From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Back to School Advice
Hi, kids.
Well, I don’t need to tell you that the school year is starting up real soon (maybe it already has where you live), and you're going to be getting all kinds of advice from grownups about studying hard and paying attention in class and thinkin' about your future and helping others and "Carpe Diem!" and all that.
It's crap. Crap, I tell you.
Yes, you need to listen to your elders. But...you must carefully choose the elders to which you listen. If you choose wisely, you can party your ass off and glide through life on a fluffy cloud of ignorant bliss. If you choose poorly, you'll be doomed to a life of thoughtful analysis and good works and fact-checking and reality-based reason. Yick!
As far as I'm concerned, there's only one man whose words you should heed. A man of power and prestige and wealth. A man who basks in the adoration of his base (the birthers and Big Oil), and gets under the skin of his foes, the poopy-headed brainthinkers.
I'm speaking, of course, of that broad-shouldered, steely-eyed United States Senator, James Inhofe of Oklahoma. When your teacher asks you a question about important material covered in your textbooks---stuff that might enlighten, inform and improve you---you just look him or her in the eye and repeat the magic words of Senator Inhofe (that I believe will one day be enshrined on a monument in Washington):
"I don’t have to read it, or know what’s in it. I'm going to oppose it anyways."
I'm tellin' ya, use that line whenever you can...and the world is your oil rig, baby. You may even graduate early. I can virtually gahrenteeyit!
James Inhofe, kids. That's your Yoda. Let me know how quickly your teacher gives you an A when you use that line in class. I look forward to hearing your stories of scholastic domination!
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Note: In the interest of full disclosure, I am paid to write C&J to promote an agenda. I think this month it's Irkutsk Tourism. So, y'know, go visit Irkutsk. It's great!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Congress is back in session: 7
Days `til the Virginia GoGreen Garden Festival in Richmond: 11
Approximate increase in the number of people (births minus deaths) in more-developed countries each day: 5,704
Approximate increase in the number of people in less-developed countries each day: 221,323
(Source: Population Reference Bureau via USA Today)
Number of bags checked on airlines last year that didn't arrive at the same time as the passengers they belonged to: 31 million (1.4% of all bags)
Number of bags lost and never found by the airlines last year: 1.8 million
(Source: The Wall Street Journal via The Week)
Decrease in the incidence of mortality among Swedish men and women age 40-79 who golf regularly: 40%
(Source: Parade)
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
The More Cheney Speaks, The More Bush War Policies Are Vindicated.
The more Cheney speaks, the more foolish these liberals look. The more foolish they look, the better President Bush looks. Don’t those libs realize that every time they open their mouth on this subject, that President Bush’s history gets re-written to the positive....even in their own minds. Now that must really screw with their heads.
---Commenter "Americanmale" at RedState
All together now: One...two...three... Ha!!!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Splash for Senate? I say, Why not?
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CHEERS to September! Congress straggles back to work after a month off (many with their hineys chewed off). The kids are back in school. 9/11 turns eight (as if it needs to be said, that is not included in the cheer). Shoppers jam stores looking for the perfect Autumnal Equinox, Rosh Hashanah and Mexican Independence Day gifts. ("Another tie? You shouldn’t have!") New England gets insanely beautiful as summer turns to fall. Hurricanes become petty and vindictive. And I feel confident enough to make the following prediction: during the health care debate, a senator will get whacked by another senator wielding an oaken walking stick. It seems overdue.
JEERS to the wild wild west. The words of James Taylor come to mind this morning: Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain. And it ain't the good kind. Water people: keep your heads down. Fire people: keep your heads up. That's about the best I got.
JEERS to the War to End All Wars to End All Wars. Seventy years ago today, on September 1, 1939, Hitler invaded Poland and started World War II. The U.S. wouldn’t officially enter the fray for another two years, but when we did we kicked Fuhrer butt. Today we salute all our veterans who fought the real Axis of Evil...and also two special Luftwaffe vets who unwittingly helped shorten the war by months. Let's not do it again, shall we?
CHEERS to Dr. Bill. Welcome to Part I of C&J's new educational health series, Swine Flu...and You, Too! Today's episode is titled Holy Mother Of God We're So Very Very Screwed!!!
Swine flu spreads four times faster than other viruses and 40 percent of the fatalities are young adults in good health, the world's top health official warned in an interview appearing Saturday.
"This virus travels at an unbelievable, almost unheard of speed," World Health Organisation Director General Margaret Chan told France's Le Monde daily in an interview. "In six weeks it travels the same distance that other viruses take six months to cover," Chan said.
"Sixty percent of the deaths cover those who have underlying health problems," Chan said. "This means that 40 percent of the fatalities concern young adults---in good health---who die of a viral fever in five to seven days.
Join us tomorrow for Part II: Five Surefire Phrases for Successfully Cutting in Line at the Vaccine Clinic.
CHEERS to getting Deep Six'd. The Gang of Six---a coalition of Republican stonewallers and Democratic turncoats dedicated to killing real health care reform---has apparently died from irritable progressive syndrome. What the six will do now is unclear, but a spokesman for the group said he fully expects them to have their heads removed from each other's asses by the time the Senate reconvenes next Tuesday. (Although they may have to undergo recidivism therapy for a period of months.)
JEERS to the "other war." Remember Afghanistan? The country we invaded in 2002 to kick out the Taliban and al Qaeda? The one that seemed worth fighting, but got put waaay on the back burner because of Iraq and it went to hell in a poppyseed-filled handbasket? Yeah, that Afghanistan. Here's the latest on that: Death, destruction, corruption, an insurgent enemy that's mastering the game of Whack-A-Mole, and American generals who want to double down and keep the VA hospitals busy. But at least the daytime highs are now only in the 80s. So don't take those ribbon magnets off your cars just yet, America---we still need you to do your patriotic duty by giving a few seconds of cursory thought to our unwinnable war every few days or so! Together we can DO IT!
CHEERS to historic ringy-dingies. Happy Emma Nutt Day! On this date in 1878, the first female telephone operator in the U.S.---the aforementioned Mrs. Nutt---started working for the Telephone Dispatch Company of Boston. She was brought in because the existing operators---a bunch of male telegraph tappers---turned into potty-mouthed pervs when they started talking to actual people. Which reminds me: today is also the anniversary of the first 1-900 line in the U.S.
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Five years ago in C&J: September 1, 2004:
JEERS to hating our troops. How low will Republicans go at the GOP convention in New York? Low enough to mock every veteran who ever earned a Purple Heart. Naturally the media treated the story with a glib, "Oh, those Republican pranksters..." Pathetic.
CHEERS to bumping Bush. The Russian hostage situation, Hurricane Frances, Iraq, and the Kobe Bryant case all swept GOP convention coverage from the top of the network news Wednesday evening. In fact, it barely squeaked in above the Irritable Bowel Syndrome commercial. Or was that a clip from the new Bush campaign video?
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And just one more...
CHEERS to unwittingly setting a bigot trap. I don’t know much about Chicago Tribune columnist Steve Chapman except that he's a conservative who occasionally makes a few salient points but mostly makes me roll my eyes. But I have to give him kudos for a column he wrote last week in which he challenged various conservative groups to "make simple, concrete predictions about measurable social indicators---marriage rates, divorce, out-of-wedlock births, child poverty, you name it" that would occur as a consequence of granting same-sex couples full marriage rights. None of them could give an answer beyond the usual fire and brimstone BS. The pro-equality groups, on the other hand, "forthrightly asserted that granting gays access to matrimony will have no discernible impact." Chapman's conclusion is perhaps the most succinct I've ever read on this issue:
In a few years, we won't have to rely on such forecasts, because the facts will be there for all to see. And they should settle the issue once and for all.
But I have a strong suspicion that both sides of the debate are right. The supporters of same-sex marriage are right in predicting that it will have no bad side effects. And the opponents are right not to make predictions.
Hooray! I finally have a conservative on my Christmas card list.
May you be successful in navigating your Day of Tues. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Pow! Disney to buy Cheers and Jeers for $4 billion
---AP
8/31/09
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