I should tell you right off the bat my daughter is alive and well. I miss her because she is a teenager. It is connected to missing my mom who passed away in 1997.
This is not a good night for me to be writing this diary. To be honest I am in a really low mood but I hope that people are able to gather here and discuss and find some comfort from each other.
One reason it is a good night for me to be assigned to this is because it is "school eve". Some of you may have those feelings of, where has the time gone, children away at school, last day of grade school, last child to enter school.
A special welcome to anyone who is new to The Grieving Room. We meet every Monday evening. Whether your loss is recent or many years ago, whether you have lost a person or a pet, or even if the person you are "mourning" is still alive ("pre-grief" can be a very lonely and confusing time) you can come to this diary and process your grieving in whatever way works for you. Share whatever you need to share. We can't solve each other's problems, but we can be a sounding board and a place of connection.
So, as I said I am not in a good frame of mind to be writing this. Hopefully some good will come out of it.
I was a 33 yr old new teacher in 1997. My son was in 2nd grade, my daughter started kindergarten. I got a very nice hug from my new boss/principal when I told him I had just dropped my daughter off for her first day. I loved my new job. I loved it so much I was worried it couldn't last. I thought something would go wrong at the school I was teaching at; I didn't expect it to be my mom's cancer.
When she told me she had liver cancer, I knew she didn't have long due to intuition. My brothers didn't share my concern. 30 days later my mom was in liver failure and we were by her bedside. It was a waiting game I'm sure many of you have been through.
I keep meaning to write to my principal to thank him. I lived and worked in Minnesota. Mom was in Chicago. This principal really made me understand that I was where I should be and not in the classroom. I missed a week of school while mom was dying. Thank God and this principal that I didn't feel compelled to try to go back and forth.
I am also grateful to a sister in law who introduced an idea to us that I don't know if I would have thought of myself. The idea that I should let my mom know it was ok to go. I would never dream of telling readers here that they should do that because it is soooo personal BUT. I am glad I told her it was ok to go. I think my mom was doing a little bit of holding on and I think it adds a level of peace and comfort.
Anyone I know who has to go through an illness of a loved one now I suggest considering it and I encourage them to not feel the pull of going to work, i.e. the only place you have to be if you want to is by your loved one's side.
The minute I knew my mom was ill I knew I would lose my family. I have a brother 15 minutes away with kids my kid's age but they are overscheduled. And I knew he would just blend right in to his wife's huge, local family. Which is good for him, obviously. My other brother has never been much for family. No real backstory there, he just has his busy life on a coast. I had a stepfather who actually surprised me in the coming years with how cruel and thoughtless he could be and 2 stepbrothers who had no right to all the money and cherished posessions they ended up with.
My grandmother died a few months after my mom. Again, I apologize for how this may sound tonight but honestly, that was a blessing. She was 98 1/2. We had moved her to a nursing home up here. I never understood why some relatives were praising that because Grandma had no short term memory. I thought she would be ok with my brother and I visiting her. Don't get me wrong...we visited her often but I was surprised to see the recognition on her face about her surroundings. She didn't belong there.
My father died 9 months after my mom. We had an on again/off again relationship through the years. We were defintely on. He had a nice correspondence going on with his grandson. Too bad my dad smoked 4 packs/day back in the day. The show Mad Men makes me think about my mom and dad! He was a phone exec but still....
So, there was fighting over assets, or lack of fighting...its the same story many families have.
Right before my stepfather died (can you see a trend here?) he came to see me because he wanted to make up. (I guess to be fair to me I didn't really know how sick he was. Not sure it would have changed much, I was civil.) It was the absolute WORST TIMING for a visit from him. Paul Wellstone and his wife, daughter etc had just died that day. I didn't know Paul Wellstone but my stepfather was a Rush Limbaugh lover and he did not disappoint in his cruel , tasteless remarks. I will never forget we drove by a candlelight vigil at the Capitol on the way to dinner and my stepdad said some obnoxious stuff. burned into my memory.
Anyway....I am going to be blunt. I have been depressed since 1997.I love my husband and 2 kids but I have always lacked friends and family and frankly MY MOM. I blew the years when you can make friends with other moms because I never had much happy to say. I have had years go by where I just accept the state I'm in. I have had times where I have reached out to old friends of my moms and a couple cousins of hers and those ladies have always been very nice. But they are not my mom.
I was distracted for many years by a good relationship with my daughter. We hung around together alot. I knew it couldn't and shouldn't last. She did have friends but she really spent a lot of time with me.
I have always been glad that she has seperated from me over the last couple years. She is busy and involved at school. My son graduated and went off to college last fall. That wasn't too hard because it is a natural step.
What I didn't expect last year was to really lose my daughter. She got her license, she is a good kid, a busy kid so she is never home. I should be thankful that she is never rude exactly but she is not the fun kid she used to be. She is tired, stressed, no fun. But I'm supposed to let her go.... Now that it is a year later I think when she actually leaves for college it will be easier because she has been gone since she got her license!
So, again, I apologize for writing this when I am in a dark place tonight. I was reading a book on depression today, my husband was off playing golf (good for him, in all sincerity) and once again, my daughter was gone...
I need to fight off depression this year with everything I've got. This night before school starts is a milestone.