Let's forget LGBT Rights for a moment, and think about individuals, about people, and then extend a particular example to the general of what many will go through for years, and why a time for fierce patience is over. Let me give a brief view of what living with DOMA has been like for 10 years - not the couple of years (or months) that other same-sex married couples have felt it, and why I'm not I'm not very angry at Republicans (who are certainly no leaders with DOMA), but contemptuous of Democratic claims of solidarity rather than their actions (at least Republicans are predictable!)
I've been married to my same-sex partner Leo for 10 years. Kind of a June/December romance, an introduction by friends at a dinner party in Amsterdam 17 years ago, dating, testing out traveling together (could I tolerate "Die Verlassenene Shuhe" in Köln?), family meetings, nieces and nephews, mothers and brothers. Selling his house in the 'burbs, buying an apartment together downtown Amsterdam, selling it, building an apartment there, my career advancement, his early retirement. Huge wedding in Amsterdam (technically Loenen) overseen by his Nephew (justice of the peace), the all night party with Dutch Film and TV celebrities he's worked with in the former city hall of Amsterdam.
And one year later, career moving me back to the US, in fact to Houston. Long discussions, a couple of visits, and one house later, we moved to Houston, January 2000.
Problem 1: Immigration: though under the Hague Convention, marriages in foreign countries must be recognized in the US by treaty, though at the state level it may not (if the state does not allow that type of marriage.) Unfortunately under DOMA Section 3, there is was no opportunity for my partner to get legal status in the US to reside through our marriage. Prior to coming to the US, he registered at a school that allowed him to get the appropriate Visa to come and stay - for a period of time.
What happens is that a very strange kind of stress begins - there is a clock ticking, because the Student Visa requires him to spend some money, and take quite some time to "go back to school" in a foreign country in a foreign language. The clock ticks because it is not an indefinite stay. To make a long story short here, through tens of thousands of dollars of legal fees and filings, he got an appropriate work visa, and then green card, so he is here permanently on that basis. But not without a considerable amount of stress and anguish. Example issue. Try going through immigration on a normal trip to visit family outside the country, and to be separated from your partner and not know - upon the whim of an official - if they would be sent out of the country with no notification to you and not hear back from them for days.
Problem 2: Taxes: I'm the breadwinner in the house for now, my partner is retired with a small pension. Unfortunately, I can't file joint returns - multiply the value of a dependent spouse over 10 years - and of course I was taxed on my (fortunately available) partner benefits for medical. More on that later. So I had a nice drain on my income that my married neighbors on either side of me didn't have to deal with. Direct impact, 10 years and counting.
Problem 3: Insurance. I partnered around 2005 to develop a business, and our small business wanted to have partner benefits (since my partner had family benefits for his wife and kids). Unfortunately, you cannot buy insurance with partner benefits in Texas. Since my married partner is not 'family' he cannot be included as a family member - again DOMA. I won't tell you what private insurance costs. You know. Direct impact, 10 years and counting.
Now, let's put this in perspective. While we've been in Texas, with Bush as President, we've had sodomy laws overturned in Texas, seen gay Marriage start in Massachusetts, 10 states with Civil Unions, and in general, have been not only left alone by the Republicans, but have enjoyed directly or indirectly expanded freedoms for ourselves. Put that in perspective with a view of Clinton "Gay Friendly" Democrats and DOMA, it's something that affected us substantially in the last 10 years, at a very personal level - Would my partner be allowed to stay? Would we be split up when re-entering the US? How do I deal economically with insurance?
When documents on DOMA come out, Obama throws a sop and doesn't even articulate having a commission, panel, or any approach at all to working with intelligent people to develop a strategy or outreach to GLBT though recently I read that he is putting together at least one or two intensive leader-led discussions. However, all I can think of is: 8 more years of DOMA. How charming.
Not strident, not in-your-face, but just terribly realistic. I didn't expect Bush to do anything for gays, and frankly he exceeded my expectations with WRERA - which can affect me very directly if should die. Obama set expectations, and so far he, as Clinton, has fallen short. I despise the wars Bush started, and the destruction he wreaked on the economy. But as far as his record with gays, sometimes worse (his DOMA brief) and unpredictably better than the alternative (so far).