In tenth century Britain, a witch once turned a man into a newt. We know this from a documentary film of the time.
In twenty-first century Poland, CIA interrogators turned a terrorist into a professor. We know this from a front page article in today's Washington Post.
After enduring the CIA's harshest interrogation methods and spending more than a year in the agency's secret prisons, Khalid Sheik Mohammed stood before U.S. intelligence officers in a makeshift lecture hall, leading what they called "terrorist tutorials."
In 2005 and 2006, the bearded, pudgy man who calls himself the mastermind of the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks discussed a wide variety of subjects, including Greek philosophy and al-Qaeda dogma. In one instance, he scolded a listener for poor note-taking and his inability to recall details of an earlier lecture.
In the days of Arthur, they could transmute other materials into gold.
By use of the rack and the waterboard, they could change the innocent into the guilty.
In modern times, we can turn Khalid Sheik Mohammed into a professor. But we cannot use the medieval devices in ways that make him guilty of anything.
The newt incident, in the old documentary, comes in the context of an epistemological debate, how do you know someone is a witch?
If someone just ties a carrot to the nose of John Cleese's girlfriend, might she still be a witch anyways? They came up with a logical process for deciding, involving the witch, wood, water, ducks, and a balancing scale. As the witch herself observed about it, "Tis a fair court."
The professor incident, in the modern newspaper article, comes in the context of another epistemological debate, how do you know someone is a terrorist?
If the President sticks the label "terrorist" on a taxi driver, might he still be a terrorist anyways? We have come up with a number of processes for deciding. One process involves the terrorist, chains, shackles, Ensure, diapers, loud noise, and occasional splashes of cold water.
Another process is simpler, and involves the terrorist and a power drill.
A third process involves ants and the terrorist's children. They got the idea out of a spellbook:
These techniques are, the attention grasp, walling, the facial hold, the facial slap (insult slap), the abdominal slap, cramped confinement, wall standing, stress positions, sleep deprivation beyond 72 hours, the use of diapers for prolonged periods, the use of harmless insects, the water board, and such techniques as may be specifically approved pursuant to paragraph 4 below.
CIA interrogation guidelines, January 2003
In March 2003, after the capture of Khalid Sheik Mohammed, the CIA leaked some information about the treatment of his sons to the foreign press:
Last night CIA interrogators confirmed that the boys were staying at a secret address where they were being encouraged to talk about their father's activities.
"We are handling them with kid gloves. After all, they are only little children," said one official, "but we need to know as much about their father’s recent activities as possible. We have child psychologists on hand at all times, and they are given the best of care."
The Telegraph, March 2003
The modern process of turning "put ants on their legs" into "handle them with kid gloves" involves publishing it in the newspaper, apparently.
The process of turning a terrorist into a professor apparently involves newspapers, as well.
The current location of Khalid Sheik Mohammed's two sons is not known. We can no longer turn people into newts. But we can still make them disappear.