I can't shake the feeling: It's 2010, and nothing works the way it's supposed to.
Things break all the time, and when they do, you're on the phone with someone who apparently just got out of the weekly "How Can We Help People Less?" brainstorming meeting.
This feeling I have is summed up in a catchphrase I learned from a family member who was having a bunch of people over to his house to watch a pay-per-view event that wasn't working.
When he called his satellite TV provider, they did the usual back and forth. He tried to be polite for a while, but this wasn't the first time he's had to sort things out with them.
So he got fed up, clenched his teeth, over-enunciated his every gritting syllable and uttered something that I feel is immortal: "Look, the only thing that you have consistently done is CASH my CHECK."
Who can't relate to this? I know, this is probably about as innovative an idea as complaining about taxes and doctor's bills and airline foods, but I can't help believing that something is just getting much, much worse. Perhaps this is because I'm young, and haven't been taking on my own business affairs for that much time.
Everyone has their horror stories. Just a few off the top of my head:
- Trying to talk my health insurance company into letting my wife get medical information about me. She's my wife. Ask me anything about her, I'll tell you. Ask her, and vice versa. Why do I have to dink around with a fax machine or snail mail to prove who I'm married to?
- Dealing with a car insurance rep who was boorish, unprofessional and lazy. I had to stay on him morning and noon and (nearly) night to get this lout to talk to my dealership. He talked like a rube, swore at the dealership's people, couldn't send a check for shit, and was dismissive and disrespectful to my wife.
- Having a perfectly good, just-under-a-year-old TV set go completely out to lunch less than a month after its warranty expired. But I did get some exercise hauling it away.
- Having to learn about "secret" services offered by companies. This is the miracle of "upselling," a Madison Avenue term that means pushing the more expensive plans by leaving the less profitable ones off the menu. Talk to your cable provider and ask for their cheapest plan. Then check their pamphlets. They'll probably give you cheaper service than they say they have -- but you have to ask for it specifically.
Threats, veiled or otherwise, are the new language of customer service. It seems like the only way to get anything done. I don't relish having to threaten anyone, but how else can you get through to someone who's running you around on something?
After all, most of these people have policies and laws on their side. All we have is our wallets -- and even then, they've got a pretty tight grip on our wallets themselves via lovely practices like cancellation fees, service fees, usage fees, I-Bet-You-Won't-Notice-This fees, Just Because fees, Whether-You-Use-It-Or-Not fees, etc.
Some of this I would expect to have gotten much easier by now. Take the first story I mentioned up above. Why should anyone have to muck around with snail mail and fax machines anymore when we've got Web 2.0? Why do some places not allow you to pay with a debit card, but they'll accept a check? It all comes from the same place, so what's the difference?
And when technology is brought in, it doesn't solve any problems. It just shifts around the old problems, like a kid trying to disguise the fact that he hasn't eaten any damn vegetables. The primary example I can think of here is the self-checkout line at the grocery store. It seldom gets me out of the store any quicker because most people don't know how to use the little robot buggers. I can. What's my secret? I used to be a grocery clerk, and when I quit that job I assumed I'd never have to do it again -- how wrong I was!
I guess we don't have much choice but to take the route my relative went with. Get all shouty and screamy and red-faced like Paul Giamatti.
I share my relative's frustration. Because I'm not a mean guy by nature. I used to be polite with people, but that was before I discovered that the only way to get any kind of satisfaction on your problem is to be an even more colossal prick than the jerk who was apparently tasked with the assignment of helping you as little as possible.
What other weapons do we have to keep us ?
Well first off my best advice to anyone on the phone is to mash the "0" button until a person appears. But let's get a little more creative than that.
I used to have this high school teacher who we all thought was a little off his eggs, but he talked to us once about haggling. He said it was all right to haggle over the price of just about any good or service. Not just cars, but stuff like the price of menu items at restaurants or a pair of shoes at Foot Locker. Like I said, we thought he was nuts, but maybe he was just ahead of his time?
I remember my first experience at haggling. I just felt silly standing there in a crowded, over-hot marketplace in Montego Bay, Jamaica, trying to talk a local into shaving off a few dollars from the price of some coffee and cigars. This was supposed to be entertaining in some way? There's only so many moves you can make when you're haggling -- up or down.
Maybe I lack creativity in this respect, or maybe we all need to get a little more creative. Hell, my own wife once haggled someone on the price of a propane grill, and that was at a Home Depot. A big-box retailer with thousands of stores. So why not?
What else can we do? Well, I for one have learned a few things just by talking to people online. I'm sure we might be able to swap some good tips in the comments section. So don't be shy with that.
I can't think of a lot that could fix this, but together maybe we can. Either way, something's gotta give.
I mean, what company still in business thinks it's a good idea to require you to call them up and shout them stupid and bargain back and forth with them just so they'll make good on what they promised you in the first place?
Other than the Democratic Party, I can't think of one.*
(*Hat tip to webranding and Gooserock for that last joke there. Heh.)