Just as a warning, I plan on describing a panic attack I had on Monday night. I don't want this to be a trigger to anyone else who has deal with crappy panic attacks, so I wanted to let you know before I started.
Anyway, Monday night I was driving home from a lovely trip to Barnes & Noble and was about halfway home. I was by myself. Going to B&N is one of my guilty pleasures, because I can grab a coffee and browse through books that I'll later buy online used, and way cheaper.
I started getting a pretty strong pain in my right side, near my hip, but this wasn't too startling to me because I've had back problems in the past.
So, I was singing along to some wonderful music when the pain started getting bad, and it caught my breath. This happened a couple of times and then all of a sudden, the worst thought hits me, "I can't breathe."
I tried taking some deep breaths, to calm myself down. I turned the radio to NPR because the music was too much for me at the moment. Within a couple of minutes I was taking really shallow breaths, and my fingers and face started to tingle. I continued driving for a couple of reasons. One, if I stopped, then that meant that I really was having a panic attack, and I felt like that would freak me out even more. Second, I was scared to pull over because I didn't want anyone to see me, or even worse, come to my window and see what the problem was.
So I continued driving. I tried talking myself down.
"Don't worry, it'll pass."
"It's all in your head."
"You're not having a heart attack."
"You can breathe."
"Your brain can only stay in this heightened state for so long, you'll come down from it soon."
That's the worst thing about panic attacks. You're scared to death that you're going to die, or pass out. But the other half of you knows that you'll be fine, and that you just have to let it pass.
I've had too many of these to even count, but even after I knew that this was a big one. It was probably the in the top three that I've had in my life.
I thought about calling my boyfriend, because I knew he would be able to help calm me down. But I was scared to because I was just really focused on getting home. "You can freak out at home, just get there first."
I passed a police station, and seriously thought about pulling in. But what if they called an ambulance? I don't have health insurance, so I can only imagine how much that would cost. I passed by a fire station, and once again, seriously thought about pulling in and asking for help. I even passed a police car and thought about flashing my lights somehow getting him to pull over and help me. I told myself that if I saw another cruiser before I got home, I'd try to get his attention.
My whole point of writing this wasn't to start a pity party, but to ask: If I'm in the middle of having a panic attack, don't you think the last thing I should be thinking about is "How would I be able to pay, if I were to stop and ask for help?"
So, I made it home. I sat in my driveway for I don't know how long because my legs were shaking so bad. I stumbled for my phone and called my boyfriend. He talked to me about silly things that would take my mind off my racing heart. I slowly started to have feeling back in my face and hands and legs, and my breathing went back to normal. I finally dragged myself out of my car and into the house. I felt like I had been in a fight or something, I was so exhausted.
Tonight, I went back to B&N, browsed a bit, and went back home the same way as Monday night. I had coffee, listened to music with the windows rolled down, and felt pretty alive. I did it because I had to conquer it, once again.
And who knows when I'll have another panic attack? I think that's another crappy part of them, because you never know when they're coming. So, I'll take it day by day, and deal with it as they come. I've come a long way from how I was about a year and a half ago so that's comforting.
Sorry this turned into such a long story, but I felt it was somewhat important. I'm also interested to see if there is anyone else who gets to deal with the crappiness that is panic attacks.