexican's is jes more hardworking than I am, even though I refuse to ask for a raise, even though I bleed for one (literally, I punch the cash register everytime a WIC customer comes through my line). I also shine the bosses shoes and act as his personal valet when he parks his car outside of the night-club in the seedy part of town.
Oh well, I'm not collecting unemployment because that's socialism. I'm not even going to eat out of garbage cans, because in some weird twisted way, it's kind of like socialism. That food wasn't mine to begin with, and somebody would be providing it to me, and even if it were a 2 hour old domino's pizza from some dumpster, I wouldn't eat it, because it would be like being provided for, and since I'm such a fierce independent, I'm going to go into the forest and eat some berries. Wait a second! That would be nature PROVIDING for me. Ha! Earth hippies, can't fool me! Plus, the environment wasn't made for enjoying, it was made so we could build oil refineries and coal plants on top of. Now that I think about it, I can't even sleep in a public park, because it's owned by the government, which I hate. So I'm clearly in the shitter here now arn't I?