One ringy-dingy.
Two ringy-dingys.
Hello. You've reached the White House switchboard. No one is available to take your call since it's the weekend and it's really hot here and the White Sox are playing the Orioles. Please chose from the following menu items.
If you have a used car you'd like to trade in please press 1.
If you know of a really good deal on a used car please press 2.
If you are looking for a good doctor please press 3.
If you are looking for a good doctor who voted for President Obama please press 4.
If you know a good doctor who voted for President Obama please press 5.
If you know a good Republican doctor who voted for President Obama please press 6.
If you know a good black Republican doctor who voted for President Obama please wait to be connected to an operator immediately.
If you know a Republican - black or otherwise - who supports the President's health care plan please wait to be connected to Senator Reid's office immediately.
If you know a really good plastic surgeon please wait to be connected to Speaker Pelosi's office immediately.
If you know Lebron James' cell phone number please wait to be connected to the President's cell immediately.
If you know Kobe Bryant's cell phone number please wait to be connected to the First Ladies' cell immediately.
If you like desert climates, aren't afraid of guns and would like to bring democracy to hoards of illiterate stone age arabs press 7 you crazy bastard.
If you'd like to go out for a beer sometime with the President please press 8.
If you feel like your world is falling apart, everyone hates you and all your hope is gone please hang up and call RNC Chairman Michael Steele.
If you are RNC Chairman Michael Steele please press 9.
If you can see Russia from your kitchen window you must be delusional and need to seek psychiatric help immediately.
To hear these menu items again you must be very lonely and need someone to talk to. Thank you for calling the White House switchboard.