I have been racking my brain for the last few weeks trying to figure out where to take this blog. I am not much of a writer, and I have a tendency to procrastinate pretty much everything in my life so I figured that I would eventually get to this, but alas, I have done nothing to update or to move it forward. My primary blog is on word press, and it has no comments, so I obviously I made a brilliant impact on the blogosphere with my first two posts.
I thought about doing politics, I thought about bitching about Fox News and all of it’s pundits, but that is only going to rehash what everyone else is doing, and I thought it would get lost in the shuffle. I thought about making it a diary of my exploits in finding a job in this bad economy, but that would be too depressing, and once I found a job, what would I do then?
All the experts out there and pro-bloggers suggest I create what is called an “elevator statement” and use that to form and mold my blog into something special. I may well do that, but I find myself having writers block and may not be able to continuously post about the same subject all the time. I finally realized this morning that it doesn’t really need to have a “purpose”, all it needs is attention and that since it is my blog, I can make it whatever I want it to be. so I have decided that it will be about just about anything I feel like talking about. So each day (hopefully) I will post about whatever is on my mind that particular day and go from there. I’ll let the readers move it where they want it to go and see if I can make it work.
Today, my thoughts go to life in general.
I have been struggling with life the last 6 months or so, been depressed, been unhappy with where my life is going and how out of control it has gotten. I have issues with the ex, I have issues with my teenage son, I have problems in my current marriage, and of course as my previous two posts have mentioned, I have issues with finding work. I seem to have no control over where my life is going at the moment and feel it careening off of a cliff at some point. I have to gain some sort of control soon, or everything that means most to me may be gone. My wife, god love her, is losing patience with me, and suggested I seek counseling, which I did and started seeing one today.
I will not be putting my whole life out here for all to see, as I am a private person, and refuse to reveal everything to the world. Lets just say that I am struggling with getting control of my hectic, stressful life and leave it at that. I have always considered my self level-headed, but I seem to be losing that trait lately. I sit and wait for the next bombshell to drop, telling myself to ignore it and just take life one day, one moment at a time. That would be ok if it were not for the fact I have so much on my shoulders that I may get crushed under the pressure of it all. finding work has not been easy, and although I have blasted my resume and cover letter to dozens of employers, I have only gotten a few nibbles. I have been turned down, I have been offered jobs that are not what they seem on the surface, and give almost no chance of becoming successful or providing a future for me or my family, and I have gotten no response from most that I apply to. I will continue to try and find something that will be beneficial to not only myself, but to my family and to my future.
I have a 16-year old son, who is in that stage where everything is my fault. His mother and I are involved in civil litigation involving child support and he feels that dad is the cause of everything that ills his life. He refused to come to my wedding last year, and I have not spoken to him since just after I got married. He has told me that I don’t care, don’t want to support him, and that he is deprived because I have not provided enough for him and his mother. Well, his mother is feeding this too him, obviously, and I refuse to satisfy his accusations by making it about money, and by not sharing anything about the litigation with him, as it will only make him feel more in the middle of things than he already is. At 16 he does not need the additional stress of knowing that his mom and dad are at suing each other and can’t stand one another. We divorced when he was 2, so he doesn’t have any recall as to how we were when we were married, nor the reason as to why we divorced. He needs a fall guy and for now, I am willing to be that fall guy as to not complicate things or make them worse. My door is always open to him and once he gets older he will understand that and I will be able to have the chance to have a relationship with him.
As for my current wife, she is as understanding as she possibly can, but it is stressful on here as well. She is having to shoulder the financial burden with me out of work, and she is having to deal with my emotions regarding the litigation and dealing with the silence from my son. I love her more than I have loved any other woman in my life and I only hope she can stick with me until all of this is over. We are coming to the end of litigation and the final result will be more child support, and that’s ok, cause it is not about the money, it is about my son’s emotional stability, which is a direct result of his environment, and not so much “dad’s fault”. I shoulder some of the blame, but his mother has to also shoulder some of that, and to this point she has not done that. When all is said and done, she will know where I stand, and she will know that I refuse to allow her or anyone else to point their fingers solely at me.
So as I move forward with this little corner of the web, let me assure you that I will try to be positive, hope this can be therapeutic, and hope that it will make a difference somewhere other than my own little world.
until tomorrow…….