Regardless of what the President actually says in his speech to the joint session of Congress and the public, this is essentially what you will be hearing from the attack talking heads and hear as the talking points of the political wackos and insurance industry shills, that he actually said despite the words that come out of his mouth.
Their canned attack talking points are being put out as we enjoy the Labor Day weekend so you might as well see the draft of what the Wackos and Insurance industry are using as if it were the real speech and they had obtained the speech early.
Welcome my fellow Kenyans and you US citizens
First, will the Sergeant of Arms please lock the doors and comply with my Executive Order I just signed arresting all the Republicans in the Chamber for transport to Gitmo as part of "Operation Roundup 2009" I am announcing tonight.
Many of you have wondered aloud, along with many Talking Heads of TV and Radio, about why I have not put forth a Health Care Plan with details and why I have simply let others make proposals, hold Town Hall meetings and debate and rant on the subject.
Tonight I am going to explain that this is part of Operation Roundup 2009, which is a nationwide "Sting" operation, code named, "Operation Newman-Redford".
The purpose of Operation Newman-Redford was to use the idea of a Health Care Debate to identify early in this administration those who might oppose my lifetime rule and to announce my change, by fiat, of the US Constitution to declare the 22d Amendment (limiting the President to two terms) void so we can follow the traditional Kenyan system of succession by inheritance. I also hereby declare my daughters the Crown Princesses to succeed me.
As a young leader and early in my reign (no longer will I use the word "term") I wanted to identify and eliminate problems from those who might oppose me and my family and our rule of the United States and the future North American States as we will be known when Mexico and Canada are added.
I had hoped to be able to delay Operation Roundup (Newman-Redford) until a later date in this quadrennial of my reign (formerly first term), but because it has become apparent that the Beck-Limbaugh-O Reilly-Savage and other anti Kenya forces have suspected my plan and appear to have penetrated the inner most circles of my regime and obtained copies of some of my plans, I had to move up my time table to tonight. This is the reason for this Joint Session and nationally televised speech.
I have ordered that Gitmo’s current inmates be immediately shipped to Alaska for release in Wasilla where they will be allowed to be absorbed in the local community which is used to dealing with strangers after a year of national press being in town.
Gitmo will be used to house the leaders of the 2012 Republican campaign, including the former Alaska Governor and the talking head-hate tv/radio leadership of the Republican Party, including but not limited to Beck, Limbaugh, Coulter, Malkin, Hannity, OReilly, etc., selected according to radio and tv ratings and number of interviews on Fox. This roundup is taking place as we speak. I am also selecting the House Minority Leader for internment there with them as it will help him maintain his tan without the need for chemical sprays, tanning booths or lobbyist paid golf matches.
I am pleased to announce that former Homeland Security Director and Cabinet member Tom Ridge has agreed to rejoin the government to run Operation Roundup as Czar as he has recently made clear he recognizes political pressure and accepts it in the operation of such programs and yet can say it is not actually what is meant in anything he wrote or is making money from selling.
Some have wondered why I did not speak out earlier and more clearly on my Health Plan details. You will now understand. By letting Cable TV and Hate Radio have a few months to generate a high level of noise so that every one of its followers, no matter what cave they live in or under what rock they hide, will identify themselves so they can be rounded up.
Czar Ridge will explain that some time was needed to fully track all those with Cable TV systems that reveal the listening to more than a minimal number of hours to Fox and specifically to the above mentioned wackos posing as news people. Monitoring hate radio stations and those whose radios are pre set to those stations has taken some time for NSA to complete.
NSA has now perfected the "Cheney System" that allows full tracking of addresses of homes, bars, coffee shops, places of employment, gyms, etc., where Fox and hate radio are played and in particular where the above named and referenced wackos are played for any significant amount of time each day.
I am pleased to announce that Xe, formerly Blackwater, and Wackenhut, have agreed to perform the roundup services, at no additional cost to the taxpayers, as part of their restitution and probation to avoid other prosecution for prior conduct.
We will be locating the detention centers in the home state of Senator Mitch McConnell to help the citizens of his state make up for the job losses due to the negative employment in his state from the years of impact of Senator McConnell’s conduct and that of his friend, President Bush. It will also allow Senator McConnell’s family the opportunity to visit him in detention there which is a kindness I am extending in appreciation of his long leadership of the Republicans that played no small part in my being elected President.
I should note that there is a significant financial benefit to Operation Roundup 2009 that will be appreciated by the Wall Street Journal editorial page, Cato Institute and Grover Norquist (who will be in Gitmo in the morning) as the detention (without conjugal privileges) of the watchers and listeners to the wackos will mean a decline in the birthrate of children who with their parents, might otherwise be a cost burden on the health care and social security systems. I will also agree to extend the Bush tax breaks for the rich as there will be so few not in detention that the loss of income will be negligible anyway so I might as well not eliminate the tax breaks for the rich.
In conclusion, I know that you all came here tonight and are watching on TV wanting to know my thoughts on Health Care so I am announcing that earlier tonight I signed an executive order extending Medicare to all residents of the United States. This will be phased in starting with my fellow Kenyans followed by all residents with questionable birth records or none at all and who find it expedient to claim to be US citizens.
The program will then be extended to all whose names appear on donor lists of the Obama Campaign as of January 20, 2009, followed by those who are on the Clinton for President donor lists and who did not also cover their bets with donations to my campaign by January 20, 2009. Then all who can show they made contributions to other Democratic candidates will be added in order of the amount of contributions, highest to lowest until all Democrats or those Independents who supported Democrats are added. Then, as money is available, first all those who did not participate in the 2008 election will be added and finally, if any health money is left, those who contributed to the McCain-Palin ticket or other Republican candidates will be given health cards, but theirs will be in Red (even if they also gave some money to Democrats) signifying that they go to the end of the line in all Emergency Rooms, Clinics and other health programs and wait until all the rest of the people, who will have Blue cards, receive health care services. Red Card holders will have a 50 % copay as to any public medical care but will be allowed to buy private commercial health insurance as they may wish.
Now, I ask you all to rise for prayers of celebration for those who are not to be sent to detention and our sympathetic prayers for those misguided among us who will be removed from the general population and live the rest of their lives listening 24/7 to Fox News, Beck, Limbaugh, Coulter, etc. (They will only be able to hear constant reruns in "shuffle" order of such rot as entertainment.)
Please welcome or new Religion Czar for prayers, the Rev, Jeremiah Wright.