GUS (Gave Up Smoking) is a community support diary for Kossacks in the midst of quitting smoking. Any supportive comments, suggestions or positive distractions are appreciated. If you are quitting or thinking of quitting, please -- join us! You can also click the GUS tag to view all diary posts, or access the GUS Library at dKosopedia for a great list of stop-smoking links. Check it out!
Hey, GUSsacks! How's your day going? I'm here to share an outsider's perspective with you. A few weeks ago, I came by a GUS diary looking for some input about how to address my brother's smoking...a couple of GUSsacks thought that this would make a good diary...so here goes.
Just over a year ago, Hurricane Ike struck Texas and wreaked havoc of Galveston. Oddly enough, it also wreaked havoc on my home in Kentucky and my brother's, in Ohio. Wind storms hit our area and shut down a bunch of businesses....one of those was the one where my brother worked. It was a start-up and its line of credit was yanked before it was able to reopen. For a little while he was able to stay afloat working temp jobs...but by the end of the year, it was clear that he would be evicted and lose his possessions (most of which were in a storage area). Love and I did what we could to help...we trimmed the wedding budget to send him money and offered to let him store things at our house...but he didn't want to admit that he needed the help.
In January, he came down to take a look at a problem that we were having with the house...and never left. We rented a truck and paid his storage bill and moved everything down to our house. He took up residence in the basement so that he had more privacy. It didn't take long for us to realize that he had a rather expensive smoking habit...roughly $120/month. At first, we bought them to give him a chance to get his feet under him. Then, we started finding him little day jobs so that he could buy them for himself...only he wouldn't do the jobs and just expected us to keep buying his cigarettes. I have never been a smoker and didn't really like the idea of buying them, but Love had been and didn't want to force him into detoxing.
So, this went on for a few more months until he developed severe chest pains. He told us that this had been going on, off and on, for three years. He was told by his previous doctors that he had severe inflammation of the chest wall and exterior of the lungs. He asked that I talk with a doctor friend of mine about what might be causing this. She freaked when I told her about the situation...after some research and talking with him about symptoms, she determined that the inflammation was permanently destroying lung tissue. She said that he needed to stop smoking or, at a minimum, drastically reduce his smoking. He refused saying that he would rather die happy.
Now, this would generally be something that I wouldn't argue too much about....it's not my life. But in this case, he had no way to purchase the cigarettes...he was entirely dependent on us to buy them for him. So, we were left with the choice of bearing the responsibility for his continued deterioration, or drawing the line and risking him taking off with no means to support himself. I love my brother and do not want to have to carry any guilt for his death. Those of you who know me may already know that my father blames me for my mother's cancer and death...and I just couldn't really take on any more guilt for the illness or death of those that I love. And so I came to a GUS diary...totally confused and looking for suggestions. I was given some great advice...such as:
FWIW (9+ / 0-)
Recommended by:
labwitchy, flumptytail, ChocolateChris, FrugalGranny, Vacationland, KentuckyKat, bgblcklab1, theatre goon, 3rdGenFeminist
I'd buy him a carton of smokes and a box of nicotine patches (or gum) and tell him that carton is the last tobacco you'll buy for him but that you would be willing to buy more nicotine patches/gum if he makes a good faith effort to quit.
I'd call it tough love with an option.
Single Payer Now!
by post rational on Wed Aug 26, 2009 at 10:30:00 AM EDT
i was going to suggest (8+ / 0-)
Recommended by:
flumptytail, ChocolateChris, post rational, FrugalGranny, Vacationland, KentuckyKat, theatre goon, 3rdGenFeminist
just buying the patches or gum and not buying anymore tobacco. post rationa's idea is better. it puts the onus of choice on the smoker.
John Cornyn has cooties!
by labwitchy on Wed Aug 26, 2009 at 10:35:22 AM EDT
The element of choice is a huge deal. (9+ / 0-)
Recommended by:
labwitchy, flumptytail, ChocolateChris, post rational, FrugalGranny, KentuckyKat, bgblcklab1, theatre goon, 3rdGenFeminist
If you feel like someone's forcing a specific action on you, the knee-jerk reaction is to resist. If the onus of choice is on him, he can feel in control of the issue.
I agree with not buying any more tobacco beyond that. If he cannot afford it and it's quite literally killing him, it's not up to you to enable that. Flip it around and ask him if it's fair to expect you to help him hurt himself. Offer to be supportive, sure - he will need that - but don't feel obligated to enable his addiction indefinitely.
by Vacationland on Wed Aug 26, 2009 at 10:44:33 AM EDT
And you shouldn't have to take it. (6+ / 0-)
Recommended by:
labwitchy, flumptytail, ChocolateChris, post rational, KentuckyKat, 3rdGenFeminist
It's such a tough spot to be in, and you do have my sympathies.
When I was a smoker, I was always feeling judged, and would react strongly to any overt efforts to control my smoking. The more judgment, the more I wanted to smoke. The choice to quit ultimately had to be mine, but y'know, all I was looking for was a good reason to make that choice.
When my ex-boss offered to quit at the same time, I grabbed that chance; when he immediately bailed, it didn't matter - I'd already made the choice for myself.
If you frame it as "I am happy help you live and get by, but don't ask me to help you die quicker - it's up to you to decide how this will go," it may help. Fingers crossed for you, KentuckyKat.
by Vacationland on Wed Aug 26, 2009 at 12:26:42 PM EDT
In the end, we really didn't get to discuss the issue...other issues came up, he got angry with me and he took off. I don't know where he is, but I don't think he had anyone else left to help him...our father and siblings have all decided that he needs to hit rock bottom before he will figure things out...I don't know whether that is true or not, but I hope that wherever he is, he will someday understand that we do love him even though things didn't work out.
There isn't any real moral to this story...just to give you the perspective of someone tangentially related to the addiction. I wish you all the best in your efforts to quit...and if this has given you any insight into someone who may be hounding you to quit, I hope it makes you think of that person more kindly.
Current members of the GUS team! Please post a comment in the butt can if you would like to join, or if your name is here in error:
1BQ, 3rdGenFeminist, Abra Crabcakeya, addisnana, AfroPonix, amk for obama, Anne933, aoeu, arcadesproject, Archie2227, ArthurWolf (in memoriam), awkawk, bamablue, barnowl, bgblcklab1, Bike Crash, BirderWitch, blue husky, Blue Intrigue, bluestatedem84, BoiseBlue, breedlovinit, BrowniesAreGood, bsmechanic, burrow owl, Chocolate Chris, ChurchofBruce, coppercelt, dadanation, dangoch, Dexter, Dingodude, donnamarie, DRo, droogie6655321, duckhunter, EdgedInBlue, Everest42, Fineena, Flea, flumptytail, FrugalGranny, Garrett, gooners, greylox, gchaucer2, Geiiga, grndrush, Im a frayed knot, Indexer, indyada, Interceptor7, inventor, itsbenj, Jahiz, Jeffersonian Democrat, Jyrix, jvolvo's Mom, jwinIL14, kai99, kailuacaton, kestrel9000, khloemi, Khun David, labwitchy, Lady Kestrel, ladypockt, langerdang, LarsThorwald, Last Starfighter, Laurie Gator, Lipstick Liberal, litoralis, lmdonovan, luvsathoroughbred, maggiemay, magicsister, marknspokane, mdemploi, Mikeguyver, Minerva1157, MinervainNH, mskitty, nannyboz, ncsuLAN, Nick Zouroudis, one pissed off democrat, Ordvefa, PaintyKat, Pennsylvanian, phrogge prince, Positronicus, post rational, psycho liberal, red mittens, revelwoodie, rkex, rosebuddear, SallyCat, seenaymah, Scrapyard Ape, sheddhead, smartcookienyc, spmozart, Tay, theatre goon, triciawyse, trueblueliberal, Turn VABlue, Turtle Bay, uc booker, Unduna, Vacationland, webranding, weelzup, willy mugobeer, Wood Dragon, x
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C'mon, folks, step right up...no offense to St. Joan, but who wants to read a pious diary written in 15th century French first thing in the morning? And I'm a little bit scared of what Tolstoy's going to have us reading...kind of looking forward to Ceiling Cat's diary, though!
Friday AM: Leo Tolstoy
Friday PM: Ceiling Cat
Sat AM: Don Knotts
Sat PM: John Steinbeck
Sun AM: Glenn Beck's Not-so-Evil Twin
Sun PM: Dr. Seuss
(Stolen from this morning's diary)